The Cost of Conflict

 

So many people avoid conflict, especially at work. That’s a problem especially if the leaders are conflict adverse. Let’s take a quantitative approach of what conflict costs an organization if you address it versus ignore it. Compare the two then decide what’s best for your organization. 

Addressing conflict has associated costs. Consider the situation where a manager observes two team members openly in conflict over some issue and recognizes her need to address it, preferably by sitting them both down and having a facilitated discussion. Calculate those costs: 1) the number of hours the manager spends preparing and holding the discussion times her hourly rate; and 2) the number of hours spent by the individuals in discussion times their hourly rates. This is the simplest approach, and it should be the most cost effective.

If an employee brings a formal, internal complaint, the complexity and costs increase. Someone (internal or external) investigates. It involves time gathering and reviewing background information, determining which individuals to interview, conducting those interviews, and preparing investigation reports. Estimate the amount of time the investigator spends (background, interviews, report) and multiply the estimated hours by his hourly rate. Then add the time spent by interviewees times their hourly rates. There may also be costs associated with legal advisors, depending on the nature of the complaint. 

If external charges are filed, charges of discrimination, for example, this is an indicator that the conflict may not have been acknowledged internally. The cost of responding to an external charge may be similar to internal investigations (fact gathering, interviews, responses).  However, legal counsel will likely be involved, and legal fees will accrue increasing the costs. If a lawsuit is filed, outside counsel’s legal fees will dominate. Needless to say, as the conflict moves further from the root cause, the costs will grow exponentially.

Now consider a situation where there is a conflict that is not brought to anyone’s attention, or perhaps it was, but was not addressed. Are you aware of how many people leave your organization because they have “suffered in silence” until reaching the point where they decide to leave?  The associated costs include lost productivity (can you calculate the extent?) and turnover (which you should be tracking). 

If a work environment is allowed to grow toxic, and the cause of the toxicity is ignored, consider the costs of low morale, lost productivity and extensive turnover.

So, what’s an organization to do if they want to minimize the costs of conflict?

• Foster an environment where differences and problems are addressed. For example, the two team members who can bring their conflict to the manager.
• Train managers how to spot issues so they don’t escalate.
• Empower employees to confront conflict in a positive way, and support them when they bring the conflict forward. 
• Hold all employees to the same standards.
• Invest in training for managers and employees. Compare the training costs with the cost associated with conflict outlined above. Consider which approach brings your organization a larger return on its investment.

You can read more about conflict in our books, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. To learn more, visit our website at https://www.bigbookofhr.com/the-conflict-books

What’s a Manager’s Role in Conflict?

It is Conflict Awareness Month, and you may be seeing a lot of articles and posts about ways to manage conflict in the workplace. One of the parts of conflict that is frequently overlooked is the role managers play in conflict between their team members. Should a manager jump in and try to resolve conflict or not?  

Managers often find themselves trapped in the middle of a situation, a situation or issue that is not theirs to solve. What’s a manager to do?  A manager doesn’t necessarily own every issue – the employees do. Here are five tips to help managers understand their role in and the best approach for dealing with workplace conflict:

• Know when and how to intervene. Different circumstances call for different responses. If one employee’s lack of performance is preventing other employees from getting their jobs done, the manager has a direct role to play. He must address performance deficiencies of that team member. If an employee is struggling because of issues outside the workplace, then expert help, such as an employee assistance program, should be suggested.

• Give your employees the space to grow. Employees need the freedom and authority to solve problems that relate to their work. Help them to learn conflict management techniques and develop problem-solving skills. As a manager, take advantage of this training yourself and model the techniques and skills you learn. Think of the positive impact for your organization when your workforce is skilled in avoiding the negative impact of unresolved conflict. 

• Recognize that tension, egos, and emotions often get in the way. Managers have an interest in developing good working relationships among team members. You should define the problem and the impact it’s having in the workplace. Don’t discount the impact of emotions. Sometimes they are the person’s passion around an issue. Help employees control and balance emotions so they don’t interfere with resolution.  

• Strengthen your own facilitation skills. You are often a neutral observer to a conflict. This is a great vantage point from which you can assist by guiding employees through a mediated discussion. Meet with employees, define roles, and set ground rules. The employees are the primary players, not you. They will be asking questions of each other and proposing solutions. You won’t offer advice, opinions or solutions, even if asked. You’re there to keep the discussion on track.

• Optimize conflict – it’s often creativity and innovation trying to happen. Employees close to the work often have great ideas for better solutions. Help them brainstorm, evaluate and priorities these ideas. When people sit down and talk, calmly and rationally, great information and viewpoints are exchanged. Working relationships are strengthened. Embrace the point of view that conflict is essential in the workplace if it’s part of a creative and engaged culture that wants the organization to grow and thrive. 

To learn more about our books on conflict management, visit our website at https://www.bigbookofhr.com/the-conflict-books

Without Trust, Conflict

 We know that conflict is a necessary ingredient in a good story, but how about at work? Well, if it’s managed and positive, conflict can lead to innovation and creativity resulting in business growth and success. Mean-spirited conflict, on the other hand, is great in a mystery, but at work it can erode trust and derail relationships quickly. 

Every good story has heroes or heroines and villains. They exist in real life and in real organizations. Consider a senior leader described as follows: Always confrontational whenever you ask a question or bring something to their attention. Doesn’t listen and talks over you. Speaks to others in a tone that is scolding and confrontational. Dismissive of others concerns. Doesn’t communicate in a respectful manner. Micromanages people’s time and schedules.

The challenge in this situation comes when others in the organization who interact with this leader say:

• I avoid interaction and find a workaround.
• I cringe when I have to ask something or bring up a situation. 
• Too many negative encounters – my trust is eroded.
• Behavior that doesn’t model our values.
• Recurring behavior that is creating a negative, unproductive work environment.
• I avoid conflict but the behavior has to stop. 

Sounds like it’s time for some respectful confrontation which should come from the leader’s boss since the comments about this leader’s behavior is widespread.  Some points the boss might make are:

• You’re in a visible and valuable position in this organization, but your behavior towards your colleagues is eroding their trust in your abilities and in the organization. Let me give you some examples of the feedback I’ve received. 
• We strive for a collaborative, respectful culture and work environment in the organization. However, your interactions with many staff members have resulted in expressions of poor morale and concerns about the work environment growing toxic. Here are examples of what I’ve heard. 

This gives the boss the opportunity to point out the behavior and the impact it’s having on others individually and on the entire organization. It also opens the conversation to talk about steps for improvement.

The next thing the head of this organization should do, along with modeling respectful behavior, is empower the employees to respond to negative behavior in a respectful and positive way. Examples of things they can say when encountering or observing negative behavior by anyone include:

• Please don’t be dismissive toward others in your comments.
• Talk like that is disingenuous and doesn’t support the values of the organization.
• This goes against who we are as an organization. I can’t accept this type of behavior at work.

Finally, the organization must support and recognize employees when they confront or report negative behavior. Employees have to trust that everyone is accountable and held to the same standards. 

To learn more about our conflict books, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book visit our website at https://www.bigbookofhr.com/the-conflict-books.

Is There Anything Else I Should Know?

Kyle answered his ringing phone. His colleague, Renee, on the other end of the line sounded desperate.  “I need your advice,” she said, and then described an employee problem she was grappling with.  

It was an attendance problem. The employee was often late arriving for work, or taking time off during the day allegedly, for personal appointments, without notifying anyone.  Some days he was just missing in action -- somewhere in the building, but no one could find him.  His manager had spoken with him about it more than once and documented those conversations.  The last conversation resulted in a formal written warning for the employee. Yet his behavior had not changed.  Now they wanted to terminate his employment.  “What do you think, Kyle,” Renee asked, “Can we terminate him?”

Kyle verified with Renee that the documentation was clear and complete, and he was assured the employee received a copy of the written warning. “From everything you shared, it appears that the policy would support termination,” Kyle said. 

Imagine Kyle’s surprise when Karen London, the General Counsel, called several days later wanting to know why he gave the okay to terminate the employee. “Kyle, didn’t you know this employee had filed a harassment complaint the week before he was terminated?”

“Karen, this is the first I’m hearing about his complaint. Renee never told me when she called for my advice. She only described the attendance issue.” 

“Okay, Kyle,” said Karen. “This didn’t sound like something you’d do if you had all the facts and information.  I’ve got it from here.”

Kyle hung up the phone questioning his own competence, and feeling a bit betrayed by Renee. How was I supposed to know there was more to the situation?  I gave her my opinion based on the facts she provided and my interpretation of the policy. She twisted everything.  

He reached for a piece of and wrote something down. Then he taped the paper onto the message board above his desk and thought next time when anyone asks my advice or opinion, I’m ending the conversation with these words: “Is there anything else I should know?”  

Maryanne Robertson

P. S. Who is Maryanne Robertson and why is she writing this post? Find out more about her at

http://makingpeoplematter.blogspot.com/2020/01/meet-maryanne-robertson.html.

No April Fools Here

“Did you ask them, Jason, if they know why they have two ears and one mouth? It’s because they’re supposed to spend more time listening than talking,” said Ellen Cooper.

Jason Edison was delighting the networking group with a tale about intervening with a client who had two teams that couldn’t communicate with each other.  So they decided to form a committee of four people, two from each team, to try to solve the problem. Things went downhill from there. When Jason joined the committee’s first meeting, everyone was talking over each other and him. 

“First I had to whistle to get their attention. Then explain I’m a coach, not a referee,” he said. “Once I got control, I laid down some ground rules. No interruptions, especially when someone’s talking. Respect all viewpoints. Listen with an open mind.”

That’s the thing about conflict.  Often the people involved get embroiled in their emotions.  They don’t see issues clearly.  That’s where a third-party facilitator can move the conversation forward.  And Jason is a terrific facilitator, so I asked him what happened next. 

“I had each team appoint a spokesperson, then gave the first one a chance to state her team’s concern. Then I asked the other team’s spokesperson, ‘What did you hear her say?’ This allowed the receiver to summarize what was said from his viewpoint and gave the initial speaker the opportunity to confirm or clarify what she said.  Then, I reversed the process and the second spokesperson stated his team’s concern followed by summary and clarification. Before long we had a list of issues written down.”

“Now what?” said Ellen. “How are you going to resolve their concerns, Jason?”

“That’s the thing, I’m not. It’s their problem to solve. Someone said he liked the ground rules I set and asked if they’d work if both teams were brought together.”

“Sounds like they want to brainstorm, Jason,” I said.

“Exactly,” he said, explaining that the committee members will take the list of issues back to their respective teams. Once the teams review them, the committee will convene a meeting of both teams, communicating ground rules in advance and asking for agreement. 

• No interruptions.  
• Everyone should contribute an option to resolve the conflict, and all options are encouraged.
• Listen with an open mind. No criticizing.
• All options are written down. Nothing is discounted or ignored.
• Options will be evaluated at a separate meeting.

“The committee members asked me to facilitate the brainstorming session, which I agreed to do, provided everyone agreed to the ground rules. If all goes well, I’ll also facilitate the second meeting when they evaluate options. I’ll let you know what happens next month.” 

This discussion reminded the group of essential elements of managing conflict.  The parties involved 1) have to own it and have to solve the problem; 2) should create multiple options for resolution is important; and 3) separate the process of creating options and evaluating them. It was really timely, too, since April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month.

Maryanne Robertson 

P. S. Who is Maryanne Robertson and why is she writing this post? If you missed our January newsletter, you can find out more about Maryanne at

http://makingpeoplematter.blogspot.com/2020/01/meet-maryanne-robertson.html.

Is this Respectful?

Microaggressions, those prejudiced comments and actions that are indirect, subtle, or intentional forms of bias, are more common in the workplace today than you might imagine them to be. Often hard to recognize, they have a negative impact at work.  Microaggressions cross boundaries—physical, personal, and interpersonal boundaries. They can devalue other people, impact feelings of inclusion, and diminish employees’ contributions.  If they are lodged against people of color, women, individuals with disabilities, or other protected groups, they can be forms of discrimination, especially if they occur frequently. 

On a Sunday morning in September of 2019, I read a cartoon, a column, and an article in the newspaper that all illustrated microaggressions—situations where boundaries were crossed.

Dilbert was mocking a bunch of men who are weak, stupid, and can’t solve a problem while the women can. Is it sexist because only the men are weak—not the women? Of course it is. Discrimination on the basis of sex covers both men and women, and this crossed an interpersonal boundary.

The work advice column discussed repeated and frequent disparaging comments about age directed to an older worker by a younger one. This is another example of crossing an interpersonal boundary and is a potential violation of the Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967, especially if the behavior is persistent. 

Then there was the article was about workplace discrimination against natural hair—natural for African-Americans.  It cited allegations of job offers rescinded and terminations that occurred because of hair style—explicit discrimination. Subtle discrimination was also included—comments about natural hair being unprofessional and the microaggression of attempting to reach out and touch the hair of an African-American colleague. This crossed a physical boundary.

Another example from a different source illustrates a manager crossing a personal boundary.  She continually complained in staff meetings about her step-child’s medical needs. A staff member had a child with similar needs and was extremely uncomfortable with the manager’s comments.

What can individual employees do to contribute to a workplace of respect? 

• Be discreet and sensitive to others. Don’t assume that other people won’t be offended.
• Consider the impact of your behavior on others. 
• Respect privacy—yours and that of others. People have varying comfort levels about discussing certain topics.

What can organizations and managers do? 

• Raise the bar on acceptable workplace behavior and accept nothing less than respect and professionalism.  
• Acknowledge employees who treat each other with respect. 
• Talk about respect, civility, and your policies, with team members. 
• Encourage employees to speak up, and acknowledge them when they do. 
• Take concerns and complaints seriously, and have a neutral process to look into them. 
• Dispel any myths that anyone is exempt from your high behavior standards.

Don’t let microaggressions take your organization down a slippery slope toward a toxic workplace. It’s up to the leaders of the organization to take on the challenge of building and maintaining positive workplace cultures.  

Avoiding Bad Conflict

We’re continuing the discussion we had with Elayne Fluker on her podcast, Support is Sexy, about conflict.   

Question:  We’ve been talking about a well-managed conflict. What about avoiding bad conflict?

Cornelia:  The most important thing to do to avoid conflict is to set expectations early – with employees, associates, and any other business partner.  Make sure the roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. With employees, make sure they know at the beginning of the employment relationship – this is what their job looks like and this is what you expect them to do to meet the responsibilities of their position. If you’re bringing in outside support, make sure everything they are expected to do is outlined and well defined.  

Question:  Should you have an agreement of some sort in writing.

Barbara: That goes to expectations. I like to have a conversation first and then put it in writing – you confirm what you talked about. For example, “As we agreed, this is what I’m going to do and this is what you’re going to do and this is our timeline.” You have clarity and can hold each other accountable. You’re not being legalistic, but if I’ve committed to something and I’m not going to get it done in time, I need to let the other person know – something’s happened – let’s renegotiate those deadlines.  If you have your expectations in writing you have something to refer to, especially if things are not going well.  You can point to it and say, “You agreed to do this and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.”

Cornelia:  I heard someone once say that she had gone through a contentious divorce and that you don’t think about setting a contract before you get married.  She was referring to working things out – who hadn’t kept up their part of the bargain.  She brought the concept into her business dealings, especially working with teams – insisting on setting ground rules and guidelines.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If you have guidelines or rules of engagement written down everyone can commit to them.

Question:  When it comes to addressing conflict, what do you see as some of the mistakes or common mistakes that people make?

Barbara: I think people often have trouble just articulating that this isn’t going well without getting emotional.  If you can keep emotions out of it and simply say, “This is what we agreed to and it’s not going the way we thought it was going to and we need to fix it,” you can address what’s wrong.  Another mistake is letting things go to long thinking it’ll get better – “I’ll give it another week.” Well, by a week later things could have exploded and it’s too late.  Catch things early, be aware of your emotions, and remind yourself this is business and we’ll deal with this in a business way and hopefully maintain a positive relationship.

Cornelia:  People sometimes become overly concerned about the relationship – wanting to avoid hurting someone’s feelings if they say something or do something. You can deliver a negative message in a positive way without it getting personal. Go back to the facts of what happened – keep it as a factual, business issue.

A Well Managed Conflict

We were interviewed for the podcast, Support is Sexy with Elayne Fluker.  We talked about entrepreneurship, and the conversation led to conflict management and resolution.  Here are some excerpts from that conversation. 

Question: You’ve written two books on conflict resolution. Can you share tips with managers and business owners on handling conflict within their businesses whether it’s with their employees or other business associates? 

Barbara: We discuss the positive nature of conflict in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. Conflict, if managed appropriately, can be a very creative process. It can bring ideas into the organization and get people thinking in different ways. You don’t always want to avoid conflict, unless it becomes destructive to the organization.  Well-managed conflict can be very positive in moving relationships and the organization along.

Question: What’s a way a well-managed conflict can move a relationship along?

Barbara: The key is listening to each other. Listening gets totally overlooked. People are prone to want to keep talking and get their ideas out. A well-managed conflict occurs when people put varying ideas out and the others listens without judgment and without trying to respond as quickly as possible. If you really listen to each other it may occur to you, “You know I never thought of it that way.” That revelation can then spark a very good discussion that may end up taking you and the situation in a totally different direction.  That’s one of the keys to maintaining good relationships. If you stop and say I’m going to hear what he or she is say and then use it without getting defensive or argumentative or judgmental, you can have some pretty amazing results. 

Question: How can we create an environment where people know that a well-managed conflict is something that’s encouraged.

Cornelia: Let your employees and business partners know you brought them into the relationship because you valued and want to hear their ideas. And show you really mean it.  In meetings, for example, say, “This is the idea we have,” and open the floor to other people who might offer a differing point of view or idea.  Then listen to what everyone else is saying – and give everybody the opportunity to state their opinions. 

Once all the ideas have been heard, start determining which are doable.  If you don’t think an idea is doable not right now, then let the person know, “It’s a good ideas but it’s going to take some resources we don’t have, so let’s table that for the future.” If you’re not able to act at all, let them know why. Opening the discussion to everybody and being able to implement some ideas will create an environment where people understand it’s fine to state your ideas. If it’s not going to work either now or in the future, people know they’ve been listened too and not shut down. When we talk about positive conflict people think it’s a contradiction, but positive conflict is recognizing that we all come to a decision or idea from a different point of view based on our background and experience. Everyone is open to other creative ideas. You may end up with a much better solution. 

Check back next week to read more excerpts from this discussion. 

Conflict, Stress & Holidays – Oh My!

It rained all night and the result for us was a peaceful night’s sleep.  “It’s a great way to relieve stress,” my husband declared. What stress is he under, I thought, but it had been a long time since we’ve slept through a rainy night. We live in the desert and rain here is rare.  

I’m writing this in late September, just after the devastating storm named Florence battered the east coast. Don’t tell people in the Carolinas that rain is peaceful and relieves stress, unless you want more conflict. We know better – we’ve lived through hurricanes and can understand and appreciate a different point of view.  

One of the keys to managing conflict – and alleviating stress – is the ability to listen to different points of view.  As we discuss in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, we all have different experiences that shape the way we see things and events around us. Hurricane season is devastating in coastal areas. The summer monsoon season, as the rainy season is called in the Southwest, is welcomed with open arms.

There are more stressful seasons descending upon us. Halloween? No, it will be fun even with the ghosts and goblins and other dark creatures. But then we prepare for Thanksgiving – families gathered around the table. You’re concerned that after the upcoming mid-term elections your right-wing and left-wing relatives won’t keep their political differences civil and are hoping your outspoken brother focuses his attention and comments on the football game rather than offending anyone. 

You may take a pass on Black Friday, but there’s still the stress of holiday gift giving – selecting the perfect gift for everyone, purchasing it, and wrapping it.  

Barbara and I have a gift suggestion, and we'd be honored and humbled if you'd consider it.  We published two books on conflict, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. They are available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and independent book sellers. Both address topics of diversity, differences and expectations among others. It could be the perfect answer for those relatives who can’t get along or a gift for your colleagues or clients not only at the holidays, but at any time during the year! These books are a good reminder that conflict can be addressed with grace and civility.

Look no further, you can order both books online. To ease the stress, we’ve added links.  The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook: https://tinyurl.com/y8qy4msz and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book:  https://tinyurl.com/ycktzyz9,

Free up your time this holiday season for the decorating, baking, partying – whatever you love, but can’t seem to find the time, to do. Fill this time with wonder and light and excitement before the gloomy days of winter, not stress and conflict.