Can you speak up?

Living in the Southwest, I'm once again reminded that there are so many dimensions of diversity. 

An article in the Albuquerque Journal on May 4, 2018 caught my attention. It was about two Native American teens who had travelled to a city out of state for a college tour. During the tour they were pulled from the group by two police officers. A complaint had been made by the mother of another student who stated, according to the article, they were too quiet. The teens were the only minorities in the group of white teens and parents.

The incident made national and international news with allegations of discrimination, negative stereotyping and racial profiling. That’s not what this post is about. It’s about a comment made by one of the officers.  He was reported as saying to the teens mother, “Maybe it will be a lesson for your kids that when they’re in a public situation to speak up.” 

There are numerous dimensions of diversity that go well beyond the ones that are obvious, the ones that can be seen and observed, like race and sex. People have different work and personality styles – they can be introverts or extroverts. My reaction when I read the comment by the officer: Maybe they are both shy! Maybe they are introverts.

Management lesson:  Every team will have introverts.  In meetings, you want to encourage everyone to participate in discussions. But remember, introverts don’t tend to speak up. They may have to be asked. They may need time to process the information being shared. You sometimes have to be creative and draw them out, especially in a meeting situation.  

Get to know your team members and learn more about them and their preferred style. We all have our own comfort zones. If you learn some people are shy or intimidated speaking out in a meeting – respect that difference.  If some individuals tell you they like to have time to process information before offering solutions – respect that difference. Find out how they are comfortable contributing. Leave the door open to accepting suggestions – perhaps in person or via email – after the meeting has concluded.  Don’t overlook them – they may have the solution you’ve been looking for! 

From Conflict to Collaboration

Conflict is about differences while collaboration is about working together. Conflict is about opposites and collaboration is about being on the same side. Conflict is about two or more directions. Collaboration is about oneness and unity. Conflict easily assumes something is better and stronger and the other is worse or weaker. In conflict, there tends to be a right and a wrong or good and bad. In collaboration, two rights create something that is better together and they are two strengths that both become stronger. Collaboration is working together using all available information, knowledge, skills and resources to create the intended result.

In any situation where there is a conflict, you have a choice between remaining in a mode of conflict or creating an approach of collaboration. Let me state this strongly, you and I always have that choice. So why do we choose conflict and battling? (Often, because of our devastating human characteristic of the “need to be right.”)

The Big Book of HR, in chapter twenty-eight, has many great insights regarding moving from conflict to collaboration. Here is one small quote that I want to focus on: “Conflict is often growth that is trying to happen.” It would be very wise of us to memorize that statement. (Maybe even write it on our foreheads.) So, when we find ourselves about to enter the arena of conflict we can consider these two things: First, we can remember and recognize that in the midst of conflict, we have an opportunity for growth. Second, we can choose to move into the garden of growth and learning of collaboration versus the bloody battleground of conflict.

I’m also using five options of dealing with conflict from the book yet, adding my own twist about each of the options. Here they are:

• Compete: We can do battle and have a declared winner and loser.
• Accommodate: One person gives in to avoid the conflict and both sides lose out on growth.
• Avoid: Both sides avoid the conflict and little or nothing gets done.
• Collaborate: Everyone wins and everyone benefits from the best possible results.
• Compromise: The result of compromise is cooperation which is good, yet both sides have sacrificed something of value and the result is usually something less than the best possible outcome.

What conflicts have you been a part of recently? What are the conflicts that you are avoiding right now? I could give you a list of my own regarding both questions. The critical question right now is, knowing what you now know about the choice between conflict and collaboration, why would you not choose collaboration? Are there benefits for you in doing battle? Did you not know you had a choice? 

With collaboration there are benefits of learning, growth and enjoyment. There is also accomplishment, pride and many more surprising outcomes. Conflicts typically become problems which take a lot of time, effort and resources. Collaboration decreases or even eliminates problems.

Bernie Linnartz

This article first appeared on May 12, 2016, in the Taos News.

Based on an interview with Rodger Dean Duncan, originally posted on forbes.com on September 23, 2017

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. Conflict—when it’s handled appropriately—can lead to breakthrough solutions. It all requires honest dialogue. Fortunately, it’s a learnable skill.

A helpful tool is a new book by Cornelia Gamlem and Barbara Mitchell. It’s called The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. If you find yourself fumbling for words, this book can help you navigate through even the most challenging conversations.

Rodger Dean Duncan: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Cornelia Gamlem: Problem-solving takes time and effort. But in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people often don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing.

Duncan: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Barbara Mitchell: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Duncan: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Gamlem: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that.

• Something’s been brought to my attention. Can we talk about this issue now, or would a time later today be better?
• You’re talking in sound bites. What are the facts behind them, please?
• What do we not know and what do we need to know? How can we get that information?

Duncan: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habit with genuine listening to understand?

Mitchell: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It encourages the other person to talk. It takes work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. Here’s how it works. While the speaker is talking, the active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion—a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. Here are some phrases an active listener can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• I’m puzzled. Would you mind repeating that?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Duncan: It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front?

Gamlem: If people don’t understand what’s expected of them, the result can be confusion and conflict. There is a golden opportunity to expectations early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship. The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If there is something you don’t understand, let me know as soon as possible so I can explain it.
• It’s okay to admit what you don’t know.

15 Phrases That Will Help You Better Understand a Hard Conversation By Marissa Levin

I've had the opportunity to dig into a new book that I believe will solve many communications problems for anyone who reads it: "The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.”  It has more than 2,000 phrases to address virtually any type of workplace conflict, but of course we can apply these theories to our personal relationships too. 

In today's distracted environment where people are concurrently checking or being interrupted by their devices while having conversations, or are having more "conversations" via text, we are all vulnerable to being misunderstood, and we are more likely to misunderstand others. Communication is simply much more challenging.

"The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book" provides us with these phrases we can use when a communications breakdown or misunderstanding is likely.

Here are 15 to help us be more engaged, and to encourage our partner to share more.

1. What happened?
2. Can you give me an example?
3. It seems like we are having a hard time being clear with each other. Can we start over?
4. I appreciate your undivided attention. It lets me know you are listening to what I have to say.
5. Every time you look at your [phone, watch, computer], you signal that this conversation is not important.
6. So your main concern is [x].
7. You look puzzled. Should I repeat that?
8. You look excited. What do you want to tell me?
9. Is this what you said?
10. I hope I am not jumping to conclusions, but what I heard you say was [x].
11. Tell me more about [x].
12. Just so we are clear, here is what I heard you say.
13. That's very interesting. Go on, I would like to hear more.
14. What happened next?
15. Really?

We all know how it feels to be engaged in a conversation at work and feel that we are not being heard, or that the other person isn't "there" with us. By being more cognizant of how we are coming across in a conversation, and by actively listening to what is being said, we maximize the opportunity for not only greater clarity, but also for a deeper connection.

Here are 10 reasons to engage in active listening:

1. You better understand people.
2. You can start new conversations.
3. You can intelligently answer questions and make informed decisions.
4. You can correct misconceptions.
5. You can increase your own knowledge.
6. You can learn a new perspective.
7. You can correct your own false assumptions.
8. You can stay relevant and current.
9. You can learn specific language and lingo for an organization or project.
10. You can direct your conversation partner to additional sources of support once you understand their situation.

Active listening starts with our own self-awareness of how we may come to conversations with filters or with closed minds. Once we clear the block that may be preventing us from listening fully, we open the potential for unlimited understanding, connection, and attainment of knowledge.

Good luck!

This article originally appeared in Inc.com on August 30, 2017