Over a Cup of Coffee

Recently, I had the chance to chat with Greg Cellini about workplace conflict. He was interviewing me for his radio show “Thank God for Mondays” which broadcasts on WSOU in the New York City metropolitan area. I say I chatted with him because that’s what the half hour we spent together felt like – a conversation we were having over a cup of coffee.

I started my HR career as a recruiter, spending years perfecting the art of interviewing people.  As I moved through my career, I realized what a great asset it was. It has certainly come in handy since I started writing and giving interviews about my books!

What is an interview?  It's a conversation. It’s dialogue.  A great interview is the perfect conversation where information is exchanged.  I’ve found that the best interviews – no matter if I’m asking or answering the questions – have a sense of rhythm.  How can you tell if there’s rhythm to your conversations?

• There is a presence, a sense of being and staying in the moment with the other person(s).  I’ve chatted with Greg before, both times over the phone, yet there was the feel of sitting across the table from each other.

• They are comfortable.  When you take some time to build rapport in the beginning, you create a relaxed atmosphere, even when the conversation is being broadcast – either live, on the air, or taped for later airing.

• There is a natural flow to the dialogue.  The best interviews are the ones where the interviewers come prepared – they know the information that they want to receive so they’ve got good questions to ask. Of course, as an interviewee, when I’m being asked about my books, I’m certainly knowledgeable!

• There is a feeling of spontaneity to the discussion, even though there was a structure and time constraint to the interviews.  They are not rigid question and answer (or interrogation) sessions.  

• There is a connection between the people who become a team, each interested in having a positive outcome.

• There is recognition that silence is okay.  A short pause never breaks that natural flow and the dialogue is not rushed nor pressured.  It’s okay to pause for a moment to gather a thought.  

• There is trust.  All parties are confident and relying on each other for a great experience. 

The Big Book of HR devotes a chapter to “Critical Conversations: and The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook devotes a chapter to discovering “What’s The Problem?” Why? Because there are so many circumstances at work when good information has to be given and received.  Whether your conversations are critical or casual, keep the rhythm in them.

Critical Conversations

Critical conversations occur when we talk about things that really matter and can make a difference. Critical conversations happen best in a comfortable place and space. When critical conversations happen there is a higher probability for conflicts to be resolved, harmony to be established and for many other good things to happen.

Some of my best management consulting and coaching experiences have been when a client is ready, willing and able to deal with a strategic issue. Strategic issues are topics, situations and dynamics that we typically want to ignore, dismiss, hide or forget about. They are those “things going on” that are uncomfortable to talk about and require us to be vulnerable. How many of those types of issues are haunting you, your family or your business right now?

To move toward and actually have a critical conversation is a matter of time, truth, trust and willingness to touch where it hurts the most. Let’s think through this carefully:

Take the time: Now is the time to take adequate time to deal with the matter(s) at hand. We too easily let time be an excuse. When we deal with the strategic issue, we will save time and here is why. Strategic issues are road blocks that stand in the way of important things getting done. They zap time and create inefficiency.

Tell the truth: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth – so help yourself.

Trust: It is trusting yourself and the other person(s) involved to handle what needs to happen to the extent that things can get unstuck and move forward freely. The time must be taken. The truth will set you free to say what must be said and to do what must be done. Be competent, confident and consistent with each other.

Touch where it hurts:  I mean this sincerely and literally. Act with words and a physical touch. Speak with specifics and touch the real pain. It may well be an actual thing or symbolic. We may need to touch our head pointing to our mind, our heart meaning a deep heartache or it may be a hug of care, love, support or forgiveness. Talk about the issue openly and touch what needs to be faced and healed.

Barbara and Cornelia encourage us to ask direct, open-ended questions and ask for concrete information. Here are examples from The Big Book of HR:

·       Tell me more.

·       Help me better understand.

·       Tell me why this is important.

·       What leads you to say that?

·       Give me an example.

·       How would that work?

·       Can you say a little more about how you see things?

Also: Be an active listener:

·       Be patient. Avoid interrupting

·       Resist the urge to formulate a response until after the speaker is finished

·       Listen for feelings as well as facts.

Find many more ideas in chapter 26 of The Big Book of HR.

At home and at work, critical conversations can change lives. If you don’t take the opportunity, maybe no one else in the world ever will.

Bernie Linnartz, of Empowerment Experts, consultant, coach and facilitator

This article originally appeared in the Taos News on May 5, 2016