Conflict - It's Not Make Believe

We know that conflict is a necessary ingredient in a good story, but how about at work? Well, it can be positive if it’s managed and optimized. Conflict can lead to innovation and creativity resulting in business growth and success. Mean-spirited conflict, on the other hand, is great in a mystery, but at work it can derail relationships quickly. 

Barbara and I have written two books about conflict – The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. Writing non-fiction is admittedly different from writing fiction. Non-fiction writers don’t have to make stuff up. There is plenty of real-life conflict and drama and ready-made villains to write about. 

So who are the villains in our books? In The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook we pose a number of situations drawn from workplace situations. There’s Renata with an abrasive personality. In meetings she’s especially aggressive, cutting people off when they are talking and making snide remarks about ideas they are proposing. What do you say to someone who is so rude and disrespectful? Sometimes the right words escape you, especially in a tense situation.

In The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book we took on the challenge of addressing these situations by providing prompts to help readers formulate their own thoughts so the words don’t come out wrong. Renata could say, “Every time you interrupt, you’re undermining the meeting.” 

Then there’s Lorraine, the manager who’s obviously intimidated by Lars, a new employee accomplished in his profession. She responds to his input in meetings with snarky comments and sarcasm, even belittling his work credentials. Lars could respectfully confront her by saying, “Please don’t call me out publically like you just did in the meeting.” 

What else can you say when a situation gets toxic? 

• If you want to make jokes or criticize, please get your facts straight.
• Statements like that just provoke bad feelings. They’re not respectful.
• This is a professional workplace. There’s no room in it for coarse language.

What if someone tries to pull you into a situation and get you to take their side? How could you respond?

• You’re complaining to me about my coworker, but the situation is between you and her.
• Stop talking about him and talk to him.
• You can’t keep running in here every time he says or does something you don’t like.

Finally, there are things you should absolutely avoid saying, such as:

• You just don’t think!
• This is all your fault.
• Such a nasty person.

Whatever the situation, responding to differences, building team spirit, setting expectations, or giving feedback, The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book will help the words come out right!

Give the gift of Positive Conflict this holiday season -- The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book!

Cornelia Gamlem

It's Always a Good Time for Gratitude

I've been part of a group that meets monthly to discuss the topic of leadership. There are usually about 30 people in attendance -- sometimes more and sometimes fewer, but everyone there really wants to be there since the meeting starts at 7 am!

We meet at a law firm, and the partner in this very prestigious firm always warmly welcomes us. This month she said more than usual -- she said how grateful she was for the people who come month after month and actively participate in the learning that takes place. She said she's become aware of how important it is to acknowledge what we have to be grateful for in our lives, especially at this time of year. I am grateful for this reminder that being thankful is really important -- and not just at Thanksgiving time!

In the U.S., we celebrate Thanksgiving at the end of November. Because of the timing of our Thanksgiving so close to the December holidays, too many people don't even stop to think about what they're thankful for -- especially when the holiday decorations go up in October. 

I like the timing of the Canadian Thanksgiving -- it is celebrated on the second Monday in October, so it gets its very own focus -- not the U.S. version on the fourth Thursday in November, a day when we eat too much, watch NFL games on TV, and plan our shopping expedition for the next day. Somehow, for many people, the idea of giving thanks for our blessings as a nation and as individuals gets lost.

Several years ago, I started keeping a gratitude journal, and it worked so well for me that I gave them out to family and friends. The idea is that every day you write down three (or as many as you want); things you're grateful for that happened that day. Little things that might go unto unnoticed if I wasn't keeping the journal, but when I write them down at the end of the day, I find myself filled with gratitude for how blessed my life really is. Keeping this journal is a simple way to be grateful each and every day.

A New York Times article by Arthur C. Brooks, published on November 21, 2015, titled "Choose to Be Grateful. It Will Make you Happier." tells the story of Mr. Brooks and wife in Barcelona, Spain, sharing the idea of our American Thanksgiving traditions with his new in-laws. He said he had to answer a lot of questions, including why do we stuff the turkey with bread, but the one that stopped him cold was whether one should celebrate the holiday even if you don't feel grateful. Now, years and a lot of research later, he has determined that "acting grateful can actually make you grateful."

The article includes studies that show that "choosing to focus on good things makes you feel better than focusing on bad things", which he said is pretty obvious but nonetheless true.

This Thanksgiving, choose to be happy, give thanks, and express gratitude for the many blessings you have -- be they large or small!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Productive Conflict Is Not An Oxymoron

Adapted from an article from Forbes.com published September 23, 2017

Question: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Answer: Problem solving takes time and effort but in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing. 

Question: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Answer: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Question: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Answer: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that: 

• Can you describe the situation and give me a specific example of what happened?
• Can you explain the issue to me as you see it?
• I feel as if I’m coming into this situation in the middle. Can we start at the beginning?

Question: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habits with genuinely listening to understand?

Answer: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It takes some work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. The active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion -- a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. An active listener has to sincerely want to hear what is being said.  Here are some phrases an active listen can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• This is what I heard you say. Is that correct?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Question:  It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front? 

Answer: At the core of many workplace conflicts is the lack of expectations. There is a golden opportunity to set the tone early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship – the position, the job duties and what success in the position looks like. Let employees know, “These are our values, these are the behaviors that reflect our values, and we have zero tolerance for behavior that is contrary to our values.” The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• This is how your job fits into the role of the department and the mission of the organization.
• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If you don’t understand why I’m asking for something, please speak up and ask me.

Halloween—A Time for Team Building?

It used to be that Halloween was a holiday only celebrated by children but it has now become one of the most widely celebrated holidays in the US (and it’s catching on in other countries as well).  I remember when I moved from Chicago to Los Angeles and was absolutely amazed that pretty much everyone dressed up on Halloween.  Even the bank tellers and the grocery checkout clerks were in full costume and I don’t mean they just put a mask on with their work uniform —they wore amazing costumes that took great creativity to put together!  I remember driving to work on the first Halloween in Los Angeles and almost driving off the road when I looked to my right at a stop light and saw someone dressed like a bear in the car next to me!

So, my first Halloween in LA was pretty amazing for me!  Our office had over 200 employees and there was a contest for the best individual costume and another competition for departments—and that is where it really got interesting!  One of my favorites was the year the accounting department came as the “fruit” from the Fruit of the Loom logo.  Picture the very conservative CFO wearing 20 inflated balloons to replicate the grapes in the logo!  

As you can imagine, not much work was accomplished on Halloween but it was a huge amount of fun and it was a team building day as well.  Putting together a departmental theme took a lot of time and effort and everyone had to participate.  The best part of this story is that EVERYONE participated—even the top executive staff.  Imagine coming to work and seeing the CEO dressed as Dracula—you have to laugh at that sight!

Celebrating Halloween at work has caught on across the US and now many organizations encourage people to come to work in costume.  I share this with you because, if you are a long-time reader of this blog, you know that we think lightening up at work can have a positive impact on productivity, engagement, and retention.  Halloween give you a perfect excuse to have some fun at work and for your employees to work together on something a little more creative and enjoyable than their usual projects!   It may be too late this year to put team costume competition together but think about it for next year!

What will you be for Halloween this year?  Come on—have some fun and see how your employees respond! You may discover Halloween is a great way to strengthen your team

From Conflict to Collaboration

Conflict is about differences while collaboration is about working together. Conflict is about opposites and collaboration is about being on the same side. Conflict is about two or more directions. Collaboration is about oneness and unity. Conflict easily assumes something is better and stronger and the other is worse or weaker. In conflict, there tends to be a right and a wrong or good and bad. In collaboration, two rights create something that is better together and they are two strengths that both become stronger. Collaboration is working together using all available information, knowledge, skills and resources to create the intended result.

In any situation where there is a conflict, you have a choice between remaining in a mode of conflict or creating an approach of collaboration. Let me state this strongly, you and I always have that choice. So why do we choose conflict and battling? (Often, because of our devastating human characteristic of the “need to be right.”)

The Big Book of HR, in chapter twenty-eight, has many great insights regarding moving from conflict to collaboration. Here is one small quote that I want to focus on: “Conflict is often growth that is trying to happen.” It would be very wise of us to memorize that statement. (Maybe even write it on our foreheads.) So, when we find ourselves about to enter the arena of conflict we can consider these two things: First, we can remember and recognize that in the midst of conflict, we have an opportunity for growth. Second, we can choose to move into the garden of growth and learning of collaboration versus the bloody battleground of conflict.

I’m also using five options of dealing with conflict from the book yet, adding my own twist about each of the options. Here they are:

• Compete: We can do battle and have a declared winner and loser.
• Accommodate: One person gives in to avoid the conflict and both sides lose out on growth.
• Avoid: Both sides avoid the conflict and little or nothing gets done.
• Collaborate: Everyone wins and everyone benefits from the best possible results.
• Compromise: The result of compromise is cooperation which is good, yet both sides have sacrificed something of value and the result is usually something less than the best possible outcome.

What conflicts have you been a part of recently? What are the conflicts that you are avoiding right now? I could give you a list of my own regarding both questions. The critical question right now is, knowing what you now know about the choice between conflict and collaboration, why would you not choose collaboration? Are there benefits for you in doing battle? Did you not know you had a choice? 

With collaboration there are benefits of learning, growth and enjoyment. There is also accomplishment, pride and many more surprising outcomes. Conflicts typically become problems which take a lot of time, effort and resources. Collaboration decreases or even eliminates problems.

Bernie Linnartz

This article first appeared on May 12, 2016, in the Taos News.

Based on an interview with Rodger Dean Duncan, originally posted on forbes.com on September 23, 2017

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. Conflict—when it’s handled appropriately—can lead to breakthrough solutions. It all requires honest dialogue. Fortunately, it’s a learnable skill.

A helpful tool is a new book by Cornelia Gamlem and Barbara Mitchell. It’s called The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. If you find yourself fumbling for words, this book can help you navigate through even the most challenging conversations.

Rodger Dean Duncan: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Cornelia Gamlem: Problem-solving takes time and effort. But in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people often don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing.

Duncan: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Barbara Mitchell: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Duncan: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Gamlem: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that.

• Something’s been brought to my attention. Can we talk about this issue now, or would a time later today be better?
• You’re talking in sound bites. What are the facts behind them, please?
• What do we not know and what do we need to know? How can we get that information?

Duncan: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habit with genuine listening to understand?

Mitchell: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It encourages the other person to talk. It takes work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. Here’s how it works. While the speaker is talking, the active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion—a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. Here are some phrases an active listener can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• I’m puzzled. Would you mind repeating that?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Duncan: It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front?

Gamlem: If people don’t understand what’s expected of them, the result can be confusion and conflict. There is a golden opportunity to expectations early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship. The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If there is something you don’t understand, let me know as soon as possible so I can explain it.
• It’s okay to admit what you don’t know.

Break Points -- Productivity Boosters or Waste of Time?

I imagine that most of us think that taking a break from work isn't a good thing. We've been conditioned to think that hard work is what pays off, and hard work is measured by how long we work -- right? 

Have you ever been praised for your ability to take frequent breaks from your tasks? No, most of us get reinforcement for "keeping our nose to the grindstone" -- a rather outdated phrase, but I bet you've heard it sometime in your working life!

Well, it appears that working long hours with no breaks doesn't make us more productive and, in fact, actually has a negative impact on productivity and certainly on creativity. And then there are the physical health benefits of taking breaks. 

You've probably heard that "sitting is the new smoking" adage -- sitting for long periods of time is not good for us. Recently, my internist told me to get up from my chair every 30 minutes, and I laughed at this suggestion until I started researching this article.

Since much of my time is spent writing books, blogs, and articles, the idea that I can get anything done in short periods of time didn't make sense to me. But I tried it, and yes, I can make real progress in 25 minutes. As a self-confessed procrastinator, I find that I'm able to get started on projects or assignments sooner when I think I only have to focus on them for 25 minutes -- it forces me to sit and write. I actually set the timer to remind me to get up -- and I set it in another room so I have to get up to turn it off!

Here's the hard part -- a break is not stopping to check email or just sneaking a look at Facebook or Instagram. A break is stepping away from your work for a short time to maybe take a walk around the office or the block. This kind of break allows you to clear your head so that when you return to your work, you're focused.

An article in The Atlantic.com on September 17, 2014, shares research that says the most productive schedule is to work for 52 minutes and then take a 17-minute break! They suggest that "rather than set your stop-watch for 17:00 when you get up from your desk, the more important reminder might be to get up at all."

There are other changes we can make that have both health and productivity payoffs -- try standing-up meetings. They tend to be shorter than sit-down meetings, so that's a productivity boost right there. Or how about walking meetings? Of course, the weather has to be good, and it can't be a large group of people or a meeting where you need a whiteboard or PowerPoint presentation. But how about a time when it's just you and a couple of colleagues discussing next steps on a project? 

We'd love to hear how you incorporate some of these ideas into your day and what works for you. And, right now, step away from your desk and take a break! You'll be more productive for it!