Answer the Question You Were Asked

“When will you need the funds by?” asked the teller. “It’s okay. I’ll pay the bill from another account,” the customer responded. Interesting comment and information, but it didn’t answer the simple question the teller asked.

Have you ever encountered this frustration? Perhaps when you call a help desk and ask a simple question and receive a data dump of information that doesn’t succinctly answer your question and you’re still left to your own resources—and frustration—to figure out the answer.

Listening is such a critical, but overlooked, part of communication.  As we discuss in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, it’s a three-part process. First, you receive the message from the speaker. Next, you process the message. Take it in and understand what you’ve heard so you know what’s being said or asked. Finally, you answer. If you’ve understood what the speaker asked, you’ll respond in a way that confirms she was, in fact heard. When this occurs, progress and productivity will follow, rather than frustration and stress. If you didn’t understand what the speaker asked, then ask for clarification. 

Clarifying skills reduce ambiguity and establish certainty. You can use statements and questions such as:

• What I think you are saying is…..
• Could you give me an example of ….?
• I’m not sure I understand. Could you repeat that?
• Could you tell me more about….?

Chief Justice John Marshall once said, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.” When we listen, we show that we have the utmost respect for the other person. We are able to get good information and give good information.  We also save time, increase productivity, and avoid conflict.

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month. April 2020 has been particularly stressful for everyone. We are all dealing with the effects of Covid-19. Take the time to stop and listen. Get the right information and give good responses.  Stay well and safe.

Beyond Black and White

Diversity often gets described as something to do with skin tone.  Black and brown. Red, yellow and white. Throw gender into the mix and you’ve got it all. Right?

Wrong. Diversity is so much more than simply race and gender. And as a side note, Hispanic is an ethnic group, not a race. 

There’s been much political discourse recently about our differences—specifically differences in race, national origin and religion. Much of this discourse has been divisive, and divisiveness is destructive and unnecessary. It’s one of the underlying causes of conflict. 

Why can’t everyone be like me? Is that a political rally cry? Far from it. It’s a chapter in one of our books—The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. In that chapter we discuss:

• Changing demographics
• Dimensions of diversity
• Differences matter
• Stereotypes, socialization and assumptions

More importantly, the chapter explores the importance of learning about each other—in the workplace and in life. We discuss how to start conversations with people in order to learn more about them—how to be curious in a respectful manner.  Doing so may require exposing some of your own vulnerability, but it’s a great way to build trust among colleagues, team members, and others.

Eric Swalwell, Congressman from California, recently said something that, among a great deal of political noise, makes a great deal of sense. “America is not just the places you like or look like you. It’s the places you’ve never seen and the people you’ve never met.”  

Placing labels, assigning stereotypes and making assumptions about other people is easy to do. Engaging in respectful curiosity is much harder. Take the courage and initiative to learn more about, appreciate and respect the people with whom you work and with whom you interact. In exchange for doing so, you will gain so much insight about other people and your life will be enriched.

Change – A View from the Top

I recently heard this statement: “Spring is a lovely reminder of how beautiful change can truly be.”  So, consider the change taking place in the following situation:

At the beginning of the school year, the executive director of a private school announces he is retiring at the end of the school year. So everyone affected has nine months to get used to the idea. Shouldn't be a problem, right?  Well, not until the board completes their search and makes a decision between two final candidates – one internal, one external who had previously taught at the school. Needless to say, a majority of the staff wants the internal candidate chosen, but their hopes are dashed when he's not. 

As soon the announcement is made, the gossip and the rumors start. They aren't just about the new executive director or the internal candidate not chosen. They are rumors about the teachers too – which ones may leave because of the choice. Even the students are getting pulled into the scuttlebutt. 

We discuss this very situation in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. No matter how hard the new leader tries to instill confidence and let the existing staff get to know her, this change can bring conflict out in the open. In this scenario, the new leader won't be starting for several months -- and conflict is already rearing its ugly head. 

What to do?  The current leadership must recognize change causes fear. Respect the fears being manifested and listen to people's concerns. Use the rumor mill to spread accurate information to counter the gossip and negative information that's rampant. Over-communicate. Use every available communication methods to reach the staff (including the teachers), parents and, yes, the students. Be honest with people and treat them with respect. Communicate realistic expectations keeping in mind that everyone wants to know how the changing organization is going to affect them.

Remember, the hardest part of change is getting through it.  The conflict tunnel can be dark, but the light at the end may be brighter than the one at the beginning. You can learn more by reading Chapter 1 of The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook which discusses What’s New at Work?

If I Can Get a Word in Edgewise

I love reading advice columns and one of my favorite columnists is Carolyn Hax. This particular headline caught my attention.  The writer needed help setting boundaries with a friend who has a hard time with social cues, constantly interrupts and dominates conversations.  

Setting boundaries at work is more important than ever as workplaces have become relaxed and informal. In fact, we think that boundaries are so important, we talked about them in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook on page 176. Boundaries define limits -- where you end and the other person begins. They help to define and manage interpersonal relationships. Often times you can be dealing with a socially inept friend or coworker, but other times the offending individual may be crossing boundaries very deliberately. Either way, the behavior needs to be addressed. 

You may, like the writer seeking Hax’s advice, struggle with what to say when your boundaries are invaded. That's where The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book can help. On page 126 there are examples of things that you can say to send the right message. 

What about interrupting? Is it ever acceptable?  Of course there are, especially if you must get a word in edgewise. There will be times when you need to get a conversation back on track. Other times you need to ask for clarity. In either situation, interruptions should be delivered with grace and dignity. 

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month. We've collected some of the blogs we've written about conflict and incorporated them into an e-book, Managing Conflict at Work. You can download it from our website www.essentialworkplaceconflicthandbook.com.