'Tis the Season

Like it or not, 'tis the season. You survived Thanksgiving -- the turkey, the trimmings, the desserts, and the family gathered round the table. You're thankful that your right-wing uncle and left-wing aunt kept their political differences civil, that your zany cousin kept her antics to a minimum, and that your outspoken brother focused his attention and comments on the football game and didn't offend anyone. Now the year-end holiday season is in full swing, along with high levels of expectations and work. And you thought we were going to say good tidings and cheer!

During this time of the year, there are so many added demands on our time and resources. The added expectations and work -- travel plans and travel, holiday greetings to send, decorations and lights to string, songs to sing, parties with extra cooking and baking, shopping and finding the best gifts at the lowest prices -- all result in extra stress which can lead to conflict. 

Christmas, which is a religious holiday, has become more and more secular and over-commercialized -- which is also resulting in more stress and conflict in our society. There's the expectation that we greet everyone with "Merry Christmas" rather than "Happy Holidays" without realizing that not everyone celebrates this holiday or observes it as a holy day. Diversity and differences. Raised expectations. All potentially ingredients for conflict.

You avoided Black Friday and the malls, opting instead for less hectic, more meaningful shopping experiences. You need stocking stuffers for your brother and that left-wing aunt -- but Christmas is still weeks away. Oh, wait -- your office is doing a Secret Santa; your yoga group is doing a holiday gift exchange where you have to bring a mindful gift; your neighbors are hosting a "Festivus" celebration (remember that Seinfeld episode) and you have to bring a gift under $15. You need to get those gifts sooner. And you still have to buy wrapping paper, decorate the tree, and something else you can't remember at the moment. 

We've got a suggestion, and we'd be honored and humbled if you'd consider it. This fall our latest book, The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book, was published, and it's available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and independent book sellers. It contains over 2,000 mindful and thoughtful phrases that address, among other topics, diversity and expectations. It could be the perfect answer for those last-minute gift exchanges that are making your shopping experience more hectic than planned. It's the perfect gift for your colleagues or clients for the holidays or at any time during the year!

This season of the year should be a reflective one, filled with wonder and light and excitement before the gloomy days of winter, not stress and conflict. The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book is a good reminder that conflict can be addressed with grace and civility.

All the best wishes for this season. Take time to enjoy it and reflect. 

Barbara & Cornelia

Happy Holidays

No, I’m not declaring a “War on Christmas!” This season does encompass many holidays starting with Thanksgiving and ending with New Year’s Day. Different religions and cultures have other celebrations and observances. I love this season with all the lights, decorations, and songs.  I have so many fond family memories of decorating the Christmas tree with my siblings and father -- laughing and squabbling.  

Even cultures that celebrate Christmas, have different traditions, rituals and customs associated with it. Here are a few examples and samples of Christmas around the world:

• The German holiday season begins December 5, the celebration of St. Nicholas’s Day. 

• German children look forward to Christmas Eve, when St. Nicholas brings gifts and rewards to all good children.

• In Latin America Viejo Pascero or Old Man Christmas is the central figure in the Christmas Celebration.

• The children of the Netherlands put carrots and hay out for St. Nicholas’s horse in return for gifts, candies, cookies, fruits & nuts.

• Pere Noel was the bearer of luxuries for French peasants in the Middle Ages. He left gifts in children’s wooden shoes.

• In Norway, Juelesvenn or gift bringer comes during the mid-winter festivities of Jul to hide lucky barley stalks.

• In England, Father Christmas travels from home to home often leaving a Yule Log for each fireplace.

• In Poland, Star Man visits all homes after Christmas Eve supper bringing small gifts and cookies to the children.

• St. Stephen is honored in Ireland on Dec. 26 for his good deeds. Kids go door to door singing for pennies.

• In Russia, Grandfather Frost travels from house to house bringing gifts on New Year’s Day.

• In Italy La Befana arrives on Epiphany Eve or January 5 coming down the chimney with gifts, 

• La Befana waves a cane to warn bad children—who will receive only a lump of coal.

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” Theodor Seuss Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)

Conflict - It's Not Make Believe

We know that conflict is a necessary ingredient in a good story, but how about at work? Well, it can be positive if it’s managed and optimized. Conflict can lead to innovation and creativity resulting in business growth and success. Mean-spirited conflict, on the other hand, is great in a mystery, but at work it can derail relationships quickly. 

Barbara and I have written two books about conflict – The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. Writing non-fiction is admittedly different from writing fiction. Non-fiction writers don’t have to make stuff up. There is plenty of real-life conflict and drama and ready-made villains to write about. 

So who are the villains in our books? In The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook we pose a number of situations drawn from workplace situations. There’s Renata with an abrasive personality. In meetings she’s especially aggressive, cutting people off when they are talking and making snide remarks about ideas they are proposing. What do you say to someone who is so rude and disrespectful? Sometimes the right words escape you, especially in a tense situation.

In The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book we took on the challenge of addressing these situations by providing prompts to help readers formulate their own thoughts so the words don’t come out wrong. Renata could say, “Every time you interrupt, you’re undermining the meeting.” 

Then there’s Lorraine, the manager who’s obviously intimidated by Lars, a new employee accomplished in his profession. She responds to his input in meetings with snarky comments and sarcasm, even belittling his work credentials. Lars could respectfully confront her by saying, “Please don’t call me out publically like you just did in the meeting.” 

What else can you say when a situation gets toxic? 

• If you want to make jokes or criticize, please get your facts straight.
• Statements like that just provoke bad feelings. They’re not respectful.
• This is a professional workplace. There’s no room in it for coarse language.

What if someone tries to pull you into a situation and get you to take their side? How could you respond?

• You’re complaining to me about my coworker, but the situation is between you and her.
• Stop talking about him and talk to him.
• You can’t keep running in here every time he says or does something you don’t like.

Finally, there are things you should absolutely avoid saying, such as:

• You just don’t think!
• This is all your fault.
• Such a nasty person.

Whatever the situation, responding to differences, building team spirit, setting expectations, or giving feedback, The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book will help the words come out right!

Give the gift of Positive Conflict this holiday season -- The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book!

Cornelia Gamlem

It's Always a Good Time for Gratitude

I've been part of a group that meets monthly to discuss the topic of leadership. There are usually about 30 people in attendance -- sometimes more and sometimes fewer, but everyone there really wants to be there since the meeting starts at 7 am!

We meet at a law firm, and the partner in this very prestigious firm always warmly welcomes us. This month she said more than usual -- she said how grateful she was for the people who come month after month and actively participate in the learning that takes place. She said she's become aware of how important it is to acknowledge what we have to be grateful for in our lives, especially at this time of year. I am grateful for this reminder that being thankful is really important -- and not just at Thanksgiving time!

In the U.S., we celebrate Thanksgiving at the end of November. Because of the timing of our Thanksgiving so close to the December holidays, too many people don't even stop to think about what they're thankful for -- especially when the holiday decorations go up in October. 

I like the timing of the Canadian Thanksgiving -- it is celebrated on the second Monday in October, so it gets its very own focus -- not the U.S. version on the fourth Thursday in November, a day when we eat too much, watch NFL games on TV, and plan our shopping expedition for the next day. Somehow, for many people, the idea of giving thanks for our blessings as a nation and as individuals gets lost.

Several years ago, I started keeping a gratitude journal, and it worked so well for me that I gave them out to family and friends. The idea is that every day you write down three (or as many as you want); things you're grateful for that happened that day. Little things that might go unto unnoticed if I wasn't keeping the journal, but when I write them down at the end of the day, I find myself filled with gratitude for how blessed my life really is. Keeping this journal is a simple way to be grateful each and every day.

A New York Times article by Arthur C. Brooks, published on November 21, 2015, titled "Choose to Be Grateful. It Will Make you Happier." tells the story of Mr. Brooks and wife in Barcelona, Spain, sharing the idea of our American Thanksgiving traditions with his new in-laws. He said he had to answer a lot of questions, including why do we stuff the turkey with bread, but the one that stopped him cold was whether one should celebrate the holiday even if you don't feel grateful. Now, years and a lot of research later, he has determined that "acting grateful can actually make you grateful."

The article includes studies that show that "choosing to focus on good things makes you feel better than focusing on bad things", which he said is pretty obvious but nonetheless true.

This Thanksgiving, choose to be happy, give thanks, and express gratitude for the many blessings you have -- be they large or small!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Productive Conflict Is Not An Oxymoron

Adapted from an article from Forbes.com published September 23, 2017

Question: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Answer: Problem solving takes time and effort but in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing. 

Question: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Answer: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Question: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Answer: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that: 

• Can you describe the situation and give me a specific example of what happened?
• Can you explain the issue to me as you see it?
• I feel as if I’m coming into this situation in the middle. Can we start at the beginning?

Question: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habits with genuinely listening to understand?

Answer: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It takes some work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. The active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion -- a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. An active listener has to sincerely want to hear what is being said.  Here are some phrases an active listen can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• This is what I heard you say. Is that correct?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Question:  It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front? 

Answer: At the core of many workplace conflicts is the lack of expectations. There is a golden opportunity to set the tone early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship – the position, the job duties and what success in the position looks like. Let employees know, “These are our values, these are the behaviors that reflect our values, and we have zero tolerance for behavior that is contrary to our values.” The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• This is how your job fits into the role of the department and the mission of the organization.
• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If you don’t understand why I’m asking for something, please speak up and ask me.

Halloween—A Time for Team Building?

It used to be that Halloween was a holiday only celebrated by children but it has now become one of the most widely celebrated holidays in the US (and it’s catching on in other countries as well).  I remember when I moved from Chicago to Los Angeles and was absolutely amazed that pretty much everyone dressed up on Halloween.  Even the bank tellers and the grocery checkout clerks were in full costume and I don’t mean they just put a mask on with their work uniform —they wore amazing costumes that took great creativity to put together!  I remember driving to work on the first Halloween in Los Angeles and almost driving off the road when I looked to my right at a stop light and saw someone dressed like a bear in the car next to me!

So, my first Halloween in LA was pretty amazing for me!  Our office had over 200 employees and there was a contest for the best individual costume and another competition for departments—and that is where it really got interesting!  One of my favorites was the year the accounting department came as the “fruit” from the Fruit of the Loom logo.  Picture the very conservative CFO wearing 20 inflated balloons to replicate the grapes in the logo!  

As you can imagine, not much work was accomplished on Halloween but it was a huge amount of fun and it was a team building day as well.  Putting together a departmental theme took a lot of time and effort and everyone had to participate.  The best part of this story is that EVERYONE participated—even the top executive staff.  Imagine coming to work and seeing the CEO dressed as Dracula—you have to laugh at that sight!

Celebrating Halloween at work has caught on across the US and now many organizations encourage people to come to work in costume.  I share this with you because, if you are a long-time reader of this blog, you know that we think lightening up at work can have a positive impact on productivity, engagement, and retention.  Halloween give you a perfect excuse to have some fun at work and for your employees to work together on something a little more creative and enjoyable than their usual projects!   It may be too late this year to put team costume competition together but think about it for next year!

What will you be for Halloween this year?  Come on—have some fun and see how your employees respond! You may discover Halloween is a great way to strengthen your team

From Conflict to Collaboration

Conflict is about differences while collaboration is about working together. Conflict is about opposites and collaboration is about being on the same side. Conflict is about two or more directions. Collaboration is about oneness and unity. Conflict easily assumes something is better and stronger and the other is worse or weaker. In conflict, there tends to be a right and a wrong or good and bad. In collaboration, two rights create something that is better together and they are two strengths that both become stronger. Collaboration is working together using all available information, knowledge, skills and resources to create the intended result.

In any situation where there is a conflict, you have a choice between remaining in a mode of conflict or creating an approach of collaboration. Let me state this strongly, you and I always have that choice. So why do we choose conflict and battling? (Often, because of our devastating human characteristic of the “need to be right.”)

The Big Book of HR, in chapter twenty-eight, has many great insights regarding moving from conflict to collaboration. Here is one small quote that I want to focus on: “Conflict is often growth that is trying to happen.” It would be very wise of us to memorize that statement. (Maybe even write it on our foreheads.) So, when we find ourselves about to enter the arena of conflict we can consider these two things: First, we can remember and recognize that in the midst of conflict, we have an opportunity for growth. Second, we can choose to move into the garden of growth and learning of collaboration versus the bloody battleground of conflict.

I’m also using five options of dealing with conflict from the book yet, adding my own twist about each of the options. Here they are:

• Compete: We can do battle and have a declared winner and loser.
• Accommodate: One person gives in to avoid the conflict and both sides lose out on growth.
• Avoid: Both sides avoid the conflict and little or nothing gets done.
• Collaborate: Everyone wins and everyone benefits from the best possible results.
• Compromise: The result of compromise is cooperation which is good, yet both sides have sacrificed something of value and the result is usually something less than the best possible outcome.

What conflicts have you been a part of recently? What are the conflicts that you are avoiding right now? I could give you a list of my own regarding both questions. The critical question right now is, knowing what you now know about the choice between conflict and collaboration, why would you not choose collaboration? Are there benefits for you in doing battle? Did you not know you had a choice? 

With collaboration there are benefits of learning, growth and enjoyment. There is also accomplishment, pride and many more surprising outcomes. Conflicts typically become problems which take a lot of time, effort and resources. Collaboration decreases or even eliminates problems.

Bernie Linnartz

This article first appeared on May 12, 2016, in the Taos News.