Is this Respectful?

Microaggressions, those prejudiced comments and actions that are indirect, subtle, or intentional forms of bias, are more common in the workplace today than you might imagine them to be. Often hard to recognize, they have a negative impact at work.  Microaggressions cross boundaries—physical, personal, and interpersonal boundaries. They can devalue other people, impact feelings of inclusion, and diminish employees’ contributions.  If they are lodged against people of color, women, individuals with disabilities, or other protected groups, they can be forms of discrimination, especially if they occur frequently. 

On a Sunday morning in September of 2019, I read a cartoon, a column, and an article in the newspaper that all illustrated microaggressions—situations where boundaries were crossed.

Dilbert was mocking a bunch of men who are weak, stupid, and can’t solve a problem while the women can. Is it sexist because only the men are weak—not the women? Of course it is. Discrimination on the basis of sex covers both men and women, and this crossed an interpersonal boundary.

The work advice column discussed repeated and frequent disparaging comments about age directed to an older worker by a younger one. This is another example of crossing an interpersonal boundary and is a potential violation of the Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967, especially if the behavior is persistent. 

Then there was the article was about workplace discrimination against natural hair—natural for African-Americans.  It cited allegations of job offers rescinded and terminations that occurred because of hair style—explicit discrimination. Subtle discrimination was also included—comments about natural hair being unprofessional and the microaggression of attempting to reach out and touch the hair of an African-American colleague. This crossed a physical boundary.

Another example from a different source illustrates a manager crossing a personal boundary.  She continually complained in staff meetings about her step-child’s medical needs. A staff member had a child with similar needs and was extremely uncomfortable with the manager’s comments.

What can individual employees do to contribute to a workplace of respect? 

• Be discreet and sensitive to others. Don’t assume that other people won’t be offended.
• Consider the impact of your behavior on others. 
• Respect privacy—yours and that of others. People have varying comfort levels about discussing certain topics.

What can organizations and managers do? 

• Raise the bar on acceptable workplace behavior and accept nothing less than respect and professionalism.  
• Acknowledge employees who treat each other with respect. 
• Talk about respect, civility, and your policies, with team members. 
• Encourage employees to speak up, and acknowledge them when they do. 
• Take concerns and complaints seriously, and have a neutral process to look into them. 
• Dispel any myths that anyone is exempt from your high behavior standards.

Don’t let microaggressions take your organization down a slippery slope toward a toxic workplace. It’s up to the leaders of the organization to take on the challenge of building and maintaining positive workplace cultures.  

Words Do Matter: Tips From The Manager’s Answer Book

We were at a museum recently which had a number of wartime planes on display. What struck me about one was its description. It included statements such as: She was built in [year]; she flew [x number] of missions; she was taken out of service in [year].  “Why,” I asked no one in particular, although my husband was standing nearby “are inanimate objects referred to as she?” I didn't really expect an explanation, but where did this practice come from?

Language is powerful and we talk about this in The Manager's Answer Book. On page 123, this question is posed: Knowing that words matter, do you have any guidelines on using the correct words and language to avoid offending anyone?  

Manager’s tip:  Part of the answer we offer:  Language is symbolic, meaning there is an arbitrary connection between the symbols (words and phrases) and what they refer to. Stated another way, different words and phrases can have different meanings to other people, depending on their perspectives and experiences. In today’s diverse workplaces, communication can be complex and challenging!  Paying attention to what you say and how you say it is an excelled way to build positive relationships at work. 

Remember to use neutral words, be wary of slang and jargon, and don't use labels when referring to other people. 

Avoiding Bad Conflict

We’re continuing the discussion we had with Elayne Fluker on her podcast, Support is Sexy, about conflict.   

Question:  We’ve been talking about a well-managed conflict. What about avoiding bad conflict?

Cornelia:  The most important thing to do to avoid conflict is to set expectations early – with employees, associates, and any other business partner.  Make sure the roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. With employees, make sure they know at the beginning of the employment relationship – this is what their job looks like and this is what you expect them to do to meet the responsibilities of their position. If you’re bringing in outside support, make sure everything they are expected to do is outlined and well defined.  

Question:  Should you have an agreement of some sort in writing.

Barbara: That goes to expectations. I like to have a conversation first and then put it in writing – you confirm what you talked about. For example, “As we agreed, this is what I’m going to do and this is what you’re going to do and this is our timeline.” You have clarity and can hold each other accountable. You’re not being legalistic, but if I’ve committed to something and I’m not going to get it done in time, I need to let the other person know – something’s happened – let’s renegotiate those deadlines.  If you have your expectations in writing you have something to refer to, especially if things are not going well.  You can point to it and say, “You agreed to do this and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.”

Cornelia:  I heard someone once say that she had gone through a contentious divorce and that you don’t think about setting a contract before you get married.  She was referring to working things out – who hadn’t kept up their part of the bargain.  She brought the concept into her business dealings, especially working with teams – insisting on setting ground rules and guidelines.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If you have guidelines or rules of engagement written down everyone can commit to them.

Question:  When it comes to addressing conflict, what do you see as some of the mistakes or common mistakes that people make?

Barbara: I think people often have trouble just articulating that this isn’t going well without getting emotional.  If you can keep emotions out of it and simply say, “This is what we agreed to and it’s not going the way we thought it was going to and we need to fix it,” you can address what’s wrong.  Another mistake is letting things go to long thinking it’ll get better – “I’ll give it another week.” Well, by a week later things could have exploded and it’s too late.  Catch things early, be aware of your emotions, and remind yourself this is business and we’ll deal with this in a business way and hopefully maintain a positive relationship.

Cornelia:  People sometimes become overly concerned about the relationship – wanting to avoid hurting someone’s feelings if they say something or do something. You can deliver a negative message in a positive way without it getting personal. Go back to the facts of what happened – keep it as a factual, business issue.

A Well Managed Conflict

We were interviewed for the podcast, Support is Sexy with Elayne Fluker.  We talked about entrepreneurship, and the conversation led to conflict management and resolution.  Here are some excerpts from that conversation. 

Question: You’ve written two books on conflict resolution. Can you share tips with managers and business owners on handling conflict within their businesses whether it’s with their employees or other business associates? 

Barbara: We discuss the positive nature of conflict in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. Conflict, if managed appropriately, can be a very creative process. It can bring ideas into the organization and get people thinking in different ways. You don’t always want to avoid conflict, unless it becomes destructive to the organization.  Well-managed conflict can be very positive in moving relationships and the organization along.

Question: What’s a way a well-managed conflict can move a relationship along?

Barbara: The key is listening to each other. Listening gets totally overlooked. People are prone to want to keep talking and get their ideas out. A well-managed conflict occurs when people put varying ideas out and the others listens without judgment and without trying to respond as quickly as possible. If you really listen to each other it may occur to you, “You know I never thought of it that way.” That revelation can then spark a very good discussion that may end up taking you and the situation in a totally different direction.  That’s one of the keys to maintaining good relationships. If you stop and say I’m going to hear what he or she is say and then use it without getting defensive or argumentative or judgmental, you can have some pretty amazing results. 

Question: How can we create an environment where people know that a well-managed conflict is something that’s encouraged.

Cornelia: Let your employees and business partners know you brought them into the relationship because you valued and want to hear their ideas. And show you really mean it.  In meetings, for example, say, “This is the idea we have,” and open the floor to other people who might offer a differing point of view or idea.  Then listen to what everyone else is saying – and give everybody the opportunity to state their opinions. 

Once all the ideas have been heard, start determining which are doable.  If you don’t think an idea is doable not right now, then let the person know, “It’s a good ideas but it’s going to take some resources we don’t have, so let’s table that for the future.” If you’re not able to act at all, let them know why. Opening the discussion to everybody and being able to implement some ideas will create an environment where people understand it’s fine to state your ideas. If it’s not going to work either now or in the future, people know they’ve been listened too and not shut down. When we talk about positive conflict people think it’s a contradiction, but positive conflict is recognizing that we all come to a decision or idea from a different point of view based on our background and experience. Everyone is open to other creative ideas. You may end up with a much better solution. 

Check back next week to read more excerpts from this discussion. 

Facts not Fiction

I sat there staring at the memo he handed me. Something about it, about him, didn’t seem right. His eyes were glancing out the window, avoiding me. “Brett, let me review this memo and her file. It’s getting late. We can talk tomorrow.”  He agreed and left. 

I immediately went to the file room to retrieve her file. This was before things were digital—we dealt with paper and hard copies. Strange, I thought. A copy of the memo, allegedly written two months earlier, wasn’t in her file. I looked at the basket of papers next to the file cabinet.  In it were papers waiting to be filed. It wasn’t that full—I looked through it—no memo.

I stuck my head out the door and summoned Cary, my assistant. “Are there any other papers, anywhere in the department, to be filed?”  He shook his head. “No ma’am. That’s it,” he said gesturing to the basket in my hand. 

“Okay, then.  And by the way,” I said setting the basket down and picking up the file, “I’ll have Trina Black’s file locked in my office overnight. 

When I met with Brett next morning I explained I had thoroughly searched but had not located a copy of the memo in the employee file. I was bracing for his reaction and not expecting the response I received. He sheepishly glanced down and said, “I know.”

“So if I understand correctly, Brett, this memo—a final warning—was written recently, even though it’s dated two months ago, and Trina never received it.”  He nodded yes. “You realize,” I continued, “we can’t act on this false document and terminate her at this time.”  Once again, he nodded yes. 

When I confronted Brett about the missing memo that morning I was expecting a conflict would result.  I imagined him arguing that we’d lost the memo, and that Trina was incompetent and had to be fired. Instead, confronted with facts—facts he couldn’t refute—he had no option but to agree with me. The lack of the memo being sent contemporaneously to the employee’s file implied that Brett had not followed protocol nor warned Trina, not giving her an opportunity to change. He ultimately admitted that to me.  

Workplace issues—differing opinions, poor employee behavior or performance—can quickly lead to conflict.  When you get to the underlying facts, conflicts or problems can be avoided or solved. Fact-finding is critical to problem solving and conflict.  We devoted a chapter to it, “What’s the Problem?” in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. 

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month—a good time to refresh and share your conflict management skills. And what better way to do that than to share copies of The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook with your team.  You can find it on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/y8qy4msz. After you’ve read it, could you consider putting an honest review on Amazon?  We’d be grateful and honored.  We also would love to help you spread the word on your podcasts or be interviewed for your blog. 

Is Managing a Popularity Contest?

Is it possible to be a respected manager and well-liked? Yes. I don’t think these two are mutually exclusive but if you must choose one, my suggestion is choose respect!

While it is human nature to want to be liked, sometimes being a successful manager means you need to make unpopular decisions.  You must be the adult in every situation that impacts your staff and your organization.

Managers have a clear role to play. You’ve been tasked with managing a staff in order to accomplish the work to meet your organization’s mission.  Managing people involves giving clear direction and setting expectations.  Frequently, this involves resolving conflicts and having difficult conversations which may not make you win any popularity contests.

If you are hesitating to take needed action because you are afraid your staff won’t like you any more, you really need to consider if you’re cut out to be a manager. Some people aren’t and do much better as individual contributors. But, if you want to succeed as a manager, focus on being the best manager you can even if that means you may not be always beloved by your staff.  

What you really want is your team to respect you as their leader because they know the actions you take are in the best interests of the organization and in the best interest for them as individuals.

Focus your attention on helping your staff members meet their goals. Set reasonable expectations and hold people accountable for their commitment.  This also means you need to keep your commitments so that your team knows they can count on you to support them in achieving their full potential.

If you build their trust, support them in their personal development, and reward them for their accomplishments, they will, most likely, respect you.  And, respect is something that you really, really want from your team. If you have their respect, whether they “like” you or not will not matter and you will be successful!