Conflict - It's Not Make Believe

We know that conflict is a necessary ingredient in a good story, but how about at work? Well, it can be positive if it’s managed and optimized. Conflict can lead to innovation and creativity resulting in business growth and success. Mean-spirited conflict, on the other hand, is great in a mystery, but at work it can derail relationships quickly. 

Barbara and I have written two books about conflict – The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. Writing non-fiction is admittedly different from writing fiction. Non-fiction writers don’t have to make stuff up. There is plenty of real-life conflict and drama and ready-made villains to write about. 

So who are the villains in our books? In The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook we pose a number of situations drawn from workplace situations. There’s Renata with an abrasive personality. In meetings she’s especially aggressive, cutting people off when they are talking and making snide remarks about ideas they are proposing. What do you say to someone who is so rude and disrespectful? Sometimes the right words escape you, especially in a tense situation.

In The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book we took on the challenge of addressing these situations by providing prompts to help readers formulate their own thoughts so the words don’t come out wrong. Renata could say, “Every time you interrupt, you’re undermining the meeting.” 

Then there’s Lorraine, the manager who’s obviously intimidated by Lars, a new employee accomplished in his profession. She responds to his input in meetings with snarky comments and sarcasm, even belittling his work credentials. Lars could respectfully confront her by saying, “Please don’t call me out publically like you just did in the meeting.” 

What else can you say when a situation gets toxic? 

• If you want to make jokes or criticize, please get your facts straight.
• Statements like that just provoke bad feelings. They’re not respectful.
• This is a professional workplace. There’s no room in it for coarse language.

What if someone tries to pull you into a situation and get you to take their side? How could you respond?

• You’re complaining to me about my coworker, but the situation is between you and her.
• Stop talking about him and talk to him.
• You can’t keep running in here every time he says or does something you don’t like.

Finally, there are things you should absolutely avoid saying, such as:

• You just don’t think!
• This is all your fault.
• Such a nasty person.

Whatever the situation, responding to differences, building team spirit, setting expectations, or giving feedback, The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book will help the words come out right!

Give the gift of Positive Conflict this holiday season -- The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book!

Cornelia Gamlem

It's Always a Good Time for Gratitude

I've been part of a group that meets monthly to discuss the topic of leadership. There are usually about 30 people in attendance -- sometimes more and sometimes fewer, but everyone there really wants to be there since the meeting starts at 7 am!

We meet at a law firm, and the partner in this very prestigious firm always warmly welcomes us. This month she said more than usual -- she said how grateful she was for the people who come month after month and actively participate in the learning that takes place. She said she's become aware of how important it is to acknowledge what we have to be grateful for in our lives, especially at this time of year. I am grateful for this reminder that being thankful is really important -- and not just at Thanksgiving time!

In the U.S., we celebrate Thanksgiving at the end of November. Because of the timing of our Thanksgiving so close to the December holidays, too many people don't even stop to think about what they're thankful for -- especially when the holiday decorations go up in October. 

I like the timing of the Canadian Thanksgiving -- it is celebrated on the second Monday in October, so it gets its very own focus -- not the U.S. version on the fourth Thursday in November, a day when we eat too much, watch NFL games on TV, and plan our shopping expedition for the next day. Somehow, for many people, the idea of giving thanks for our blessings as a nation and as individuals gets lost.

Several years ago, I started keeping a gratitude journal, and it worked so well for me that I gave them out to family and friends. The idea is that every day you write down three (or as many as you want); things you're grateful for that happened that day. Little things that might go unto unnoticed if I wasn't keeping the journal, but when I write them down at the end of the day, I find myself filled with gratitude for how blessed my life really is. Keeping this journal is a simple way to be grateful each and every day.

A New York Times article by Arthur C. Brooks, published on November 21, 2015, titled "Choose to Be Grateful. It Will Make you Happier." tells the story of Mr. Brooks and wife in Barcelona, Spain, sharing the idea of our American Thanksgiving traditions with his new in-laws. He said he had to answer a lot of questions, including why do we stuff the turkey with bread, but the one that stopped him cold was whether one should celebrate the holiday even if you don't feel grateful. Now, years and a lot of research later, he has determined that "acting grateful can actually make you grateful."

The article includes studies that show that "choosing to focus on good things makes you feel better than focusing on bad things", which he said is pretty obvious but nonetheless true.

This Thanksgiving, choose to be happy, give thanks, and express gratitude for the many blessings you have -- be they large or small!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Productive Conflict Is Not An Oxymoron

Adapted from an article from Forbes.com published September 23, 2017

Question: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Answer: Problem solving takes time and effort but in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing. 

Question: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Answer: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Question: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Answer: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that: 

• Can you describe the situation and give me a specific example of what happened?
• Can you explain the issue to me as you see it?
• I feel as if I’m coming into this situation in the middle. Can we start at the beginning?

Question: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habits with genuinely listening to understand?

Answer: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It takes some work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. The active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion -- a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. An active listener has to sincerely want to hear what is being said.  Here are some phrases an active listen can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• This is what I heard you say. Is that correct?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Question:  It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front? 

Answer: At the core of many workplace conflicts is the lack of expectations. There is a golden opportunity to set the tone early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship – the position, the job duties and what success in the position looks like. Let employees know, “These are our values, these are the behaviors that reflect our values, and we have zero tolerance for behavior that is contrary to our values.” The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• This is how your job fits into the role of the department and the mission of the organization.
• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If you don’t understand why I’m asking for something, please speak up and ask me.