Simple Requests – Simple Standards

How do simple requests turn into hostility? Consider the following situation that has perplexed me for some time.  I’ve been taking yoga lessons at the same studio for years. In addition to standard request to turn off your cell phones during class, there’s one other simple rule – standard – students and instructors are expected to follow – no shoes in the rooms where the practice takes place. I never asked why, but I’m sure it’s to prevent tracking dirt onto the carpets in the practice rooms. Many of the poses involving lying down on the floor.  Makes sense. There’s a place in the lobby to store your shoes and quickly retrieve them when you leave.

Once, at the beginning of a class, the instructor approached a student who wasn’t a regular in this particular session. The woman’s shoes were lying on the floor next to her yoga mat. The instructor respectfully reminded her that shoes were not allowed in the practice rooms. The woman got extremely defensive and argumentative, stating that she’d carried them in. When the instructor tried once again to very politely remind her of the rule – no shoes in the practice rooms – she became belligerent, arguing that she had to leave early and wanted all her belongings, shoes included, with her so she could make a quick getaway. One more gentle reminder from the instructor, and she grabbed her stuff and stormed out.

The poor instructor was bewildered and started asking those of us who overheard the exchange if we thought she’d been offensive. No she hadn’t – she was quiet and calm in her demeanor as she tried to explain the one, simple standard to which everyone is held. If anyone was offensive, it was that student.

Keep in mind, this is a yoga studio. People practice yoga for both their physical and mental wellbeing. For me, the time before the class begins is the time that I unplug from my day and focus on my own welfare. I try to be mindful that everyone else in attendance is there for the same purpose. Obviously, this belligerent woman didn’t get the memo! She was disturbing everyone else’s peace of mind. Her only concern was that she had to leave the session early. When other students have had to leave early and they are thoughtful enough to let the instructor know before they settle in and they usually take a spot near the door so they can slip away quietly without disruption. This woman had firmly planted herself in the middle of the room with all her stuff!

The no-shoes policy is based on an objective criteria – one that appeals and relates to the shared standards of all students who practice yoga in the studio. Even if the student in question carried her shoes in, let’s face it, shoes can emit odors and be offensive to other students, especially if your head is on the floor. Another shared standard of the community of yogis who practice in this studio is creating and maintaining a culture that is respectful, calming and peaceful. Other than the request to keep your cell phones off, there are no “rules” about this standard. It’s a value and an interest that all members of this community generally embrace. It’s a standard that shouldn’t need an explanation. When individuals don’t espouse the values of the greater community disruptive behavior and conflict can result.

This particular conflict was resolved by the student drawing a line in the sand and when she didn’t get her way, she left. No one asked her to do so, it was her decision. It was her choice not to accept one simple standard based on an objective criteria. It was her loss, but the rest of us enjoyed a delightful yoga practice filled with peace and harmony that evening.  

Dining In The Dark

Two separate events had similar outcomes, namely how we experience things differently when we draw on different senses.

The first was a morning meeting lacking sufficient caffeine – a lesson on mindfulness. The facilitator instructed us to pick up the small cup containing the strawberry. Look at the strawberry, closely. What do you observe? Now pick up the strawberry, feel it and smell it. What do you observe? Each step, each question was focusing us on how we use different senses, sight, touch, and smell to experience the same thing. Finally, close your eyes and take a small bite of the strawberry. What do you notice? With eyes closed and in a quiet room it was amazing. The strawberry was one of the sweetest tastes I can remember - a natural and succulent sweetness. It melted in my mouth.

The purpose was to widen our awareness and make us think about where our attention was at a particular moment – one moment when you’re looking at the strawberry, another when you’re touching it, etc.  Just like you strengthen your muscle memory, you can strengthen your awareness.

The second event was a dinner sponsored by the Foundation Fighting Blindness. After a reception of sushi and wine - plenty of stimulation - the dinner began. The salad and wine were served, while the lights were still on. Then preparation for the main course began. All attendees were given a "Mindfold" - a black blindfold with foam cushioning for comfort - and asked to put it on – the main course would be served and eaten in the dark. Quick, take note - wine here, water next to it. Close your eyes and practice picking them up. Do the same for your knife and fork. Memorize where all these items are relative to your reach. Strengthen your awareness.

Once the dinner came, there was a great deal of chatter in the room. I would have preferred quiet so I could focus more of my senses - taste and touch. So many similar events in hotels prepared me for a meal that would consist of a protein, starch, and vegetable or two. Being a sighted individual, I even had a pretty good sense of where on the plate each item would be located - muscle memory at work. No surprise, the protein was chicken. Clue: the knife was an ordinary table knife. Steak would have required a different knife – more challenging in the dark.

The starch was risotto - I could tell by the texture in my mouth. The strawberry experience prepared me for that. I was grateful for the chatter, however. It alerted me that one of the vegetables was cooked spinach - not a fan. As I ate a piece of asparagus, I began searching with my folk for the spinach to no avail. I put the folk down, reached for a glass - good, it's the wine - and took a sip. Then I ran my fingers over the back of the plate and discovered the spinach. Yes, now I know where it is and I can avoid it. I finished just in time for the announcement that the main course was over. We could remove the “Mindfold” and get ready for coffee and dessert – which appealed to all the senses.

This month is National Disability Employment Awareness Month. Individuals with disabilities have the courage to stare into the waves, know the limitations of some senses and rely on the others. Organizations can be courageous too. Understand the reasonable accommodations individuals with disabilities need to succeed in the jobs for which they qualify!