Hawks and Doves

This isn't a political commentary. It's a story. We came home from a weekend trip and entered the house through the garage. So didn't notice it right away, not until I opened the front door there it was. Bird features – a lot of them, some in clumps – all over the courtyard. I asked my neighbor, Fran, if they had noticed anything unusual. “It was a hawk murder,” she said. 

We have many doves in our new neighborhood who delight us with their cooing. Unfortunately the hawk, who’s been frequently spotted and shooed away by a frustrated Fran, knows about this dove population too. In the laws of nature, the hawk is a predator, and this weekend with no human residents around as a deterrent, a poor dove fell victim to his prey. We witnessed all the evidence in our courtyard. 

In the workplace, managers often have to contend with hawks, the aggressive and competing types, as well as doves, who are all about compromising, being cooperative, and finding peace.  While managers may have to mediate differences between these two, or other types, a manager should never tolerate predatory, aggressive and competing behavior from any type. That means no cutting sarcasm or thoughtless humor. No jokes at others expense. No dismissive behavior – ignoring colleagues input or talking over each other in meetings. 

Managers have the responsibility to address and stop disruptive workplace behavior.  Respectfully confront the individual engaging in such behavior and explain why it’s wrong. “You may intend that joke to be funny, but it’s belittling and demeaning.” And, let the individual know that the behavior has to stop. 

Don’t wait until you observe such behavior. Be proactive. Talk about disruptive behavior of all types – harassment and bullying are the extreme examples – in staff meetings. “Comments and jokes that take aim at others are not professional and don’t belong in the workplace.” Have open conversations about the organization’s policies and culture, listen to employee’s concerns and encourage everyone to speak up. This will not only support and maintain a positive culture, it will build your personal credibility. 

5 Things To Know About Conflict Styles

Understanding your conflict style and adjusting it to each situation is so important in managing workplace conflict. So, what’s your conflict style preference? Are you:

Competing, someone who likes to argue and debate? Competing often means defending a position you believe is correct, or simply trying to win.

Accommodating, someone who is unassertive and cooperative, often yielding to another’s point of view or even giving in when you believe your ideas are better? Accommodating is the complete opposite of competing.

Avoiding, someone who is unassertive and uncooperative neither pursuing your concerns or others?  Avoiding doesn’t commit and is unsure where h/she stands on issues.  

Compromising, someone who is moderate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness, looking to fine an expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties? Compromising is intimidated by direct confrontation and looks to gain consensus or seek a quick middle-ground solution.

Collaborating, someone who is both assertive and cooperative and takes a win-win approach to find a solution that fully satisfies both? Collaborating understands the value of positive conflict and often acts as a mediator. 

Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling modes and no one uses a single style of dealing with conflict. Understanding your own preferred conflict style and the preferred conflict style of others, helps us take conflict less personally and creatively resolve workplace disputes. Once you understand the preferred style of others, you can use these ideas to work successfully with a person using a particular conflict style or mode:

Allow the competing style time to vent.  Be gracious while doing your best to discover what they fear.  Use reflecting listening skills and don’t forget that humor may go a long way in getting a competing person to relax and then be able to resolve the conflict.

Be direct and patient with the avoiding style while you work to understand their position.  Be supportive and allow that person to feel as if they can confront you with their issue.

Active listening is effective with the compromising style as you work to create a supportive environment where the person will feel comfortable.  Describe the impact of their behavior on the situation and allow them to feel as if they can confront you with the issue.

Try to get the accommodating style to open up about their feelings and fears.  Monitor their energy level since they are susceptible to burnout.  Solicit their input and feedback since probably won’t offer it willingly.

Watch and learn from the collaborating style in order to enhance your own abilities to deal with conflict. This way you won’t always depend on them in conflict situations since they are skilled at resolving whatever comes up.  

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month, but let’s keep this awareness going. Having workplaces filled with creativity and respect is essential for organizational success. Spread the word, share our posts, and we’d be honored if you recommended our books The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book to your colleagues and friends and on Amazon.  

From Conflict to Collaboration

Conflict is about differences while collaboration is about working together. Conflict is about opposites and collaboration is about being on the same side. Conflict is about two or more directions. Collaboration is about oneness and unity. Conflict easily assumes something is better and stronger and the other is worse or weaker. In conflict, there tends to be a right and a wrong or good and bad. In collaboration, two rights create something that is better together and they are two strengths that both become stronger. Collaboration is working together using all available information, knowledge, skills and resources to create the intended result.

In any situation where there is a conflict, you have a choice between remaining in a mode of conflict or creating an approach of collaboration. Let me state this strongly, you and I always have that choice. So why do we choose conflict and battling? (Often, because of our devastating human characteristic of the “need to be right.”)

The Big Book of HR, in chapter twenty-eight, has many great insights regarding moving from conflict to collaboration. Here is one small quote that I want to focus on: “Conflict is often growth that is trying to happen.” It would be very wise of us to memorize that statement. (Maybe even write it on our foreheads.) So, when we find ourselves about to enter the arena of conflict we can consider these two things: First, we can remember and recognize that in the midst of conflict, we have an opportunity for growth. Second, we can choose to move into the garden of growth and learning of collaboration versus the bloody battleground of conflict.

I’m also using five options of dealing with conflict from the book yet, adding my own twist about each of the options. Here they are:

• Compete: We can do battle and have a declared winner and loser.
• Accommodate: One person gives in to avoid the conflict and both sides lose out on growth.
• Avoid: Both sides avoid the conflict and little or nothing gets done.
• Collaborate: Everyone wins and everyone benefits from the best possible results.
• Compromise: The result of compromise is cooperation which is good, yet both sides have sacrificed something of value and the result is usually something less than the best possible outcome.

What conflicts have you been a part of recently? What are the conflicts that you are avoiding right now? I could give you a list of my own regarding both questions. The critical question right now is, knowing what you now know about the choice between conflict and collaboration, why would you not choose collaboration? Are there benefits for you in doing battle? Did you not know you had a choice? 

With collaboration there are benefits of learning, growth and enjoyment. There is also accomplishment, pride and many more surprising outcomes. Conflicts typically become problems which take a lot of time, effort and resources. Collaboration decreases or even eliminates problems.

Bernie Linnartz

This article first appeared on May 12, 2016, in the Taos News.

Understanding Your Conflict Style

In order to manage workplace conflict, it’s important to be able to understand and adjust to each situation and to the preferred conflict style of those involved.

Everybody has a conflict style preference and knowing our own style preference and those of others can really help us manage workplace conflict. Here are the style definitions:

Competing attacks and likes to argue and debate. This type is competitive, assertive, and uncooperative, and can be threatening and intimidating, causing others to give in to avoid the argument. Competing means “standing up for your rights,” defending a position you believe is correct, or simply trying to win.

Accommodating is unassertive and cooperative, and is the complete opposite of competing. Accommodating may yield to another’s point of view or give even when h/she believes h/her ideas are better.

Avoiding is unassertive and uncooperative and neither pursues h/her own concerns nor those of others. This type will not commit and is unsure where h/she stands on issues.

Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative and takes a win-win stance in an attempt to work to find a solution that fully satisfies both people. This style approaches conflict with skill and balance, understands the value of positive conflict, and often acts as a mediator.

Compromising is moderate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness. The objective is to find some expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties. Compromise gives up more than competing but less than accommodating and is intimidated by direct confrontation. They look to gain consensus or seek a quick middle-ground solution.

Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling modes and no one uses a single style of dealing with conflict. But certain people use some modes better than others and, therefore, tend to rely on those modes more heavily than others—whether because of temperament or practice.

Understanding your own preferred conflict style and the preferred conflict style of others can really help take some emotion and some personalization out of the conflict. When we understand conflict styles, we hopefully will stop thinking in terms of “I’m right and he’s wrong,” and take the actions of others less personally. Then we can use the energy we’d normally waste on trying to figure them out to creatively resolve the underlying issues of the dispute. We can also consciously choose to use a different conflict style when the situation demands it. But this takes practice to use a style that perhaps isn’t as comfortable for you as your preferred style. However, you can learn to use different styles effectively and it is worth it to try!

Once you understand your own preferred style of dealing with conflict, it helps to try and understand the people you work with and how they approach conflict. While it’s probably not a great idea to just ask them, if you listen carefully and observe your co-workers, you will probably be able to get a pretty good idea of their conflict mode. Once you’re armed with that knowledge (and remember, just like you, other people may use different conflict modes at different times), here are some ideas of how you can work successfully with a person using that particular conflict style or mode:

Competing: If you’re working with someone whose style preference is competing, take time to allow them to vent. You will want to be gracious while doing your best to discover what they fear. This is a good place for you to use reflecting listening skills and don’t forget that humor may go a long way in getting a competing person to relax and then be able to resolve the conflict.

Avoiding: If you’re working with someone whose style preference is avoiding, you will need to be direct and patient while you work to understand their position. You will need to be supportive and allow that person to feel as if they can confront you with their issue.

Compromising: If you’re working with someone whose style preference is compromising, active listening skills will be useful as you work to create a supportive environment where the person will feel comfortable. Try describing the impact of their behavior on the situation and allow them to feel as if they can confront you with the issue.

Accommodating: If you’re working with someone who is accommodating, you need to try and get them to open up on how they are feeling and what they fear. You need to monitor their energy level since they are susceptible to burnout. Your role is to solicit their input and their feedback because they probably won’t offer it willingly.

Collaborating: If you’re working with someone whose style preference is collaborating, you and others in your work group will probably learn early on to depend on them in conflict situations since they are skilled at resolving whatever comes up. Watch and learn from them in order to enhance your own abilities to deal with conflict.

Why is it so important to understand our own conflict style preference and the style preferences of those around us? Different styles lead to different approaches to how we relate to others and how we work together. These style preferences aren’t perfect or always accurate, but can be helpful as you work with others in your organization to resolve the conflicts that arise just because we’re human beings who think and act differently.

This article was originally published on December 28, 2015 on Thoughtleadersllc.com