Happy Holidays!

No, I’m not declaring a “War on Christmas!” Don't get me wrong.  I love this season with all the lights, decorations, and songs.  I have so many fond family memories of decorating the Christmas tree with my siblings and father -- laughing and squabbling.  And baking cookies with my mother -- "don't forget to burn one tray because your father likes the burnt ones."

Anymore, the Christmas or Holiday season can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Halloween candy is still on the shelves when the Christmas decorations go up. The race begins on Black Friday (or earlier) to get the best gifts, the most gifts at the lowest price.  There are lights to be strung, songs to be sung, and decorations to be hung. These days I see a holiday that has become over-commercialized.   

The world I grew up in is so different from the world I now live in. People come from many diverse religious and cultural backgrounds.  Not everyone celebrates the holiday, and if they do they bring different rituals and customs to it.  So I don’t make assumptions and I don’t automatically wish everyone I encounter, “Merry Christmas!” But I may inquire how they will spend the holiday season. One of our biggest strengths comes from our ability to learn from people who are different than we are.

For me as a child – gifts and Santa aside – one of the best things about Christmas was going into Manhattan with my father for a day, seeing the tree in Rockefeller Center and walking with him down Fifth Avenue and looking in the store windows decorated with Christmas themes. This was a special place and it was magical. Oh, and for Barbara and I that magic came alive this summer when we entered Barnes and Nobel on Fifth Avenue to see The Big Book of HR displayed as a “Top Pick in Business.” It was Christmas in August!

Even cultures that celebrate Christmas, have different traditions. Some cultures that I didn’t think of as celebrating Christmas, have traditions associated with it.  I was surprised when I visited China in December 2008 to see Christmas decorations and hear Christmas music playing. Religion aside, for me the month leading up to Christmas is filled with wonder and light -- the excitement before the gloomy days and nights of January and February. It's a reflective period, one of hope and compassion. Whether you celebrate Christmas, another holiday, or no holiday at all, do you take any meaning from this time leading up to a new calendar year? Are those meanings reflected in any of your traditions?

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” Theodor Seuss Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)

Thanksgiving – A Time to Reflect

Children in classrooms around the country have been making crafts from construction paper this month – Pilgrim hats, “Indian headdresses, leaves, pine cones – symbols of fall and Thanksgiving culture. Stories will be told in school about how the Indigenous people of North America (Native Americans) shared their harvest feast with the starving English settlers -- turkey, waterfowl, venison, fish, lobster, clams, berries, fruit, pumpkin, and squash. Not exactly the turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, yams and pumpkin pie on this week’s Thanksgiving table.

For the Wampanog tribe, the purpose of the harvest feast was to give thanks for the bounty of food that the growing season had produced -- for the rain and the sunshine which caused the plants that bore the food to grow.  Giving thanks is integral to the Native American culture.  The harvest celebrations allow a time to reflect on being thankful, to be with family, and to count blessings. 

The Wampanoags were caring people who lent a hand to the settlers who were, at the time, less fortunate.  They were heroes who shared their celebration with the Pilgrims.  Yet somehow this has become lost.

Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving is designated as our country's official day to pay homage to Native American heritage and culture?  Somehow, this too has become lost.  Black Friday (and now Gray Thursday) morphed into the official kickoff of the "holiday" shopping season where we pay homage to retail.

As the year draws to a close, it’s time to reflect and pay homage to the people and things that are important.  This year we’ve got a great deal to be thankful for and would like to take a moment to reflect on the people who helped us with our success. We couldn’t have made The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook a reality without them. Shout outs to Susan Devereaux, our virtual assistant, for editing and formatting the manuscript and keeping us on track; Marilyn Allen, our literary agent, for her help and; the staff at Career Press for continuing to believe in us; Sharon Armstrong, our biggest cheerleader; and our many friends and family members who labored through the writing process and gave us encouragement.

Reflect on accomplishments and celebrate successes in your organization.   Give thanks to the people who made those successes happen.  Reflect on your own organizations culture -- it traditions and celebrations.  Review the past, look to the future and take some time to just be!

8 Ways to be a Superstar at Work

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to do a good job at work but I hope you don’t just want to do a good job--you want to be a superstar!  If that’s who you are, here are some things you can do to set yourself apart!

.      Be open to feedback on your performance. Be sure you understand what you’re being tasked to accomplish and if you aren’t clear, ask clarifying questions.  Ask for and listen to feedback from your manager and co-workers and take it to heart.  Strive to exceed expectations—no matter what you’re asked to do!

2.     Be positive. People want to work with others who approach situations with an optimistic spirit.  Smile and greet your co-workers on your way to your desk.  Do your best to enjoy your work to the extent possible—it is work after all!  If you find you aren’t enjoying your work, take a hard look at yourself and your organization—it may be time to move on.

3.     Be an effective communicator. Be sure that everything you write, from texts to board reports, is as well written as you know how.  Ask a colleague to proof read documents that are going to senior management or the board of directors.  Hone your listening skills so that you listen to hear and to understand!  Work on your presentation skills so that when asked, you’ll be ready, willing, and able to be professional.

4.     Be a team player. Whatever your role is in the organization, odds are you will work with others.  Hold up your end of any project you’re working on.  Meet your deadlines so that you don’t hold others up.  Support your fellow employees in their work whenever possible to ensure success for all. Don’t feel that someone has to lose for you to win—look for ways for everyone to come out ahead.

5.     Be self-motivated. Volunteer for task forces or projects to gain valuable experience.  Look for ways to take on assignments that will make your boss look good—you’ll learn and grow while earning some valuable credibility in the organization. Take on assignments and challenges to stretch your skill set. Don’t wait to be asked to do something—jump in where you can!

6.     Be a life-long learner. It’s your responsibility to always be learning and growing in your field so take advantage of any learning opportunity your organization offers.  If they don’t provide learning, look for ways you can do this on your own. There are tons of free webinars and podcasts you can access in addition to books, articles, and other information sources.  Consider taking classes at your local university.  Get an advanced degree or complete your undergraduate or associates degree—especially if your organization offers tuition assistance. Look for a mentor in or out of your organization to help you grow.

7.     Be flexible. Change is inevitable and how you react to change can have a huge impact on your career.  Be as adaptable as you can be and look for the positive things change can bring—including innovation.

8.     Be dependable. Always keep your commitment and be someone the organization can count on.   Watch for ways to add value to your organization so that you’re seen as someone who brings something extra to the job!

Is This For Real?

At an event I attended, a commentator said that in a conflict it's the perceived facts rather than the real facts that are important. Yes, I agree that perceptions may give rise to conflict, but if you want to resolve them, getting the underlying facts is critical.

Perceived facts are often rooted in assumptions. I read a perfect example of how assumptions can start controversy. I often read Carolyn Hax' column in The Washington Post. A recent column was based on an on-line discussion. The original writer described a common situation – someone gets on an elevator and rides it only one floor and the action is often met with snide comments or rude stares. The writer happened to know an individual with a hidden disability who must limit her use of stairs. Someone chimed in admitting she was an occasional eye-roller, and she didn't understand what "hidden disability" meant, but went on to profess that obesity is a huge problem in this country that's consuming health-care resources.

Wait! The original writer never said anything about obesity. She didn't say anything about the nature of her friend's hidden disability. It was the anonymous responder – the eye-roller – who, absent having any facts, made an assumption and reached an erroneous conclusion. Carolyn Hax made the excellent point in her reply that "silent judgments" are not harmless, but rather they are dehumanizing and can be deeply polarizing.

I was cringing as I read the column, thinking of how the discussion might have played out had it happened in the workplace. Things could have turned toxic quickly. Some of the questions I would have liked to have asked the occasional eye roller:

1.     From the information presented, what makes you believe that all hidden disabilities are related to obesity?

2.     Can you explain why you are assigning blame?

3.     If you don’t understand what a hidden disability is, can you help me understand how you have come to make a silent judgment about someone?

I would have asked the original writer more about the nature of her friend's disability, not to pry, but from a curiosity point of view – to genuinely learn and gain a broader understanding.

The eye-roller made statements based on her perceptions and assumptions. They were certainly lacking in understanding and respect. As a result, she made, as Ms. Hax noted, "baseless judgments."

In any conflict, it's important to have the real facts. Otherwise, comments, or worse, insults, get batted back and forth and nothing gets solved. "What's the Problem" is the title of one of the chapters in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. It's devoted to getting and giving good information – in other words, the real facts.

Critical Conversations

Critical conversations occur when we talk about things that really matter and can make a difference. Critical conversations happen best in a comfortable place and space. When critical conversations happen there is a higher probability for conflicts to be resolved, harmony to be established and for many other good things to happen.

Some of my best management consulting and coaching experiences have been when a client is ready, willing and able to deal with a strategic issue. Strategic issues are topics, situations and dynamics that we typically want to ignore, dismiss, hide or forget about. They are those “things going on” that are uncomfortable to talk about and require us to be vulnerable. How many of those types of issues are haunting you, your family or your business right now?

To move toward and actually have a critical conversation is a matter of time, truth, trust and willingness to touch where it hurts the most. Let’s think through this carefully:

Take the time: Now is the time to take adequate time to deal with the matter(s) at hand. We too easily let time be an excuse. When we deal with the strategic issue, we will save time and here is why. Strategic issues are road blocks that stand in the way of important things getting done. They zap time and create inefficiency.

Tell the truth: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth – so help yourself.

Trust: It is trusting yourself and the other person(s) involved to handle what needs to happen to the extent that things can get unstuck and move forward freely. The time must be taken. The truth will set you free to say what must be said and to do what must be done. Be competent, confident and consistent with each other.

Touch where it hurts:  I mean this sincerely and literally. Act with words and a physical touch. Speak with specifics and touch the real pain. It may well be an actual thing or symbolic. We may need to touch our head pointing to our mind, our heart meaning a deep heartache or it may be a hug of care, love, support or forgiveness. Talk about the issue openly and touch what needs to be faced and healed.

Barbara and Cornelia encourage us to ask direct, open-ended questions and ask for concrete information. Here are examples from The Big Book of HR:

·       Tell me more.

·       Help me better understand.

·       Tell me why this is important.

·       What leads you to say that?

·       Give me an example.

·       How would that work?

·       Can you say a little more about how you see things?

Also: Be an active listener:

·       Be patient. Avoid interrupting

·       Resist the urge to formulate a response until after the speaker is finished

·       Listen for feelings as well as facts.

Find many more ideas in chapter 26 of The Big Book of HR.

At home and at work, critical conversations can change lives. If you don’t take the opportunity, maybe no one else in the world ever will.

Bernie Linnartz, of Empowerment Experts, consultant, coach and facilitator

This article originally appeared in the Taos News on May 5, 2016