If I Can Get a Word in Edgewise

I love reading advice columns and one of my favorite columnists is Carolyn Hax. This particular headline caught my attention.  The writer needed help setting boundaries with a friend who has a hard time with social cues, constantly interrupts and dominates conversations.  

Setting boundaries at work is more important than ever as workplaces have become relaxed and informal. In fact, we think that boundaries are so important, we talked about them in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook on page 176. Boundaries define limits -- where you end and the other person begins. They help to define and manage interpersonal relationships. Often times you can be dealing with a socially inept friend or coworker, but other times the offending individual may be crossing boundaries very deliberately. Either way, the behavior needs to be addressed. 

You may, like the writer seeking Hax’s advice, struggle with what to say when your boundaries are invaded. That's where The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book can help. On page 126 there are examples of things that you can say to send the right message. 

What about interrupting? Is it ever acceptable?  Of course there are, especially if you must get a word in edgewise. There will be times when you need to get a conversation back on track. Other times you need to ask for clarity. In either situation, interruptions should be delivered with grace and dignity. 

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month. We've collected some of the blogs we've written about conflict and incorporated them into an e-book, Managing Conflict at Work. You can download it from our website www.essentialworkplaceconflicthandbook.com. 

Namaste

“Imagine what impact this single word – Namaste – could have on the world if every day you looked each person that you passed in the eye and said in effect: I salute the Divine within you. I salute what you do best. I salute your natural gifts. I honor your uniqueness and your specialness.” Kevin Hall

This traditional Indian greeting is a gesture of respect, and respect is at the core of understanding diversity. Each of us possesses many unique characteristics that are often described as dimensions of diversity. They include obvious characteristics such as age, ethnicity, sex, mental or physical abilities, and race.  They also include other, not so obvious characteristics, such as education, military experience, religious beliefs, work experience, work and communication styles and, yes those special talents and gifts that we all possess.

At a time when we are experiencing so much divisiveness in our society, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all take the time to heed Kevin Hall’s advice and incorporate it into our daily routine. It may not be realistic to stop and say it out loud to everyone you pass - but take the time to mentally honor the uniqueness and special gifts of others, especially people who appear to be different from you. Listen to colleagues in meetings. Hear what they have to say. Don’t make assumptions about people around you. 

We’ve gathered a number of blogs we’ve written over the years into a new e-booklet entitled “Diversity & Discrimination”. You can find it at www.bigbookofhr.com. Feel free to download a copy. 

Namaste. 

Facts not Fiction

I sat there staring at the memo he handed me. Something about it, about him, didn’t seem right. His eyes were glancing out the window, avoiding me. “Brett, let me review this memo and her file. It’s getting late. We can talk tomorrow.”  He agreed and left. 

I immediately went to the file room to retrieve her file. This was before things were digital—we dealt with paper and hard copies. Strange, I thought. A copy of the memo, allegedly written two months earlier, wasn’t in her file. I looked at the basket of papers next to the file cabinet.  In it were papers waiting to be filed. It wasn’t that full—I looked through it—no memo.

I stuck my head out the door and summoned Cary, my assistant. “Are there any other papers, anywhere in the department, to be filed?”  He shook his head. “No ma’am. That’s it,” he said gesturing to the basket in my hand. 

“Okay, then.  And by the way,” I said setting the basket down and picking up the file, “I’ll have Trina Black’s file locked in my office overnight. 

When I met with Brett next morning I explained I had thoroughly searched but had not located a copy of the memo in the employee file. I was bracing for his reaction and not expecting the response I received. He sheepishly glanced down and said, “I know.”

“So if I understand correctly, Brett, this memo—a final warning—was written recently, even though it’s dated two months ago, and Trina never received it.”  He nodded yes. “You realize,” I continued, “we can’t act on this false document and terminate her at this time.”  Once again, he nodded yes. 

When I confronted Brett about the missing memo that morning I was expecting a conflict would result.  I imagined him arguing that we’d lost the memo, and that Trina was incompetent and had to be fired. Instead, confronted with facts—facts he couldn’t refute—he had no option but to agree with me. The lack of the memo being sent contemporaneously to the employee’s file implied that Brett had not followed protocol nor warned Trina, not giving her an opportunity to change. He ultimately admitted that to me.  

Workplace issues—differing opinions, poor employee behavior or performance—can quickly lead to conflict.  When you get to the underlying facts, conflicts or problems can be avoided or solved. Fact-finding is critical to problem solving and conflict.  We devoted a chapter to it, “What’s the Problem?” in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. 

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month—a good time to refresh and share your conflict management skills. And what better way to do that than to share copies of The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook with your team.  You can find it on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/y8qy4msz. After you’ve read it, could you consider putting an honest review on Amazon?  We’d be grateful and honored.  We also would love to help you spread the word on your podcasts or be interviewed for your blog. 

Is Managing a Popularity Contest?

Is it possible to be a respected manager and well-liked? Yes. I don’t think these two are mutually exclusive but if you must choose one, my suggestion is choose respect!

While it is human nature to want to be liked, sometimes being a successful manager means you need to make unpopular decisions.  You must be the adult in every situation that impacts your staff and your organization.

Managers have a clear role to play. You’ve been tasked with managing a staff in order to accomplish the work to meet your organization’s mission.  Managing people involves giving clear direction and setting expectations.  Frequently, this involves resolving conflicts and having difficult conversations which may not make you win any popularity contests.

If you are hesitating to take needed action because you are afraid your staff won’t like you any more, you really need to consider if you’re cut out to be a manager. Some people aren’t and do much better as individual contributors. But, if you want to succeed as a manager, focus on being the best manager you can even if that means you may not be always beloved by your staff.  

What you really want is your team to respect you as their leader because they know the actions you take are in the best interests of the organization and in the best interest for them as individuals.

Focus your attention on helping your staff members meet their goals. Set reasonable expectations and hold people accountable for their commitment.  This also means you need to keep your commitments so that your team knows they can count on you to support them in achieving their full potential.

If you build their trust, support them in their personal development, and reward them for their accomplishments, they will, most likely, respect you.  And, respect is something that you really, really want from your team. If you have their respect, whether they “like” you or not will not matter and you will be successful!