5 Things To Know About Conflict Styles

Understanding your conflict style and adjusting it to each situation is so important in managing workplace conflict. So, what’s your conflict style preference? Are you:

Competing, someone who likes to argue and debate? Competing often means defending a position you believe is correct, or simply trying to win.

Accommodating, someone who is unassertive and cooperative, often yielding to another’s point of view or even giving in when you believe your ideas are better? Accommodating is the complete opposite of competing.

Avoiding, someone who is unassertive and uncooperative neither pursuing your concerns or others?  Avoiding doesn’t commit and is unsure where h/she stands on issues.  

Compromising, someone who is moderate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness, looking to fine an expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties? Compromising is intimidated by direct confrontation and looks to gain consensus or seek a quick middle-ground solution.

Collaborating, someone who is both assertive and cooperative and takes a win-win approach to find a solution that fully satisfies both? Collaborating understands the value of positive conflict and often acts as a mediator. 

Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling modes and no one uses a single style of dealing with conflict. Understanding your own preferred conflict style and the preferred conflict style of others, helps us take conflict less personally and creatively resolve workplace disputes. Once you understand the preferred style of others, you can use these ideas to work successfully with a person using a particular conflict style or mode:

Allow the competing style time to vent.  Be gracious while doing your best to discover what they fear.  Use reflecting listening skills and don’t forget that humor may go a long way in getting a competing person to relax and then be able to resolve the conflict.

Be direct and patient with the avoiding style while you work to understand their position.  Be supportive and allow that person to feel as if they can confront you with their issue.

Active listening is effective with the compromising style as you work to create a supportive environment where the person will feel comfortable.  Describe the impact of their behavior on the situation and allow them to feel as if they can confront you with the issue.

Try to get the accommodating style to open up about their feelings and fears.  Monitor their energy level since they are susceptible to burnout.  Solicit their input and feedback since probably won’t offer it willingly.

Watch and learn from the collaborating style in order to enhance your own abilities to deal with conflict. This way you won’t always depend on them in conflict situations since they are skilled at resolving whatever comes up.  

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month, but let’s keep this awareness going. Having workplaces filled with creativity and respect is essential for organizational success. Spread the word, share our posts, and we’d be honored if you recommended our books The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book to your colleagues and friends and on Amazon.  

Based on an interview with Rodger Dean Duncan, originally posted on forbes.com on September 23, 2017

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. Conflict—when it’s handled appropriately—can lead to breakthrough solutions. It all requires honest dialogue. Fortunately, it’s a learnable skill.

A helpful tool is a new book by Cornelia Gamlem and Barbara Mitchell. It’s called The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. If you find yourself fumbling for words, this book can help you navigate through even the most challenging conversations.

Rodger Dean Duncan: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Cornelia Gamlem: Problem-solving takes time and effort. But in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people often don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing.

Duncan: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Barbara Mitchell: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Duncan: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Gamlem: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that.

• Something’s been brought to my attention. Can we talk about this issue now, or would a time later today be better?
• You’re talking in sound bites. What are the facts behind them, please?
• What do we not know and what do we need to know? How can we get that information?

Duncan: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habit with genuine listening to understand?

Mitchell: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It encourages the other person to talk. It takes work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. Here’s how it works. While the speaker is talking, the active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion—a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. Here are some phrases an active listener can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• I’m puzzled. Would you mind repeating that?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Duncan: It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front?

Gamlem: If people don’t understand what’s expected of them, the result can be confusion and conflict. There is a golden opportunity to expectations early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship. The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If there is something you don’t understand, let me know as soon as possible so I can explain it.
• It’s okay to admit what you don’t know.

15 Phrases That Will Help You Better Understand a Hard Conversation By Marissa Levin

I've had the opportunity to dig into a new book that I believe will solve many communications problems for anyone who reads it: "The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.”  It has more than 2,000 phrases to address virtually any type of workplace conflict, but of course we can apply these theories to our personal relationships too. 

In today's distracted environment where people are concurrently checking or being interrupted by their devices while having conversations, or are having more "conversations" via text, we are all vulnerable to being misunderstood, and we are more likely to misunderstand others. Communication is simply much more challenging.

"The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book" provides us with these phrases we can use when a communications breakdown or misunderstanding is likely.

Here are 15 to help us be more engaged, and to encourage our partner to share more.

1. What happened?
2. Can you give me an example?
3. It seems like we are having a hard time being clear with each other. Can we start over?
4. I appreciate your undivided attention. It lets me know you are listening to what I have to say.
5. Every time you look at your [phone, watch, computer], you signal that this conversation is not important.
6. So your main concern is [x].
7. You look puzzled. Should I repeat that?
8. You look excited. What do you want to tell me?
9. Is this what you said?
10. I hope I am not jumping to conclusions, but what I heard you say was [x].
11. Tell me more about [x].
12. Just so we are clear, here is what I heard you say.
13. That's very interesting. Go on, I would like to hear more.
14. What happened next?
15. Really?

We all know how it feels to be engaged in a conversation at work and feel that we are not being heard, or that the other person isn't "there" with us. By being more cognizant of how we are coming across in a conversation, and by actively listening to what is being said, we maximize the opportunity for not only greater clarity, but also for a deeper connection.

Here are 10 reasons to engage in active listening:

1. You better understand people.
2. You can start new conversations.
3. You can intelligently answer questions and make informed decisions.
4. You can correct misconceptions.
5. You can increase your own knowledge.
6. You can learn a new perspective.
7. You can correct your own false assumptions.
8. You can stay relevant and current.
9. You can learn specific language and lingo for an organization or project.
10. You can direct your conversation partner to additional sources of support once you understand their situation.

Active listening starts with our own self-awareness of how we may come to conversations with filters or with closed minds. Once we clear the block that may be preventing us from listening fully, we open the potential for unlimited understanding, connection, and attainment of knowledge.

Good luck!

This article originally appeared in Inc.com on August 30, 2017

Listening isn't Easy

Listening is probably the most misunderstood communication process we use.  Your manager is right to suggest you improve your skills. It takes some work, focus, and patience but it can be done. And, your better listening skills will not only be useful at work, they will help you with any relationship!

Let’s start with what listening isn’t—it’s not, when the other person is talking, waiting for your turn to talk.  If that’s your approach to listening, that means you probably aren’t even hearing what the other person is saying—you’ve focused on preparing what you’re going to say when they finish!

Listening takes concentration and it is hard work for most of us.  We spend a lot of time in school learning how to read and write, but little time on how to listen.  A good listener makes a deliberate effort to understand the other person’s message.  A good listener listens to learn, is interested in what the speaker is saying and lets the speaker know they’re listening.

If you’re serious about being a better listening, consider what’s called “active listening.”  It’s the most powerful way to capture the entire message the speaker is attempting to convey.  Here’s how it works:

While the speaker is talking, the active listener encourages the speaker to share by nodding, maintaining eye contact, a raised eyebrow, or a smile.  These cues let the speaker know you hear them and want to know more.  However, you have to really mean it—if you aren’t sincere, the speaker will probably not want to continue to talk to you!

Another active listening technique is to paraphrase what you heard the speaker say.  “I heard you say that my department needs to respond more positively to requests from your staff. “  Then, if that’s not what the speaker intended, the information can be clarified—but they will know you were listening!

As you work to improve your listening skills, consider what gets in your way. Maybe it is that you’re distracted by external noise or other people. If so, when you find yourself in that situation, ask the speaker if you can move to a quieter location.  Maybe the timing is bad—you’re on a tight deadline and can’t focus.  Ask if you can postpone the discussion until you can give it full attention.  Maybe the speaker uses words or phrases you don’t understand—ask for clarification. Listening is such a critical skill, that we devoted a whole chapter to the subject in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook.

As John Marshall, former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court said, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”

Critical Conversations

Critical conversations occur when we talk about things that really matter and can make a difference. Critical conversations happen best in a comfortable place and space. When critical conversations happen there is a higher probability for conflicts to be resolved, harmony to be established and for many other good things to happen.

Some of my best management consulting and coaching experiences have been when a client is ready, willing and able to deal with a strategic issue. Strategic issues are topics, situations and dynamics that we typically want to ignore, dismiss, hide or forget about. They are those “things going on” that are uncomfortable to talk about and require us to be vulnerable. How many of those types of issues are haunting you, your family or your business right now?

To move toward and actually have a critical conversation is a matter of time, truth, trust and willingness to touch where it hurts the most. Let’s think through this carefully:

Take the time: Now is the time to take adequate time to deal with the matter(s) at hand. We too easily let time be an excuse. When we deal with the strategic issue, we will save time and here is why. Strategic issues are road blocks that stand in the way of important things getting done. They zap time and create inefficiency.

Tell the truth: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth – so help yourself.

Trust: It is trusting yourself and the other person(s) involved to handle what needs to happen to the extent that things can get unstuck and move forward freely. The time must be taken. The truth will set you free to say what must be said and to do what must be done. Be competent, confident and consistent with each other.

Touch where it hurts:  I mean this sincerely and literally. Act with words and a physical touch. Speak with specifics and touch the real pain. It may well be an actual thing or symbolic. We may need to touch our head pointing to our mind, our heart meaning a deep heartache or it may be a hug of care, love, support or forgiveness. Talk about the issue openly and touch what needs to be faced and healed.

Barbara and Cornelia encourage us to ask direct, open-ended questions and ask for concrete information. Here are examples from The Big Book of HR:

·       Tell me more.

·       Help me better understand.

·       Tell me why this is important.

·       What leads you to say that?

·       Give me an example.

·       How would that work?

·       Can you say a little more about how you see things?

Also: Be an active listener:

·       Be patient. Avoid interrupting

·       Resist the urge to formulate a response until after the speaker is finished

·       Listen for feelings as well as facts.

Find many more ideas in chapter 26 of The Big Book of HR.

At home and at work, critical conversations can change lives. If you don’t take the opportunity, maybe no one else in the world ever will.

Bernie Linnartz, of Empowerment Experts, consultant, coach and facilitator

This article originally appeared in the Taos News on May 5, 2016