You Know What You Should Do

Not long after we wrote The Big Book of HR, we were speaking at an event and signing books.  During a lull in the activity, someone came and sat down next to us — uninvited — and starting chatting away.  “My father wrote a book,” she said and proceeded to tell us about it.  We weren’t paying much attention, not that we were rude, but potential book buyers approached and we turned our focus to them. 

When the conference attendees returned to their session, our new best friend remained behind, once again engaging us in a conversation. “You know what you should do?” she said before proceeding to give us unsolicited advice about book marketing — this from someone who never wrote nor marketed a book.  You Know What You Should Do has become a standard joke between Barbara and me. But kidding aside, we are both always sensitive to offering advice to others — solicited or unsolicited.  And when we do, we frame it in positive terms and phrases: “You might consider” or “Have you ever thought of..” or “Something that might work is...”

I heard an interesting quote recently that says it all and has such wide application today — in business and in politics. “The world is changed by your example not by your opinion,” Paul Coelho. People are so quick to voice their opinions without stopping to think if anyone is interested, if they are relevant or if they add value.

Managers can take a valuable lesson from this and apply it to their interactions with team members and others in their organization. Remember that in your role as a manager, all eyes are on you. How you present yourself, how you communicate, how you act, all reflect on the type of leader and person you are — and you will want to reflect on those traits that project confidence, credibility and integrity.

For more insights on leading by example, you know what you should do?  Check out Section 4 of The Manager’s Answer Book. Seriously, if you don’t already have a copy, we’d be so honored and thankful if you’d pick one up.  And if you do have the book, we’re confident that you’ll find thought provoking ideas in that section and others.

Not My Problem!

I thought she was going to pound her fist through the wall – she was so angry.  I understood why she was mad and her need to vent, but the problem was not going to get resolved by her telling me, rather than her boss’s colleague.

“I agree,” I said.  “He shouldn’t have asked you to take the meeting notes. Did you ask him why someone from his own staff didn’t take them?”

“No,” she answered. “He said since I’m good with a computer, I’d be a good note taker. It was a complete waste of my day – and now I’m behind on a project. Doesn’t he know it’s not what I’m paid to do?”

Courtney was a co-worker, although we worked in different departments.  She was a talented and creative professional who was hired to work on strategic initiatives.  She’d made highly innovative changes to processes and work flows.  I agreed it was a waste of her time and corporate resources to be taking meeting notes. 

“His comment doesn’t make any sense. Did you say anything to your boss about it?”

“I told Howie right after Jake asked me to take notes, but you know everyone’s afraid to speak up to him because he’s so tight with our vice president. Howie doesn’t want to rock the boat.”

Just then Howie walked in. “Did you ask her yet?” he said.

I turned to him. “Ask me what?” 

They both were looking at me sheepishly. “Well,” said Courtney, “We thought that since Jake listens to you, you could say something – tell him how inappropriate his request was.” 

“I don’t have a stake in this disagreement,” I responded. “One of you needs to talk to him and tell him why he was out of line to ask Courtney and not his own staff member to take the meeting notes.” 

What to do when someone tries to pull you into their conflict? Be flattered because they think you have influence? No.  In this case, Courtney and Howie both needed to learn to confront their own conflicts and find their own words to do it. 

Have you or your team members ever had problems disengaging from someone else’s conflict? Have you ever been reluctant to speak up or unable to find the right words?  We have a resource to help: The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book, which you can find on Amazon at https://tinyurl.com/ycktzyz9. It’s filled with phrases that can help you find your own words. And you may want to share copies with your team. What better time to sharpen your conflict management skills than in April – Workplace Conflict Awareness Month.  After you’ve read it, we’d be grateful and honored if you’d write a review on Amazon.  After all, workplace conflict occurs all year long – not just in April.

If I Can Get a Word in Edgewise

I love reading advice columns and one of my favorite columnists is Carolyn Hax. This particular headline caught my attention.  The writer needed help setting boundaries with a friend who has a hard time with social cues, constantly interrupts and dominates conversations.  

Setting boundaries at work is more important than ever as workplaces have become relaxed and informal. In fact, we think that boundaries are so important, we talked about them in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook on page 176. Boundaries define limits -- where you end and the other person begins. They help to define and manage interpersonal relationships. Often times you can be dealing with a socially inept friend or coworker, but other times the offending individual may be crossing boundaries very deliberately. Either way, the behavior needs to be addressed. 

You may, like the writer seeking Hax’s advice, struggle with what to say when your boundaries are invaded. That's where The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book can help. On page 126 there are examples of things that you can say to send the right message. 

What about interrupting? Is it ever acceptable?  Of course there are, especially if you must get a word in edgewise. There will be times when you need to get a conversation back on track. Other times you need to ask for clarity. In either situation, interruptions should be delivered with grace and dignity. 

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month. We've collected some of the blogs we've written about conflict and incorporated them into an e-book, Managing Conflict at Work. You can download it from our website www.essentialworkplaceconflicthandbook.com.