Based on an interview with Rodger Dean Duncan, originally posted on forbes.com on September 23, 2017

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. Conflict—when it’s handled appropriately—can lead to breakthrough solutions. It all requires honest dialogue. Fortunately, it’s a learnable skill.

A helpful tool is a new book by Cornelia Gamlem and Barbara Mitchell. It’s called The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. If you find yourself fumbling for words, this book can help you navigate through even the most challenging conversations.

Rodger Dean Duncan: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Cornelia Gamlem: Problem-solving takes time and effort. But in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people often don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing.

Duncan: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Barbara Mitchell: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Duncan: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Gamlem: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that.

• Something’s been brought to my attention. Can we talk about this issue now, or would a time later today be better?
• You’re talking in sound bites. What are the facts behind them, please?
• What do we not know and what do we need to know? How can we get that information?

Duncan: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habit with genuine listening to understand?

Mitchell: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It encourages the other person to talk. It takes work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. Here’s how it works. While the speaker is talking, the active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion—a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. Here are some phrases an active listener can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• I’m puzzled. Would you mind repeating that?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Duncan: It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front?

Gamlem: If people don’t understand what’s expected of them, the result can be confusion and conflict. There is a golden opportunity to expectations early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship. The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If there is something you don’t understand, let me know as soon as possible so I can explain it.
• It’s okay to admit what you don’t know.

5 Myths About Workplace Conflict

#1:  Conflict is always negative and should be avoided at work.

Quite the contrary. When problems are hidden or masked, they aren’t solved. They fester and grow into bigger problems. Workplace conflict is often creativity and innovation trying to happen and savvy organizations look for ways to embrace and optimize conflict. When people sit down and talk, calmly and rationally, information and different viewpoints are exchanged which can lead to innovative solutions and better working relationships. Embrace the idea that conflict is essential in the workplace if it’s part of a creative and engaged culture that wants the organization to grow and thrive.

#2:  Difficult people are almost always the cause of conflict.

People’s behavior, not the individual, can cause difficulty. While bad behavior is certainly a contributing cause of conflict, it’s not the only cause. Lack of realistic expectations is a big contributor to conflict. People need to know what their jobs entail and what success in their individual role looks like.  Change is another contributing factor. Change is uncomfortable for many people – so get ahead of it. To lessen the likelihood of conflicts from change, communicate early and often.

#3:  The problem at the root of a conflict is usually obvious.

Too often people assume that they understand the root cause of a problem and jump to conclusions. Getting to the source involves dialogue, conversations and some detective work. There are a number of skills and techniques that you have to employ: attending skills which put everyone on an even level; encouraging skills enabled others to elaborate; clarifying skills to reduce ambiguity and establish clarity; and reflecting skills that allow the opportunity to restate in your own words what you’ve hear the other person say. Get good information by varying the types of questions you ask, such as open-ended questions, close-ended questions, fact-based questions or opinion-based questions.

#4:  In conflict, there are always winners and losers.

This is true if you follow the theory of position-based bargaining, but it won’t solve the problem or resolve the conflict. A better approach is interest-based problem solving. When you focus on interests – what’s best for everyone involved – it makes dialogue and discussion central to resolution. Explaining interests and why they are important creates an opportunity to stand in each other’s’ shoes and contemplate the problem from a different viewpoint. It can uncover mutual interests and values and helps everyone make more informed decisions.

#5:  It’s a manager’s responsibility to intervene and fix problems on her team.

Managers often find themselves trapped in the middle of a situation involving members of their team – situations or issues that are not theirs to solve, and a typical reaction is to intervene. Unless a problem involves behavior or performance that needs to be addressed, a manager doesn’t necessarily own it – the employees do. Employees need the freedom and authority to solve problems that relate to their work, without a solution being imposed on them. A guiding principal—in fact a golden rule—of conflict resolution is that the problem should be solved by the individuals who own it.

Conflict and Collaboration

Every time we enter into conflict, there is an opportunity for us to learn and grow. It takes awareness, internal motivation and a conscious decision to move from the mindset and “stuck-ness” of conflict to whole-heartedly grasping a focus on learning and growth. By doing this, you are creating a transformation of mental and physical “life-force” from conflict to growth. This is “magic” of a divine kind. I encourage you to ponder on this.

Growth includes change, learning, expansion, development, insight, awareness, discovery and a growth like the budding leaf on a tree telling us that Spring is about to arrive. Now let’s attach these words to conflict and identify aspects of growth.

• Conflict can inspire change of mind, heart, position, perception, understanding and what we know or believe.
• Conflict can result in learning something new about ourselves or someone else.
• Conflict increases our blood pressure and stress level yet also expands our knowledge about our ownership and passion of what is important to us.
• Conflict can help us identify and learn about our own values.
• Conflict can help us develop discrimination between what is healthy or unhealthy for our body, mind and spirit.
• Conflict can give us insights about our emotions and what triggers others’ emotions. We can gain insights about what hinders or helps us grow.
• Conflict can make us aware of differences we have with each other, as friends, enemies, family or a spouse.
• Conflict can help us discover different things about who we are and how we live and work.
• Conflict can help us use vulnerability to realize and manifest potential new buds and blooms of our humanity.

Here are some ways to move from conflict to collaboration:

• Choose to grow and learn from each other versus doing battle.
• See differences as good, necessary and connections of oneness.
• Focus on the blending and merging of uniqueness.
• Pay attention to strengths, skills and wisdom that you have in common with others.
• Consider the harmonics of a barbershop quartet and visualize harmony that you and others can produce together.
• Check out the many new available resources of all kinds that result in working together.
• Combine information, knowledge and visions of what can be.
• Share questions and desires.
• Explore what you know and don’t know.
• Take two great teams and create an even better team of unbelievable synergy.
• Look for connections where we usually see differences.
• Create new relationships out of old estrangement and indifference.

Moving from conflict to collaboration enables and creates a new life and world for everyone. The journey from conflict to collaboration is about a path purpose here on earth. EnJoy collaboration!

Remember: Check out “The Big Book of HR” by Barbara Mitchell and Cornelia Gamlem, it has great additional information about the topics of this entire series.

Thanks to Bernie Linnartz of Empowerment Experts This article was originally published in Taos News on May 19, 2016.

Listening Really Matters

 Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

We’ve all heard that most Americans fear public speaking more than they fear death but, until I read the Churchill quote, I’d never thought that it takes courage to listen. I think he’s definitely right.  Most of us would rather talk than listen—even when we have nothing really important to say. Maybe it’s a little dramatic to say it takes courage to listen but it certainly is an extremely important communication skill and one that is vital to success in business or in life.

In a business setting, having good listening skills are critical to success and developing those skills takes effort and, dare I say it—courage.  So many leaders don’t stop to listen to the people around them. They are too busy believing they know all the answers to think they might learn something if they sit down and listen.

Good listening is an active process—it’s not just being quiet until the other person stops talking so you can say what you think.  Good listeners interact with the speaker to ask questions.  Good listeners watch for verbal cues while processing the words they’re hearing.  Good listeners listen for what’s not being said—some call this “listening for the music and not just the words.”

Good listeners must exercise a good deal of restraint and not jump to conclusions based on a few early words from the speaker.  If you haven’t listened carefully to what the speaker is saying, your initial judgment can be the cause of you dismissing the rest of what’s being said and that can be fatal!

Ralph Nichols of The University of Minnesota says as reported in Michael Roberto’s book Know What you what you don’t Know—How Great Leaders Prevent Problems Before they Happen-- that he encourages his students to listen more effectively by having a statement at the top of each white board that says, “Withhold evaluation until comprehension is complete—hear the speaker out. It is important that we understand the speaker’s point of view before we accept or reject it.”

There are many things to be aware of that get in the way as we listen or even try to listen:

·       Setting

·       Distractions

·       Timing

·       Beliefs

·       Perceptions

·       Emotions

·       Cultural differences

·       Relationships

·       Word usage

·       Assumptions

In our most recent book, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, we devoted an entire chapter to the importance of good listening skills in managing workplace conflict. We talk about how to use active listening, gestures, eye contact, and reflective listening skills to improve the listening experience. 

So, be courageous and work to be a better listener and see how this improves your working and personal relationships!

Getting Innovation Right

Throughout the year we’ve been talking about innovation. Innovation equals success. Innovation is about adding value to your organization and to the marketplace. As the year draws to a close, it’s a good time to reflect how you can position your organization to leverage the marketplace and add value.

In his book, Getting Innovation Right, Seth Kahan's theme is the best ideas are useless if they don't add value. Kahan highlights suggested activities for leaders in order to drive success for their innovations in the marketplace.

1.  Pursue and leverage inflection points - those dramatic and decisive shifts in your relationship with the market whether positive or negative. Anticipate them and use them to your advantage. Positive ones can grow your base, increase you offerings and customer loyalty, and improve your place in the market.

2. Build innovation capacity. Developing new products and services has a stress factor. Does your organization have what it takes to channel those pressures and turn them into productive use? Strong innovation leaders do this through strong internal leadership, exceptional talent management, and robust idea management. They manage critical forces, talk to the right people, build partnerships, and hire and develop people who understand and embrace the power of innovation.

3.  Collect intelligence. The best innovation rises from a sea of products, services, customers, competitors, and internal equities. Your intelligence gather efforts should start with the interrelated areas of customers, market conditions and organizational capabilities. Be sure you’ve defined the scope, determined your goals, conducted interviews, consulted sources, and performed your due diligence.  Gathering and applying pertinent information must be an on-going effort to enhance the quality of your strategic decisions.

4.  Shift perspective. Challenge your own assumptions. They may be constraining your ability to see new opportunities. Get out from your own box. Listen to your employees, partners, customers and competitors.  Seeing the world through new alternatives and points of view helps to identify opportunities to pivot into a positive inflection point that will drive success.

5.  Exploit disruption. Disruption is part of business life today and it can come from anywhere. Just like conflict, if it’s ignored or mismanaged, it can be disastrous. Successful leaders identify the opportunity embedded in adverse conditions and exploit it – disruptions such as customer challenges, industry change, fierce competition and new business models. Turn turmoil to your advantage.

6.  Generate value.  Value is what causes people to separate from their hard-earned cash, drive investors to invest, and shoppers to shop. It’s a perceived benefit – such as the value of brand (Coke vs. Pepsi). Skillful innovators understand what drives value, what it looks like to customers and all their stakeholders, and how to generate by delivering something more, better or new.

7.  Drive Innovation uptake – customer acceptance of a new product or service. When you align your innovations with what your customers value, they become your ambassadors. Every stage of the innovation process holds opportunity to introduce new ideas into the market and engage your customers. Working together you move from a mere transaction toward a generative relationship.

To help his readers get innovation right, Kahan provides tools and techniques, templates and guidelines, and step-by-step instructions. If you’re thinking of what you want to accomplish in 2016, this may be a great place to start!