The Real or Perceived Problem?

Shortly after The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook was published, Barbara and I were part of a panel discussion.  One of the panelists asked the audience if they thought it was the real problem or the perceived problem that was important. Her opinion: it was the perceived problem that mattered most. It was all we could do to not interrupt and were relieved when an audience member challenged her.

I thought of this recently when I was helping a company with an employee complaint. One of the senior leaders had insightful thoughts about the situation. He explained that the organization was undergoing many changes—changes to process and systems. This was leaving the door open for what he termed a plethora of perception. As hard as they tried to present information about the changes to the workforce—to present the reality—the leadership team was constantly checking in on what everyone’s perception of the situation was. But in the end, he said, you can’t undo perception. 

That’s so true, and perception often intersects with conflict. It doesn’t mean, however, that perception overrules real facts. We use an example in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook about a restaurant owner responding to a customer’s complaint and drawing a conclusion about which staff member was at fault. He didn’t bother to get all the facts, and his conclusion was wrong. During this period of dealing with COVID-19, we are all likely hearing comments and opinions about other people’s actions. Here’s an example I read in the paper, a comment made about an observation in the grocery store. Is the woman buying face cream buying something that is really essential? My response: Maybe it is. You don’t have all the information. So don’t be quick to judge or form conclusions, especially in the workplace, and especially if you’re judging or drawing conclusions about co-workers. Remember, too, if you take action based on a conclusion that is not accurate, you are accountable for those actions you take.

Getting all the facts helps us to understand the problem we’re trying to solve or the conflict we are trying to resolve. Perceived facts are often rooted in assumptions and perceptions. Absent having all (or any of) the facts, assumptions are made and erroneous conclusions result. That’s why it’s critical to question, probe, and clarify—to get to the real problem.

Cornelia Gamlem

Avoiding Bad Conflict

We’re continuing the discussion we had with Elayne Fluker on her podcast, Support is Sexy, about conflict.   

Question:  We’ve been talking about a well-managed conflict. What about avoiding bad conflict?

Cornelia:  The most important thing to do to avoid conflict is to set expectations early – with employees, associates, and any other business partner.  Make sure the roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. With employees, make sure they know at the beginning of the employment relationship – this is what their job looks like and this is what you expect them to do to meet the responsibilities of their position. If you’re bringing in outside support, make sure everything they are expected to do is outlined and well defined.  

Question:  Should you have an agreement of some sort in writing.

Barbara: That goes to expectations. I like to have a conversation first and then put it in writing – you confirm what you talked about. For example, “As we agreed, this is what I’m going to do and this is what you’re going to do and this is our timeline.” You have clarity and can hold each other accountable. You’re not being legalistic, but if I’ve committed to something and I’m not going to get it done in time, I need to let the other person know – something’s happened – let’s renegotiate those deadlines.  If you have your expectations in writing you have something to refer to, especially if things are not going well.  You can point to it and say, “You agreed to do this and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.”

Cornelia:  I heard someone once say that she had gone through a contentious divorce and that you don’t think about setting a contract before you get married.  She was referring to working things out – who hadn’t kept up their part of the bargain.  She brought the concept into her business dealings, especially working with teams – insisting on setting ground rules and guidelines.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If you have guidelines or rules of engagement written down everyone can commit to them.

Question:  When it comes to addressing conflict, what do you see as some of the mistakes or common mistakes that people make?

Barbara: I think people often have trouble just articulating that this isn’t going well without getting emotional.  If you can keep emotions out of it and simply say, “This is what we agreed to and it’s not going the way we thought it was going to and we need to fix it,” you can address what’s wrong.  Another mistake is letting things go to long thinking it’ll get better – “I’ll give it another week.” Well, by a week later things could have exploded and it’s too late.  Catch things early, be aware of your emotions, and remind yourself this is business and we’ll deal with this in a business way and hopefully maintain a positive relationship.

Cornelia:  People sometimes become overly concerned about the relationship – wanting to avoid hurting someone’s feelings if they say something or do something. You can deliver a negative message in a positive way without it getting personal. Go back to the facts of what happened – keep it as a factual, business issue.

A Well Managed Conflict

We were interviewed for the podcast, Support is Sexy with Elayne Fluker.  We talked about entrepreneurship, and the conversation led to conflict management and resolution.  Here are some excerpts from that conversation. 

Question: You’ve written two books on conflict resolution. Can you share tips with managers and business owners on handling conflict within their businesses whether it’s with their employees or other business associates? 

Barbara: We discuss the positive nature of conflict in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. Conflict, if managed appropriately, can be a very creative process. It can bring ideas into the organization and get people thinking in different ways. You don’t always want to avoid conflict, unless it becomes destructive to the organization.  Well-managed conflict can be very positive in moving relationships and the organization along.

Question: What’s a way a well-managed conflict can move a relationship along?

Barbara: The key is listening to each other. Listening gets totally overlooked. People are prone to want to keep talking and get their ideas out. A well-managed conflict occurs when people put varying ideas out and the others listens without judgment and without trying to respond as quickly as possible. If you really listen to each other it may occur to you, “You know I never thought of it that way.” That revelation can then spark a very good discussion that may end up taking you and the situation in a totally different direction.  That’s one of the keys to maintaining good relationships. If you stop and say I’m going to hear what he or she is say and then use it without getting defensive or argumentative or judgmental, you can have some pretty amazing results. 

Question: How can we create an environment where people know that a well-managed conflict is something that’s encouraged.

Cornelia: Let your employees and business partners know you brought them into the relationship because you valued and want to hear their ideas. And show you really mean it.  In meetings, for example, say, “This is the idea we have,” and open the floor to other people who might offer a differing point of view or idea.  Then listen to what everyone else is saying – and give everybody the opportunity to state their opinions. 

Once all the ideas have been heard, start determining which are doable.  If you don’t think an idea is doable not right now, then let the person know, “It’s a good ideas but it’s going to take some resources we don’t have, so let’s table that for the future.” If you’re not able to act at all, let them know why. Opening the discussion to everybody and being able to implement some ideas will create an environment where people understand it’s fine to state your ideas. If it’s not going to work either now or in the future, people know they’ve been listened too and not shut down. When we talk about positive conflict people think it’s a contradiction, but positive conflict is recognizing that we all come to a decision or idea from a different point of view based on our background and experience. Everyone is open to other creative ideas. You may end up with a much better solution. 

Check back next week to read more excerpts from this discussion. 

Facts not Fiction

I sat there staring at the memo he handed me. Something about it, about him, didn’t seem right. His eyes were glancing out the window, avoiding me. “Brett, let me review this memo and her file. It’s getting late. We can talk tomorrow.”  He agreed and left. 

I immediately went to the file room to retrieve her file. This was before things were digital—we dealt with paper and hard copies. Strange, I thought. A copy of the memo, allegedly written two months earlier, wasn’t in her file. I looked at the basket of papers next to the file cabinet.  In it were papers waiting to be filed. It wasn’t that full—I looked through it—no memo.

I stuck my head out the door and summoned Cary, my assistant. “Are there any other papers, anywhere in the department, to be filed?”  He shook his head. “No ma’am. That’s it,” he said gesturing to the basket in my hand. 

“Okay, then.  And by the way,” I said setting the basket down and picking up the file, “I’ll have Trina Black’s file locked in my office overnight. 

When I met with Brett next morning I explained I had thoroughly searched but had not located a copy of the memo in the employee file. I was bracing for his reaction and not expecting the response I received. He sheepishly glanced down and said, “I know.”

“So if I understand correctly, Brett, this memo—a final warning—was written recently, even though it’s dated two months ago, and Trina never received it.”  He nodded yes. “You realize,” I continued, “we can’t act on this false document and terminate her at this time.”  Once again, he nodded yes. 

When I confronted Brett about the missing memo that morning I was expecting a conflict would result.  I imagined him arguing that we’d lost the memo, and that Trina was incompetent and had to be fired. Instead, confronted with facts—facts he couldn’t refute—he had no option but to agree with me. The lack of the memo being sent contemporaneously to the employee’s file implied that Brett had not followed protocol nor warned Trina, not giving her an opportunity to change. He ultimately admitted that to me.  

Workplace issues—differing opinions, poor employee behavior or performance—can quickly lead to conflict.  When you get to the underlying facts, conflicts or problems can be avoided or solved. Fact-finding is critical to problem solving and conflict.  We devoted a chapter to it, “What’s the Problem?” in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. 

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month—a good time to refresh and share your conflict management skills. And what better way to do that than to share copies of The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook with your team.  You can find it on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/y8qy4msz. After you’ve read it, could you consider putting an honest review on Amazon?  We’d be grateful and honored.  We also would love to help you spread the word on your podcasts or be interviewed for your blog. 

Is Managing a Popularity Contest?

Is it possible to be a respected manager and well-liked? Yes. I don’t think these two are mutually exclusive but if you must choose one, my suggestion is choose respect!

While it is human nature to want to be liked, sometimes being a successful manager means you need to make unpopular decisions.  You must be the adult in every situation that impacts your staff and your organization.

Managers have a clear role to play. You’ve been tasked with managing a staff in order to accomplish the work to meet your organization’s mission.  Managing people involves giving clear direction and setting expectations.  Frequently, this involves resolving conflicts and having difficult conversations which may not make you win any popularity contests.

If you are hesitating to take needed action because you are afraid your staff won’t like you any more, you really need to consider if you’re cut out to be a manager. Some people aren’t and do much better as individual contributors. But, if you want to succeed as a manager, focus on being the best manager you can even if that means you may not be always beloved by your staff.  

What you really want is your team to respect you as their leader because they know the actions you take are in the best interests of the organization and in the best interest for them as individuals.

Focus your attention on helping your staff members meet their goals. Set reasonable expectations and hold people accountable for their commitment.  This also means you need to keep your commitments so that your team knows they can count on you to support them in achieving their full potential.

If you build their trust, support them in their personal development, and reward them for their accomplishments, they will, most likely, respect you.  And, respect is something that you really, really want from your team. If you have their respect, whether they “like” you or not will not matter and you will be successful!