The Cost of Conflict

 

So many people avoid conflict, especially at work. That’s a problem especially if the leaders are conflict adverse. Let’s take a quantitative approach of what conflict costs an organization if you address it versus ignore it. Compare the two then decide what’s best for your organization. 

Addressing conflict has associated costs. Consider the situation where a manager observes two team members openly in conflict over some issue and recognizes her need to address it, preferably by sitting them both down and having a facilitated discussion. Calculate those costs: 1) the number of hours the manager spends preparing and holding the discussion times her hourly rate; and 2) the number of hours spent by the individuals in discussion times their hourly rates. This is the simplest approach, and it should be the most cost effective.

If an employee brings a formal, internal complaint, the complexity and costs increase. Someone (internal or external) investigates. It involves time gathering and reviewing background information, determining which individuals to interview, conducting those interviews, and preparing investigation reports. Estimate the amount of time the investigator spends (background, interviews, report) and multiply the estimated hours by his hourly rate. Then add the time spent by interviewees times their hourly rates. There may also be costs associated with legal advisors, depending on the nature of the complaint. 

If external charges are filed, charges of discrimination, for example, this is an indicator that the conflict may not have been acknowledged internally. The cost of responding to an external charge may be similar to internal investigations (fact gathering, interviews, responses).  However, legal counsel will likely be involved, and legal fees will accrue increasing the costs. If a lawsuit is filed, outside counsel’s legal fees will dominate. Needless to say, as the conflict moves further from the root cause, the costs will grow exponentially.

Now consider a situation where there is a conflict that is not brought to anyone’s attention, or perhaps it was, but was not addressed. Are you aware of how many people leave your organization because they have “suffered in silence” until reaching the point where they decide to leave?  The associated costs include lost productivity (can you calculate the extent?) and turnover (which you should be tracking). 

If a work environment is allowed to grow toxic, and the cause of the toxicity is ignored, consider the costs of low morale, lost productivity and extensive turnover.

So, what’s an organization to do if they want to minimize the costs of conflict?

• Foster an environment where differences and problems are addressed. For example, the two team members who can bring their conflict to the manager.
• Train managers how to spot issues so they don’t escalate.
• Empower employees to confront conflict in a positive way, and support them when they bring the conflict forward. 
• Hold all employees to the same standards.
• Invest in training for managers and employees. Compare the training costs with the cost associated with conflict outlined above. Consider which approach brings your organization a larger return on its investment.

You can read more about conflict in our books, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. To learn more, visit our website at https://www.bigbookofhr.com/the-conflict-books

What’s a Manager’s Role in Conflict?

It is Conflict Awareness Month, and you may be seeing a lot of articles and posts about ways to manage conflict in the workplace. One of the parts of conflict that is frequently overlooked is the role managers play in conflict between their team members. Should a manager jump in and try to resolve conflict or not?  

Managers often find themselves trapped in the middle of a situation, a situation or issue that is not theirs to solve. What’s a manager to do?  A manager doesn’t necessarily own every issue – the employees do. Here are five tips to help managers understand their role in and the best approach for dealing with workplace conflict:

• Know when and how to intervene. Different circumstances call for different responses. If one employee’s lack of performance is preventing other employees from getting their jobs done, the manager has a direct role to play. He must address performance deficiencies of that team member. If an employee is struggling because of issues outside the workplace, then expert help, such as an employee assistance program, should be suggested.

• Give your employees the space to grow. Employees need the freedom and authority to solve problems that relate to their work. Help them to learn conflict management techniques and develop problem-solving skills. As a manager, take advantage of this training yourself and model the techniques and skills you learn. Think of the positive impact for your organization when your workforce is skilled in avoiding the negative impact of unresolved conflict. 

• Recognize that tension, egos, and emotions often get in the way. Managers have an interest in developing good working relationships among team members. You should define the problem and the impact it’s having in the workplace. Don’t discount the impact of emotions. Sometimes they are the person’s passion around an issue. Help employees control and balance emotions so they don’t interfere with resolution.  

• Strengthen your own facilitation skills. You are often a neutral observer to a conflict. This is a great vantage point from which you can assist by guiding employees through a mediated discussion. Meet with employees, define roles, and set ground rules. The employees are the primary players, not you. They will be asking questions of each other and proposing solutions. You won’t offer advice, opinions or solutions, even if asked. You’re there to keep the discussion on track.

• Optimize conflict – it’s often creativity and innovation trying to happen. Employees close to the work often have great ideas for better solutions. Help them brainstorm, evaluate and priorities these ideas. When people sit down and talk, calmly and rationally, great information and viewpoints are exchanged. Working relationships are strengthened. Embrace the point of view that conflict is essential in the workplace if it’s part of a creative and engaged culture that wants the organization to grow and thrive. 

To learn more about our books on conflict management, visit our website at https://www.bigbookofhr.com/the-conflict-books

Without Trust, Conflict

 We know that conflict is a necessary ingredient in a good story, but how about at work? Well, if it’s managed and positive, conflict can lead to innovation and creativity resulting in business growth and success. Mean-spirited conflict, on the other hand, is great in a mystery, but at work it can erode trust and derail relationships quickly. 

Every good story has heroes or heroines and villains. They exist in real life and in real organizations. Consider a senior leader described as follows: Always confrontational whenever you ask a question or bring something to their attention. Doesn’t listen and talks over you. Speaks to others in a tone that is scolding and confrontational. Dismissive of others concerns. Doesn’t communicate in a respectful manner. Micromanages people’s time and schedules.

The challenge in this situation comes when others in the organization who interact with this leader say:

• I avoid interaction and find a workaround.
• I cringe when I have to ask something or bring up a situation. 
• Too many negative encounters – my trust is eroded.
• Behavior that doesn’t model our values.
• Recurring behavior that is creating a negative, unproductive work environment.
• I avoid conflict but the behavior has to stop. 

Sounds like it’s time for some respectful confrontation which should come from the leader’s boss since the comments about this leader’s behavior is widespread.  Some points the boss might make are:

• You’re in a visible and valuable position in this organization, but your behavior towards your colleagues is eroding their trust in your abilities and in the organization. Let me give you some examples of the feedback I’ve received. 
• We strive for a collaborative, respectful culture and work environment in the organization. However, your interactions with many staff members have resulted in expressions of poor morale and concerns about the work environment growing toxic. Here are examples of what I’ve heard. 

This gives the boss the opportunity to point out the behavior and the impact it’s having on others individually and on the entire organization. It also opens the conversation to talk about steps for improvement.

The next thing the head of this organization should do, along with modeling respectful behavior, is empower the employees to respond to negative behavior in a respectful and positive way. Examples of things they can say when encountering or observing negative behavior by anyone include:

• Please don’t be dismissive toward others in your comments.
• Talk like that is disingenuous and doesn’t support the values of the organization.
• This goes against who we are as an organization. I can’t accept this type of behavior at work.

Finally, the organization must support and recognize employees when they confront or report negative behavior. Employees have to trust that everyone is accountable and held to the same standards. 

To learn more about our conflict books, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book visit our website at https://www.bigbookofhr.com/the-conflict-books.

The Real or Perceived Problem?

Shortly after The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook was published, Barbara and I were part of a panel discussion.  One of the panelists asked the audience if they thought it was the real problem or the perceived problem that was important. Her opinion: it was the perceived problem that mattered most. It was all we could do to not interrupt and were relieved when an audience member challenged her.

I thought of this recently when I was helping a company with an employee complaint. One of the senior leaders had insightful thoughts about the situation. He explained that the organization was undergoing many changes—changes to process and systems. This was leaving the door open for what he termed a plethora of perception. As hard as they tried to present information about the changes to the workforce—to present the reality—the leadership team was constantly checking in on what everyone’s perception of the situation was. But in the end, he said, you can’t undo perception. 

That’s so true, and perception often intersects with conflict. It doesn’t mean, however, that perception overrules real facts. We use an example in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook about a restaurant owner responding to a customer’s complaint and drawing a conclusion about which staff member was at fault. He didn’t bother to get all the facts, and his conclusion was wrong. During this period of dealing with COVID-19, we are all likely hearing comments and opinions about other people’s actions. Here’s an example I read in the paper, a comment made about an observation in the grocery store. Is the woman buying face cream buying something that is really essential? My response: Maybe it is. You don’t have all the information. So don’t be quick to judge or form conclusions, especially in the workplace, and especially if you’re judging or drawing conclusions about co-workers. Remember, too, if you take action based on a conclusion that is not accurate, you are accountable for those actions you take.

Getting all the facts helps us to understand the problem we’re trying to solve or the conflict we are trying to resolve. Perceived facts are often rooted in assumptions and perceptions. Absent having all (or any of) the facts, assumptions are made and erroneous conclusions result. That’s why it’s critical to question, probe, and clarify—to get to the real problem.

Cornelia Gamlem

No April Fools Here

“Did you ask them, Jason, if they know why they have two ears and one mouth? It’s because they’re supposed to spend more time listening than talking,” said Ellen Cooper.

Jason Edison was delighting the networking group with a tale about intervening with a client who had two teams that couldn’t communicate with each other.  So they decided to form a committee of four people, two from each team, to try to solve the problem. Things went downhill from there. When Jason joined the committee’s first meeting, everyone was talking over each other and him. 

“First I had to whistle to get their attention. Then explain I’m a coach, not a referee,” he said. “Once I got control, I laid down some ground rules. No interruptions, especially when someone’s talking. Respect all viewpoints. Listen with an open mind.”

That’s the thing about conflict.  Often the people involved get embroiled in their emotions.  They don’t see issues clearly.  That’s where a third-party facilitator can move the conversation forward.  And Jason is a terrific facilitator, so I asked him what happened next. 

“I had each team appoint a spokesperson, then gave the first one a chance to state her team’s concern. Then I asked the other team’s spokesperson, ‘What did you hear her say?’ This allowed the receiver to summarize what was said from his viewpoint and gave the initial speaker the opportunity to confirm or clarify what she said.  Then, I reversed the process and the second spokesperson stated his team’s concern followed by summary and clarification. Before long we had a list of issues written down.”

“Now what?” said Ellen. “How are you going to resolve their concerns, Jason?”

“That’s the thing, I’m not. It’s their problem to solve. Someone said he liked the ground rules I set and asked if they’d work if both teams were brought together.”

“Sounds like they want to brainstorm, Jason,” I said.

“Exactly,” he said, explaining that the committee members will take the list of issues back to their respective teams. Once the teams review them, the committee will convene a meeting of both teams, communicating ground rules in advance and asking for agreement. 

• No interruptions.  
• Everyone should contribute an option to resolve the conflict, and all options are encouraged.
• Listen with an open mind. No criticizing.
• All options are written down. Nothing is discounted or ignored.
• Options will be evaluated at a separate meeting.

“The committee members asked me to facilitate the brainstorming session, which I agreed to do, provided everyone agreed to the ground rules. If all goes well, I’ll also facilitate the second meeting when they evaluate options. I’ll let you know what happens next month.” 

This discussion reminded the group of essential elements of managing conflict.  The parties involved 1) have to own it and have to solve the problem; 2) should create multiple options for resolution is important; and 3) separate the process of creating options and evaluating them. It was really timely, too, since April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month.

Maryanne Robertson 

P. S. Who is Maryanne Robertson and why is she writing this post? If you missed our January newsletter, you can find out more about Maryanne at

http://makingpeoplematter.blogspot.com/2020/01/meet-maryanne-robertson.html.

Inspiring Confidence

A local business owner shared an interesting experience with me recently. She received an inquiry through her company’s website. Would she be interested in a certain niche service for her business? Her interest was piqued enough to want additional information and she thought a phone call would be helpful.  So, she conferred with her business partner and then responded to the email suggesting a phone call with the individual who contacted her.

Now you know how difficult it is to coordinate a call among three people. Here’s what happened next:  After numerous emails among the three, a call was finally arranged with Billy, the business developer who’d sent the inquiry. The next day, Billy sent an email advising that the call would be with Justin, the founder, because Justin took all new business development calls. Strange, but okay thought the partners.  Justin tried to join a call on Tuesday, but the call was scheduled for Friday because Tuesday didn’t work for the partners. Justin wasn’t available on Friday, the day arranged by Billy.  Confused yet? They sure were. They asked Justin to provide available days and times for a call.  He took two weeks to respond.  

There’s an old saying — too many cooks spoil the broth. Justin sure spoiled a potential business opportunity for his firm for a number of reasons:

• Lack of clear communication — when would the call take place,
• Lack of clear expectations — with whom would the call take place; and
• Lack of trust, at least that’s what the partners perceived — didn’t he trust Billy to take an initial call with potential clients?

At this point, the partners had pretty much written off Justin and his firm. They were questioning if things were this difficult to get a simple call arranged, what would they encounter if they proceeded with a business arrangement? Simply stated, Justin hadn’t inspired confidence in himself or his firm.

Confidence, like trust, isn’t an event. It’s a process. Confidence and trust are something you build over time — with your employees, with your clients and customers and with your stakeholders.  Set expectations in the beginning of the business relationship and reinforce them. Have clear processes and communicate those processes early to everyone affected by them. You want your employees and your customers to be emotionally engaged in a positive way.  The emotional engagement the partners in this story experienced was confusion.  Justin’s going to have to work hard to change that.

Avoiding Bad Conflict

We’re continuing the discussion we had with Elayne Fluker on her podcast, Support is Sexy, about conflict.   

Question:  We’ve been talking about a well-managed conflict. What about avoiding bad conflict?

Cornelia:  The most important thing to do to avoid conflict is to set expectations early – with employees, associates, and any other business partner.  Make sure the roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. With employees, make sure they know at the beginning of the employment relationship – this is what their job looks like and this is what you expect them to do to meet the responsibilities of their position. If you’re bringing in outside support, make sure everything they are expected to do is outlined and well defined.  

Question:  Should you have an agreement of some sort in writing.

Barbara: That goes to expectations. I like to have a conversation first and then put it in writing – you confirm what you talked about. For example, “As we agreed, this is what I’m going to do and this is what you’re going to do and this is our timeline.” You have clarity and can hold each other accountable. You’re not being legalistic, but if I’ve committed to something and I’m not going to get it done in time, I need to let the other person know – something’s happened – let’s renegotiate those deadlines.  If you have your expectations in writing you have something to refer to, especially if things are not going well.  You can point to it and say, “You agreed to do this and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.”

Cornelia:  I heard someone once say that she had gone through a contentious divorce and that you don’t think about setting a contract before you get married.  She was referring to working things out – who hadn’t kept up their part of the bargain.  She brought the concept into her business dealings, especially working with teams – insisting on setting ground rules and guidelines.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If you have guidelines or rules of engagement written down everyone can commit to them.

Question:  When it comes to addressing conflict, what do you see as some of the mistakes or common mistakes that people make?

Barbara: I think people often have trouble just articulating that this isn’t going well without getting emotional.  If you can keep emotions out of it and simply say, “This is what we agreed to and it’s not going the way we thought it was going to and we need to fix it,” you can address what’s wrong.  Another mistake is letting things go to long thinking it’ll get better – “I’ll give it another week.” Well, by a week later things could have exploded and it’s too late.  Catch things early, be aware of your emotions, and remind yourself this is business and we’ll deal with this in a business way and hopefully maintain a positive relationship.

Cornelia:  People sometimes become overly concerned about the relationship – wanting to avoid hurting someone’s feelings if they say something or do something. You can deliver a negative message in a positive way without it getting personal. Go back to the facts of what happened – keep it as a factual, business issue.

A Well Managed Conflict

We were interviewed for the podcast, Support is Sexy with Elayne Fluker.  We talked about entrepreneurship, and the conversation led to conflict management and resolution.  Here are some excerpts from that conversation. 

Question: You’ve written two books on conflict resolution. Can you share tips with managers and business owners on handling conflict within their businesses whether it’s with their employees or other business associates? 

Barbara: We discuss the positive nature of conflict in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. Conflict, if managed appropriately, can be a very creative process. It can bring ideas into the organization and get people thinking in different ways. You don’t always want to avoid conflict, unless it becomes destructive to the organization.  Well-managed conflict can be very positive in moving relationships and the organization along.

Question: What’s a way a well-managed conflict can move a relationship along?

Barbara: The key is listening to each other. Listening gets totally overlooked. People are prone to want to keep talking and get their ideas out. A well-managed conflict occurs when people put varying ideas out and the others listens without judgment and without trying to respond as quickly as possible. If you really listen to each other it may occur to you, “You know I never thought of it that way.” That revelation can then spark a very good discussion that may end up taking you and the situation in a totally different direction.  That’s one of the keys to maintaining good relationships. If you stop and say I’m going to hear what he or she is say and then use it without getting defensive or argumentative or judgmental, you can have some pretty amazing results. 

Question: How can we create an environment where people know that a well-managed conflict is something that’s encouraged.

Cornelia: Let your employees and business partners know you brought them into the relationship because you valued and want to hear their ideas. And show you really mean it.  In meetings, for example, say, “This is the idea we have,” and open the floor to other people who might offer a differing point of view or idea.  Then listen to what everyone else is saying – and give everybody the opportunity to state their opinions. 

Once all the ideas have been heard, start determining which are doable.  If you don’t think an idea is doable not right now, then let the person know, “It’s a good ideas but it’s going to take some resources we don’t have, so let’s table that for the future.” If you’re not able to act at all, let them know why. Opening the discussion to everybody and being able to implement some ideas will create an environment where people understand it’s fine to state your ideas. If it’s not going to work either now or in the future, people know they’ve been listened too and not shut down. When we talk about positive conflict people think it’s a contradiction, but positive conflict is recognizing that we all come to a decision or idea from a different point of view based on our background and experience. Everyone is open to other creative ideas. You may end up with a much better solution. 

Check back next week to read more excerpts from this discussion. 

Not My Problem!

I thought she was going to pound her fist through the wall – she was so angry.  I understood why she was mad and her need to vent, but the problem was not going to get resolved by her telling me, rather than her boss’s colleague.

“I agree,” I said.  “He shouldn’t have asked you to take the meeting notes. Did you ask him why someone from his own staff didn’t take them?”

“No,” she answered. “He said since I’m good with a computer, I’d be a good note taker. It was a complete waste of my day – and now I’m behind on a project. Doesn’t he know it’s not what I’m paid to do?”

Courtney was a co-worker, although we worked in different departments.  She was a talented and creative professional who was hired to work on strategic initiatives.  She’d made highly innovative changes to processes and work flows.  I agreed it was a waste of her time and corporate resources to be taking meeting notes. 

“His comment doesn’t make any sense. Did you say anything to your boss about it?”

“I told Howie right after Jake asked me to take notes, but you know everyone’s afraid to speak up to him because he’s so tight with our vice president. Howie doesn’t want to rock the boat.”

Just then Howie walked in. “Did you ask her yet?” he said.

I turned to him. “Ask me what?” 

They both were looking at me sheepishly. “Well,” said Courtney, “We thought that since Jake listens to you, you could say something – tell him how inappropriate his request was.” 

“I don’t have a stake in this disagreement,” I responded. “One of you needs to talk to him and tell him why he was out of line to ask Courtney and not his own staff member to take the meeting notes.” 

What to do when someone tries to pull you into their conflict? Be flattered because they think you have influence? No.  In this case, Courtney and Howie both needed to learn to confront their own conflicts and find their own words to do it. 

Have you or your team members ever had problems disengaging from someone else’s conflict? Have you ever been reluctant to speak up or unable to find the right words?  We have a resource to help: The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book, which you can find on Amazon at https://tinyurl.com/ycktzyz9. It’s filled with phrases that can help you find your own words. And you may want to share copies with your team. What better time to sharpen your conflict management skills than in April – Workplace Conflict Awareness Month.  After you’ve read it, we’d be grateful and honored if you’d write a review on Amazon.  After all, workplace conflict occurs all year long – not just in April.

Are You Listening?

Has this ever happened to you? You think you’re having a conversation with a colleague and realize they aren’t paying a bit of attention to you—they have something they want to talk about and it really doesn’t matter what you say because they’re not listening to you?

This happened to me recently and it reminded me what a critical skill listening is and how few of us really are good at it.  Think about all the time you spent in school learning how to read and write—but, did you ever have a class in how to listen?  Probably not, and I think that’s a mistake!

We think it is such an important skill that we devoted an entire chapter in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, to listening. Here’s an excerpt from that chapter, “Listen Up!”

“Listening is not waiting for your turn to talk, but it appears that is how most of us listen—while the other person is talking, all we’re doing is thinking about what we are going to say next—and, because we aren’t hearing what is being said, the odds are that our response doesn’t move the communication process forward.

Listening well is essential for workplace success. The US Department of Labor estimates that of the total time we spend in communication, 22 percent is devoted to reading and writing, 23 percent is devoted to speaking and—55 percent is to listening.”

You can become a better listener if you try using an effective technique—active listening. Try the following to improve your skills:

• Listen to learn—be interested in what the other person is saying and show it.
• Seek understanding—listen to the words and ask questions to clarify what you hear.
• Pay attention to non-verbal cues—watch body language and tone of voice.

We offer a lot more about listening in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook which is available on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/y8qy4msz, at Barnes & Noble, or at your local bookstore. Celebrate Workplace Conflict Awareness Month this April by improving your listening 

Conflict, Stress & Holidays – Oh My!

It rained all night and the result for us was a peaceful night’s sleep.  “It’s a great way to relieve stress,” my husband declared. What stress is he under, I thought, but it had been a long time since we’ve slept through a rainy night. We live in the desert and rain here is rare.  

I’m writing this in late September, just after the devastating storm named Florence battered the east coast. Don’t tell people in the Carolinas that rain is peaceful and relieves stress, unless you want more conflict. We know better – we’ve lived through hurricanes and can understand and appreciate a different point of view.  

One of the keys to managing conflict – and alleviating stress – is the ability to listen to different points of view.  As we discuss in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, we all have different experiences that shape the way we see things and events around us. Hurricane season is devastating in coastal areas. The summer monsoon season, as the rainy season is called in the Southwest, is welcomed with open arms.

There are more stressful seasons descending upon us. Halloween? No, it will be fun even with the ghosts and goblins and other dark creatures. But then we prepare for Thanksgiving – families gathered around the table. You’re concerned that after the upcoming mid-term elections your right-wing and left-wing relatives won’t keep their political differences civil and are hoping your outspoken brother focuses his attention and comments on the football game rather than offending anyone. 

You may take a pass on Black Friday, but there’s still the stress of holiday gift giving – selecting the perfect gift for everyone, purchasing it, and wrapping it.  

Barbara and I have a gift suggestion, and we'd be honored and humbled if you'd consider it.  We published two books on conflict, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. They are available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and independent book sellers. Both address topics of diversity, differences and expectations among others. It could be the perfect answer for those relatives who can’t get along or a gift for your colleagues or clients not only at the holidays, but at any time during the year! These books are a good reminder that conflict can be addressed with grace and civility.

Look no further, you can order both books online. To ease the stress, we’ve added links.  The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook: https://tinyurl.com/y8qy4msz and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book:  https://tinyurl.com/ycktzyz9,

Free up your time this holiday season for the decorating, baking, partying – whatever you love, but can’t seem to find the time, to do. Fill this time with wonder and light and excitement before the gloomy days of winter, not stress and conflict.