'Tis the Season

Like it or not, 'tis the season. You survived Thanksgiving -- the turkey, the trimmings, the desserts, and the family gathered round the table. You're thankful that your right-wing uncle and left-wing aunt kept their political differences civil, that your zany cousin kept her antics to a minimum, and that your outspoken brother focused his attention and comments on the football game and didn't offend anyone. Now the year-end holiday season is in full swing, along with high levels of expectations and work. And you thought we were going to say good tidings and cheer!

During this time of the year, there are so many added demands on our time and resources. The added expectations and work -- travel plans and travel, holiday greetings to send, decorations and lights to string, songs to sing, parties with extra cooking and baking, shopping and finding the best gifts at the lowest prices -- all result in extra stress which can lead to conflict. 

Christmas, which is a religious holiday, has become more and more secular and over-commercialized -- which is also resulting in more stress and conflict in our society. There's the expectation that we greet everyone with "Merry Christmas" rather than "Happy Holidays" without realizing that not everyone celebrates this holiday or observes it as a holy day. Diversity and differences. Raised expectations. All potentially ingredients for conflict.

You avoided Black Friday and the malls, opting instead for less hectic, more meaningful shopping experiences. You need stocking stuffers for your brother and that left-wing aunt -- but Christmas is still weeks away. Oh, wait -- your office is doing a Secret Santa; your yoga group is doing a holiday gift exchange where you have to bring a mindful gift; your neighbors are hosting a "Festivus" celebration (remember that Seinfeld episode) and you have to bring a gift under $15. You need to get those gifts sooner. And you still have to buy wrapping paper, decorate the tree, and something else you can't remember at the moment. 

We've got a suggestion, and we'd be honored and humbled if you'd consider it. This fall our latest book, The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book, was published, and it's available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and independent book sellers. It contains over 2,000 mindful and thoughtful phrases that address, among other topics, diversity and expectations. It could be the perfect answer for those last-minute gift exchanges that are making your shopping experience more hectic than planned. It's the perfect gift for your colleagues or clients for the holidays or at any time during the year!

This season of the year should be a reflective one, filled with wonder and light and excitement before the gloomy days of winter, not stress and conflict. The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book is a good reminder that conflict can be addressed with grace and civility.

All the best wishes for this season. Take time to enjoy it and reflect. 

Barbara & Cornelia

Happy Holidays

No, I’m not declaring a “War on Christmas!” This season does encompass many holidays starting with Thanksgiving and ending with New Year’s Day. Different religions and cultures have other celebrations and observances. I love this season with all the lights, decorations, and songs.  I have so many fond family memories of decorating the Christmas tree with my siblings and father -- laughing and squabbling.  

Even cultures that celebrate Christmas, have different traditions, rituals and customs associated with it. Here are a few examples and samples of Christmas around the world:

• The German holiday season begins December 5, the celebration of St. Nicholas’s Day. 

• German children look forward to Christmas Eve, when St. Nicholas brings gifts and rewards to all good children.

• In Latin America Viejo Pascero or Old Man Christmas is the central figure in the Christmas Celebration.

• The children of the Netherlands put carrots and hay out for St. Nicholas’s horse in return for gifts, candies, cookies, fruits & nuts.

• Pere Noel was the bearer of luxuries for French peasants in the Middle Ages. He left gifts in children’s wooden shoes.

• In Norway, Juelesvenn or gift bringer comes during the mid-winter festivities of Jul to hide lucky barley stalks.

• In England, Father Christmas travels from home to home often leaving a Yule Log for each fireplace.

• In Poland, Star Man visits all homes after Christmas Eve supper bringing small gifts and cookies to the children.

• St. Stephen is honored in Ireland on Dec. 26 for his good deeds. Kids go door to door singing for pennies.

• In Russia, Grandfather Frost travels from house to house bringing gifts on New Year’s Day.

• In Italy La Befana arrives on Epiphany Eve or January 5 coming down the chimney with gifts, 

• La Befana waves a cane to warn bad children—who will receive only a lump of coal.

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” Theodor Seuss Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)

Conflict - It's Not Make Believe

We know that conflict is a necessary ingredient in a good story, but how about at work? Well, it can be positive if it’s managed and optimized. Conflict can lead to innovation and creativity resulting in business growth and success. Mean-spirited conflict, on the other hand, is great in a mystery, but at work it can derail relationships quickly. 

Barbara and I have written two books about conflict – The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. Writing non-fiction is admittedly different from writing fiction. Non-fiction writers don’t have to make stuff up. There is plenty of real-life conflict and drama and ready-made villains to write about. 

So who are the villains in our books? In The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook we pose a number of situations drawn from workplace situations. There’s Renata with an abrasive personality. In meetings she’s especially aggressive, cutting people off when they are talking and making snide remarks about ideas they are proposing. What do you say to someone who is so rude and disrespectful? Sometimes the right words escape you, especially in a tense situation.

In The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book we took on the challenge of addressing these situations by providing prompts to help readers formulate their own thoughts so the words don’t come out wrong. Renata could say, “Every time you interrupt, you’re undermining the meeting.” 

Then there’s Lorraine, the manager who’s obviously intimidated by Lars, a new employee accomplished in his profession. She responds to his input in meetings with snarky comments and sarcasm, even belittling his work credentials. Lars could respectfully confront her by saying, “Please don’t call me out publically like you just did in the meeting.” 

What else can you say when a situation gets toxic? 

• If you want to make jokes or criticize, please get your facts straight.
• Statements like that just provoke bad feelings. They’re not respectful.
• This is a professional workplace. There’s no room in it for coarse language.

What if someone tries to pull you into a situation and get you to take their side? How could you respond?

• You’re complaining to me about my coworker, but the situation is between you and her.
• Stop talking about him and talk to him.
• You can’t keep running in here every time he says or does something you don’t like.

Finally, there are things you should absolutely avoid saying, such as:

• You just don’t think!
• This is all your fault.
• Such a nasty person.

Whatever the situation, responding to differences, building team spirit, setting expectations, or giving feedback, The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book will help the words come out right!

Give the gift of Positive Conflict this holiday season -- The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book!

Cornelia Gamlem

It's Always a Good Time for Gratitude

I've been part of a group that meets monthly to discuss the topic of leadership. There are usually about 30 people in attendance -- sometimes more and sometimes fewer, but everyone there really wants to be there since the meeting starts at 7 am!

We meet at a law firm, and the partner in this very prestigious firm always warmly welcomes us. This month she said more than usual -- she said how grateful she was for the people who come month after month and actively participate in the learning that takes place. She said she's become aware of how important it is to acknowledge what we have to be grateful for in our lives, especially at this time of year. I am grateful for this reminder that being thankful is really important -- and not just at Thanksgiving time!

In the U.S., we celebrate Thanksgiving at the end of November. Because of the timing of our Thanksgiving so close to the December holidays, too many people don't even stop to think about what they're thankful for -- especially when the holiday decorations go up in October. 

I like the timing of the Canadian Thanksgiving -- it is celebrated on the second Monday in October, so it gets its very own focus -- not the U.S. version on the fourth Thursday in November, a day when we eat too much, watch NFL games on TV, and plan our shopping expedition for the next day. Somehow, for many people, the idea of giving thanks for our blessings as a nation and as individuals gets lost.

Several years ago, I started keeping a gratitude journal, and it worked so well for me that I gave them out to family and friends. The idea is that every day you write down three (or as many as you want); things you're grateful for that happened that day. Little things that might go unto unnoticed if I wasn't keeping the journal, but when I write them down at the end of the day, I find myself filled with gratitude for how blessed my life really is. Keeping this journal is a simple way to be grateful each and every day.

A New York Times article by Arthur C. Brooks, published on November 21, 2015, titled "Choose to Be Grateful. It Will Make you Happier." tells the story of Mr. Brooks and wife in Barcelona, Spain, sharing the idea of our American Thanksgiving traditions with his new in-laws. He said he had to answer a lot of questions, including why do we stuff the turkey with bread, but the one that stopped him cold was whether one should celebrate the holiday even if you don't feel grateful. Now, years and a lot of research later, he has determined that "acting grateful can actually make you grateful."

The article includes studies that show that "choosing to focus on good things makes you feel better than focusing on bad things", which he said is pretty obvious but nonetheless true.

This Thanksgiving, choose to be happy, give thanks, and express gratitude for the many blessings you have -- be they large or small!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Productive Conflict Is Not An Oxymoron

Adapted from an article from Forbes.com published September 23, 2017

Question: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Answer: Problem solving takes time and effort but in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing. 

Question: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Answer: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Question: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Answer: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that: 

• Can you describe the situation and give me a specific example of what happened?
• Can you explain the issue to me as you see it?
• I feel as if I’m coming into this situation in the middle. Can we start at the beginning?

Question: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habits with genuinely listening to understand?

Answer: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It takes some work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. The active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion -- a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. An active listener has to sincerely want to hear what is being said.  Here are some phrases an active listen can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• This is what I heard you say. Is that correct?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Question:  It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front? 

Answer: At the core of many workplace conflicts is the lack of expectations. There is a golden opportunity to set the tone early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship – the position, the job duties and what success in the position looks like. Let employees know, “These are our values, these are the behaviors that reflect our values, and we have zero tolerance for behavior that is contrary to our values.” The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• This is how your job fits into the role of the department and the mission of the organization.
• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If you don’t understand why I’m asking for something, please speak up and ask me.

Halloween—A Time for Team Building?

It used to be that Halloween was a holiday only celebrated by children but it has now become one of the most widely celebrated holidays in the US (and it’s catching on in other countries as well).  I remember when I moved from Chicago to Los Angeles and was absolutely amazed that pretty much everyone dressed up on Halloween.  Even the bank tellers and the grocery checkout clerks were in full costume and I don’t mean they just put a mask on with their work uniform —they wore amazing costumes that took great creativity to put together!  I remember driving to work on the first Halloween in Los Angeles and almost driving off the road when I looked to my right at a stop light and saw someone dressed like a bear in the car next to me!

So, my first Halloween in LA was pretty amazing for me!  Our office had over 200 employees and there was a contest for the best individual costume and another competition for departments—and that is where it really got interesting!  One of my favorites was the year the accounting department came as the “fruit” from the Fruit of the Loom logo.  Picture the very conservative CFO wearing 20 inflated balloons to replicate the grapes in the logo!  

As you can imagine, not much work was accomplished on Halloween but it was a huge amount of fun and it was a team building day as well.  Putting together a departmental theme took a lot of time and effort and everyone had to participate.  The best part of this story is that EVERYONE participated—even the top executive staff.  Imagine coming to work and seeing the CEO dressed as Dracula—you have to laugh at that sight!

Celebrating Halloween at work has caught on across the US and now many organizations encourage people to come to work in costume.  I share this with you because, if you are a long-time reader of this blog, you know that we think lightening up at work can have a positive impact on productivity, engagement, and retention.  Halloween give you a perfect excuse to have some fun at work and for your employees to work together on something a little more creative and enjoyable than their usual projects!   It may be too late this year to put team costume competition together but think about it for next year!

What will you be for Halloween this year?  Come on—have some fun and see how your employees respond! You may discover Halloween is a great way to strengthen your team

From Conflict to Collaboration

Conflict is about differences while collaboration is about working together. Conflict is about opposites and collaboration is about being on the same side. Conflict is about two or more directions. Collaboration is about oneness and unity. Conflict easily assumes something is better and stronger and the other is worse or weaker. In conflict, there tends to be a right and a wrong or good and bad. In collaboration, two rights create something that is better together and they are two strengths that both become stronger. Collaboration is working together using all available information, knowledge, skills and resources to create the intended result.

In any situation where there is a conflict, you have a choice between remaining in a mode of conflict or creating an approach of collaboration. Let me state this strongly, you and I always have that choice. So why do we choose conflict and battling? (Often, because of our devastating human characteristic of the “need to be right.”)

The Big Book of HR, in chapter twenty-eight, has many great insights regarding moving from conflict to collaboration. Here is one small quote that I want to focus on: “Conflict is often growth that is trying to happen.” It would be very wise of us to memorize that statement. (Maybe even write it on our foreheads.) So, when we find ourselves about to enter the arena of conflict we can consider these two things: First, we can remember and recognize that in the midst of conflict, we have an opportunity for growth. Second, we can choose to move into the garden of growth and learning of collaboration versus the bloody battleground of conflict.

I’m also using five options of dealing with conflict from the book yet, adding my own twist about each of the options. Here they are:

• Compete: We can do battle and have a declared winner and loser.
• Accommodate: One person gives in to avoid the conflict and both sides lose out on growth.
• Avoid: Both sides avoid the conflict and little or nothing gets done.
• Collaborate: Everyone wins and everyone benefits from the best possible results.
• Compromise: The result of compromise is cooperation which is good, yet both sides have sacrificed something of value and the result is usually something less than the best possible outcome.

What conflicts have you been a part of recently? What are the conflicts that you are avoiding right now? I could give you a list of my own regarding both questions. The critical question right now is, knowing what you now know about the choice between conflict and collaboration, why would you not choose collaboration? Are there benefits for you in doing battle? Did you not know you had a choice? 

With collaboration there are benefits of learning, growth and enjoyment. There is also accomplishment, pride and many more surprising outcomes. Conflicts typically become problems which take a lot of time, effort and resources. Collaboration decreases or even eliminates problems.

Bernie Linnartz

This article first appeared on May 12, 2016, in the Taos News.

Based on an interview with Rodger Dean Duncan, originally posted on forbes.com on September 23, 2017

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. Conflict—when it’s handled appropriately—can lead to breakthrough solutions. It all requires honest dialogue. Fortunately, it’s a learnable skill.

A helpful tool is a new book by Cornelia Gamlem and Barbara Mitchell. It’s called The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. If you find yourself fumbling for words, this book can help you navigate through even the most challenging conversations.

Rodger Dean Duncan: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Cornelia Gamlem: Problem-solving takes time and effort. But in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people often don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing.

Duncan: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Barbara Mitchell: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Duncan: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Gamlem: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that.

• Something’s been brought to my attention. Can we talk about this issue now, or would a time later today be better?
• You’re talking in sound bites. What are the facts behind them, please?
• What do we not know and what do we need to know? How can we get that information?

Duncan: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habit with genuine listening to understand?

Mitchell: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It encourages the other person to talk. It takes work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. Here’s how it works. While the speaker is talking, the active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion—a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. Here are some phrases an active listener can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• I’m puzzled. Would you mind repeating that?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Duncan: It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front?

Gamlem: If people don’t understand what’s expected of them, the result can be confusion and conflict. There is a golden opportunity to expectations early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship. The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If there is something you don’t understand, let me know as soon as possible so I can explain it.
• It’s okay to admit what you don’t know.

Break Points -- Productivity Boosters or Waste of Time?

I imagine that most of us think that taking a break from work isn't a good thing. We've been conditioned to think that hard work is what pays off, and hard work is measured by how long we work -- right? 

Have you ever been praised for your ability to take frequent breaks from your tasks? No, most of us get reinforcement for "keeping our nose to the grindstone" -- a rather outdated phrase, but I bet you've heard it sometime in your working life!

Well, it appears that working long hours with no breaks doesn't make us more productive and, in fact, actually has a negative impact on productivity and certainly on creativity. And then there are the physical health benefits of taking breaks. 

You've probably heard that "sitting is the new smoking" adage -- sitting for long periods of time is not good for us. Recently, my internist told me to get up from my chair every 30 minutes, and I laughed at this suggestion until I started researching this article.

Since much of my time is spent writing books, blogs, and articles, the idea that I can get anything done in short periods of time didn't make sense to me. But I tried it, and yes, I can make real progress in 25 minutes. As a self-confessed procrastinator, I find that I'm able to get started on projects or assignments sooner when I think I only have to focus on them for 25 minutes -- it forces me to sit and write. I actually set the timer to remind me to get up -- and I set it in another room so I have to get up to turn it off!

Here's the hard part -- a break is not stopping to check email or just sneaking a look at Facebook or Instagram. A break is stepping away from your work for a short time to maybe take a walk around the office or the block. This kind of break allows you to clear your head so that when you return to your work, you're focused.

An article in The Atlantic.com on September 17, 2014, shares research that says the most productive schedule is to work for 52 minutes and then take a 17-minute break! They suggest that "rather than set your stop-watch for 17:00 when you get up from your desk, the more important reminder might be to get up at all."

There are other changes we can make that have both health and productivity payoffs -- try standing-up meetings. They tend to be shorter than sit-down meetings, so that's a productivity boost right there. Or how about walking meetings? Of course, the weather has to be good, and it can't be a large group of people or a meeting where you need a whiteboard or PowerPoint presentation. But how about a time when it's just you and a couple of colleagues discussing next steps on a project? 

We'd love to hear how you incorporate some of these ideas into your day and what works for you. And, right now, step away from your desk and take a break! You'll be more productive for it!

Harvest Season

It’s autumn – a season that’s named twice, fall and autumn – not a season that is generally thought of as a time of renewal. However, in autumn there is still a lot of activity going on. It’s the season of the harvest – when the final crops are coming in and being sold. Go to a local farm – even if you live in the heart of a large city, a trip to the farm or country is a great thing to do on a weekend. At the farm, you’ll see pumpkin patches, a sea of mums in all different fall colors, stacks of hay and hay rides, apples and apple cider, and often more. Go apple picking, drink cider and eat apple pie! If a farm isn’t your thing, go to a winery – they’re popping up all over. Grapes are being harvested and wine is being made. Go grape picking and drink wine! And there are all the fall craft fairs with handmade items! New things are all over.

Spring is often associated with newness and growth – the time when things are being planted and starting to come to life. There’s lots of creativity, innovation, and energy associated with this season of the year and this stage in the business life cycle – the introductory stage. Then comes the growth stage – summer. All those seeds that were planted are cultivated and grow. In the business cycle, the organization is managing all the ideas that were cultivated during the start-up phase and meeting the demands of its markets and clients, customers and stakeholders. 

Then comes fall – the air has a crispness to it. It’s invigorating. There is still lots of work to do. On the farms after the harvest, there’s cleanup from this year’s crop in order to get ready for next year’s growing season. Renew and sustain. In the business cycle, it’s the stage when organizations need to be flexible and contemplative. It’s time to harvest the results of hard work and review successes and lessons learned – what’s worked and what hasn’t. What can be renewed and repurposed? What is no longer working? Smart organizations are leveraging the products and services they have already cultivated during this maturity stage of the business life cycle and looking at beyond to determine what’s next. What new and exciting things can we plan to do to avoid going into decline and stay entrenched in the past? 

Recognizing and managing the various stages of the organization’s life cycle is important for leaders and the associates in an organization as well. As leaders, keep the heat of the summer season – the growth cycle – going even as winter – that pesky dormant phase approaches.  It’s during autumn – the maturity stage – when it’s critical for leaders to inform, influence and inspire their teams to be creative and innovative – to develop and cultivate new ideas and be ready to begin anew!

Ch, Ch, Ch, Changes

Driving through west Texas in July 2017, the turning windmills on the side of the road seemed to be dancing in synchrony – like a line of Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall in New York City dancing and kicking in a chorus line. I didn’t have to visit Holland after all to see windmills. What a great country we live in!  This was a big change from the oil wells I saw in east Texas, the first time I visited the state oh so long ago.  Not just the change in the landscape, but the change in technology to provide us energy. 

Later that month, an article in the business section of the Washington Post about clean energy caught my attention. American Electric Power, one of the nation’s largest power companies, announced plans to buy the nation’s biggest U.S. wind farms. The project is in Oklahoma (we drove through there first before getting to Texas) in cooperation with two renewable energy companies.  Through subsidiaries of AEP, the power generated through wind – a renewable energy source – would serve customers in four states – Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and Texas. The downside, AEP will be less reliant on coal plants for energy which will impact certain jobs. Change!

Change is hard – personally and professionally. Sometimes you see it coming; other times it’s unexpected.  Sometimes it’s planned by you, other times it’s imposed on you by others or by circumstance. Emotions are always present – some are positive while others are negative. The challenge is getting through it with the least amount of conflict – internal conflict and external conflict.

There’s been much in the news about the changing face of manufacturing in this country. Interestingly, government data shows that many factory works are quitting their jobs at the fastest pace in a decade. The indicators are that they think they can find work elsewhere. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that since June 2015 the share of employees voluntarily leaving the industry has risen from 1.1 percent to 1.6 percent.

An article in the Washington post in August 2017, talked about one man in the manufacturing sector who was taking advantage of his company’s education benefits and going back to school at age 53 to study psychology. He wants to help others who are challenged by industry changes and help them face them. Others took buyouts to start their own businesses – some to follow a passion that they hope they can turn into incomes. Career transitions are hard. I’ve done it many times – moving from employee to consultant to writer. You have to know the resources available to you. You have to move from perhaps being an expert to being a student.

How do you tackle change? It’s so easy to get stuck daily routines and the pace of your work. Stepping out of your comfort zone – even occasionally – can help prepare your for change. When you stop starting (something new) you stop. So explore and challenge yourself by learning something new – in your personal live, in your professional life, in your organization or industry. 

While change is often uncomfortable, it can also bring a whole new energy level. The challenge is getting through the change and getting to the other side!

15 Phrases That Will Help You Better Understand a Hard Conversation By Marissa Levin

I've had the opportunity to dig into a new book that I believe will solve many communications problems for anyone who reads it: "The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.”  It has more than 2,000 phrases to address virtually any type of workplace conflict, but of course we can apply these theories to our personal relationships too. 

In today's distracted environment where people are concurrently checking or being interrupted by their devices while having conversations, or are having more "conversations" via text, we are all vulnerable to being misunderstood, and we are more likely to misunderstand others. Communication is simply much more challenging.

"The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book" provides us with these phrases we can use when a communications breakdown or misunderstanding is likely.

Here are 15 to help us be more engaged, and to encourage our partner to share more.

1. What happened?
2. Can you give me an example?
3. It seems like we are having a hard time being clear with each other. Can we start over?
4. I appreciate your undivided attention. It lets me know you are listening to what I have to say.
5. Every time you look at your [phone, watch, computer], you signal that this conversation is not important.
6. So your main concern is [x].
7. You look puzzled. Should I repeat that?
8. You look excited. What do you want to tell me?
9. Is this what you said?
10. I hope I am not jumping to conclusions, but what I heard you say was [x].
11. Tell me more about [x].
12. Just so we are clear, here is what I heard you say.
13. That's very interesting. Go on, I would like to hear more.
14. What happened next?
15. Really?

We all know how it feels to be engaged in a conversation at work and feel that we are not being heard, or that the other person isn't "there" with us. By being more cognizant of how we are coming across in a conversation, and by actively listening to what is being said, we maximize the opportunity for not only greater clarity, but also for a deeper connection.

Here are 10 reasons to engage in active listening:

1. You better understand people.
2. You can start new conversations.
3. You can intelligently answer questions and make informed decisions.
4. You can correct misconceptions.
5. You can increase your own knowledge.
6. You can learn a new perspective.
7. You can correct your own false assumptions.
8. You can stay relevant and current.
9. You can learn specific language and lingo for an organization or project.
10. You can direct your conversation partner to additional sources of support once you understand their situation.

Active listening starts with our own self-awareness of how we may come to conversations with filters or with closed minds. Once we clear the block that may be preventing us from listening fully, we open the potential for unlimited understanding, connection, and attainment of knowledge.

Good luck!

This article originally appeared in Inc.com on August 30, 2017

The Writing Life

“Give yourself permission to write a sh...y first draft.” Seriously, that was one piece of advice we heard from the bestselling novelist, Lisa Scottoline, at the 2017 Writer's Digest Annual Conference. We’ve been making the trip to New York City to attend this conference for the past five years where we get to hear from successful authors who generously share ideas about their writing process. We learn about the business and craft of writing from people who’ve succeeded beyond our wildest dreams: 

• “Writing is a playground. You have to know the toys you're playing with.” Hallie Ephron

• “I write 2,000 words a day.” Lisa Scottoline

• “I write in 17 minute bursts.” Jane Clellan

• “The moment you finish a book, start the next. The tank is on empty, but once you start writing, it fills up.” Richard Russo

Writing is a journey, and no two authors share the same adventure or challenge--unless they write with someone as we do.  Our journey over the past year has been exhilarating, frustrating, exciting, and nonstop. 

Starting in late summer and through the fall of 2016, we began work on the second edition of The Big Book of HR. We convinced the publisher to do this given the changes taking place impacting the HR profession. Finding the information to update the book was easy. Making revisions directly on the old manuscript was the challenge. We couldn't have done it without guidance and help from Susan Devereaux, our wonderful assistant. It wasn't just writing the revisions that consumed our time. The book cover which the publisher designed had to be reviewed and approved. Catalogue copy had to be written for the publisher. And there were our day jobs. 

During this same time period, the publisher proposed, and we accepted the challenge to write The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.  Contract signed in early November, no problem. We still had until mid-December to submit the manuscript to the publisher for The Big Book of HR, and Susan would need it sooner to edit. We could do some preliminary writing now and give it full attention in the new year.

Needless to say, our time during the late fall and through the winter of 2016 was consumed with writing. The manuscript for The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book was due in mid-March. Finish one, start the next. Of course, an author’s work isn't complete once the manuscript is submitted. We also had to be available to multiple editors for the levels of editorial review of The Big Book of HR, while we were writing the The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.

Back to The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book, once again, book cover review and requests to write catalogue copy.  Granted, the process of writing this book was different, it always is, but the book still needed to be written. And there were our day jobs. Yes we’ve heard plenty of stories from other authors about how they manage writing and still keep their day jobs. 

Spring 2017 arrived. Manuscript for The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book was submitted and we were available once again for multiple stages of editorial review through the spring and summer. September 18, 2017 is the publication date. 

Did we mention that the publisher pitched, and we accepted another title?  Contract signed in August, 2017. Cover review, catalogue copy in progress. Writing has begun. End one, start the next. Stay tuned for the next portion of this journey and we hope you’ll check out our books that we work hard to make as useful as possible and thanks for your support.

Cornelia & Barbara

What You Do Matters!

I felt my body chill, as if my blood were running cold. I was at the U.S Holocaust Memorial Museum standing in the replica of a family's room in the Ghetto.  I listened a woman say “My mother would never talk about it." I stood there frozen. I couldn't begin to imagine the horror her mother experienced, I told her, barely getting the words out.

I visited the Holocaust Museum in DC that day for an explicit reason. My son is student teaching this semester and his 9th grade class is reading The Diary of Anne Frank and studying the Holocaust. Perhaps I could find material to enhance those lessons. Since I've been through the entire museum before, this time I only explored one exhibit Remember the Children: Daniel's Story. When I left, a couple approached me asking if I'd take their picture in front of the museum’s sign. Of course I did. Without asking, I knew they were not mere DC tourists. This experience was personal on some level for them. Their faces were beaming as I snapped several photos. Their gratitude was evident.  I was curious. I really wanted to learn their story, their connection to this horrible history, but didn't want to intrude. Atrocities are often best left unsaid.

Reflecting on the incident as I made my way home, I wondered if by complying with their simple request to take their picture, if I engaged in an act of Radical Kindness. Radical Kindness is about showing the world that kindness, no matter how small, makes a big difference in others’ lives and in your own. It complements a saying I saw in the Museum -- What You Do Matters. What a powerful message.

There are so many powerful leadership lessons we can draw from that saying.  Actions have consequences. We all need to be accountable. James Damore, the Googler who wrote and posted an internal memo critical of the company's diversity policies, was not practicing radical kindness. Promoting stereotypes is not kind. It wasn’t his beliefs that got him fired, it was his actions. They had consequences. What you do matters.

Build a culture of kindness in your organization, especially if your organization’s values include honesty, integrity and respect. Kindness can be a powerful intervention. It can foil tensions from escalating. It can stop conflict in its tracks. What you do matters.

I recently learned that the founder of LaMadeleine the French Country Café chain, when he visited restaurants, first went into the kitchens to speak with the cooks and dishwashers, next made his way out to the cashiers and team members who worked directly with the customers, and only then did he seek out the managers. What you do matters.

As leaders, go out of your way to be gracious. Walk around your organization. Talk to all the employees – ask them how they are doing. Take a moment to be genuinely curious about them in a purposeful, genuine, and respectful way. Offer a kind word. Tell them they’re doing great work!  What you do matters.

Celebrate Labor!

Although meant as an annual celebration of U.S. Workers and their achievements, Labor Day now often marks the end of the summer vacation season and children’s return to school. It was first celebrated Tuesday, September 5, 1882, in New York City. Some 10,000 workers, who took unpaid time off, assembled and marched from City Hall, past reviewing stands in Union Square.  It was organized by the Central Labor Union, an umbrella group made up of representatives from many local unions. Not unlike today where Labor Day festivities include parades, parties, barbeques and fireworks, the workers and their families in 1882 gathered in New York City for a picnic, concert and speeches.

There is still some doubt as to who first proposed the holiday for workers. Some records show it was Peter J. McGuire, general secretary of the Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners and a cofounder of the American Federation of Labor, was first in suggesting a day to honor workers. He had witnessed an annual labor festival in Canada prior to suggesting a similar holiday in the United States. Many people believe that it was Matthew Maguire, a machinist and later the secretary of Local 344 of the International Association of Machinists in Paterson, N.J., who proposed the holiday in 1882 while serving as secretary of the Central Labor Union in New York. 

Nevertheless, by 1884 similar organizations in other cities followed the example of New York and celebrated a "workingmen's holiday" on that date. The idea spread with the growth of labor organizations, and in 1885 Labor Day was celebrated in many industrial centers of the country. Oregon made Labor Day a legal holiday in 1887, becoming the first state to do so. In 1894, Labor Day was established an official national holiday celebrated on the first Monday in September, by President Grover Cleveland and the U.S. Congress.

This first celebration of U.S. workers originated during one of American labor history’s most dismal chapter. At the time, most employees worked 12 hour days, 7 days a week in order to make a living. Although some states imposed restrictions on the age of workers, in some other states children as young as 5 or 6 years old were working in mines, factories, and mills, earning a fraction of their adult counterparts’ wages. Children, the elderly, the poor, and recent immigrants often worked in unsafe working conditions with insufficient access to fresh air, sanitary facility and breaks.

Instrumental in making changes to these conditions was Frances Perkins, the U.S. Secretary of Labor from 1933 to 1945, and the first woman appointed to the U.S. Cabinet. She accepted the offer from then President-elect, Franklin Roosevelt by setting forth items she wanted to address and change: a forty-hour work week, a minimum wage, worker’s compensation, unemployment compensation, a federal law banning child labor, direct federal aid for unemployment relief, Social Security, a revitalized public employment service, and health insurance.” During his first term, Roosevelt accomplished all of these goals, except national health insurance.

This year, Labor Day is next Monday, September 4, 2017. Enjoy it and take a moment to remember its origins and honor all workers.

________________

Stuffing Envelopes & Other Lessons on Leading

While having breakfast the other morning with our friend, Ralph, in one of our favorite places, we were telling him how much we admire the manager. When he’s there, he’s very visible and always greets the customer. That particular morning, while serving plates of food, he was taking direction from the cashier who was letting him know where the customers were seated. We often talk with him as he walks around the restaurant and chats with customers – but he’s not just wandering around aimlessly. He’ll clear dishes that he sees on tables and tend to other necessary tasks while he takes the time to engage with customers. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty. The staff tells us that things run so smoothly when he’s there. As one person put it, “He doesn’t stay hidden in his office like other managers – he’s out here with us.” He’s also out and about with us, the customers. One of his most admirable leadership traits is his willingness to work side by side with his team and do any task that they do. What a great example he sets!

Ralph remarked that this type of behavior is simply intuitive to some leaders. Something needs to be done and you just do it. He shared the story about a time when his staff was engaged in a process that included stuffing thousands of envelopes – a process that was later automated at his staff’s initiative. He joined them in the conference room and started stuffing envelopes right alongside them. They were amazed. Talk of it spread all over the organization and when he retired, the story was retold. What a great example he set!

At a doctor’s appointment earlier in the year I overhead the doctor talking with a staff member out in the hall. Apparently someone had spilled coffee on the carpet and the staff member was cleaning it up. I couldn’t see what was happening, but his words caught my attention. “Do you want me to do that?” he asked. He wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Not only did he set a great example, but he sent a powerful message to me, his patient. He had a great amount of respect for his staff.

Management text books are filled with examples and case studies of leadership theories. All three of these examples fit the Blake-Mouton theory that describes leadership behavior along two axes: concern for people and concern for task. All three of these are clearly team leaders ranking high on both axes. They lead by positive example, foster a team environment, and encourage individual and team development.

We don’t have to look very far to find positive examples of leadership behavior. Often these examples are right in front of us. They will vary by company size and industry. Not all examples are visible to customers or clients – but they are all visible to employees. Leaders who set a positive example for their teams go a long way in building trust and respect!

Words Matter

The words in the letter which was laying on my desk leapt out at me. “It’s imperative that you complete and return the enclosed form as soon as possible. Failure to do so will have [dire consequences].” Okay, I’m exaggerating just a bit, but the appeal to provide certain information and a particular form struck me as somewhat harsh. It was more of directive than a request. Even though the information request was reasonable, my immediate reaction was to retreat and say no! I knew that wouldn’t have solved anything. However, I couldn’t help but thinking that the message would have been much more positive had the writer said “We appreciate your attention to this and please return the form as soon as possible.” 

Have you ever been in this situation where someone’s words don’t meet the situation or elicit the wrong response or reaction from you? Have you ever been in the situation where the right words don’t come to you, or they just come out wrong? We certainly have. So when our publisher approached us about writing another book – The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book – it didn’t take us long to say yes.

There are so many positive ways to say things, even in a negative situation. At times, you may only have one opportunity to ask a question or share your opinion or solution, but no matter how hard you try, you don’t know what to say—so you don’t say anything at all. That’s when you just need a prompt to help formulate your thoughts and help the words come out right.

No, you can’t plan for every conversation or confrontation. There are times when something unexpected happens, but there are also many times you initiate or anticipate a difficult conversation and that’s where The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book can help.

Nobody wants to go into a potentially difficult situation fumbling for words. Instead of shying away from such a conversation, you can use The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book to prepare for a situations or conversations you suspect will be difficult. Becoming familiar with phrases can spark a useful thought or give you the words you need to feel more confident and prepared. It can help you be ready with your own words and language – words with which you’re comfortable and which feel right to you. 

Words really do matter. Having the right words on hand empowers you. The more you use and practice using positive language, the stronger the habit will become and it will be less likely that you will want to flee from a difficult situation. 

The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book is now available for pre-order from Amazon – http://tinyurl.com/y7je7z9l – with a publication date of September 18, 2017. We’re excited about this new book which is a natural complement to The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. We know you’re going to find it to be a valuable resource. 

Cornelia & Barbara

What Do You Notice?

An article I was reading recently in Writer’s Digest magazine had a great suggestion for sharpening your writing skills. In essence, it said to train your eye to notice things and then write about them. It suggested that at odd moments throughout your day – in public transit on your way to work or at a restaurant during lunch – notice and jot down your observations – snatches of conversations you may overhear, gestures or expressions you notice on other people – then write a few sentences about these observations. The purpose is to deepen your awareness and keep you focused. 

The passage caught my attention not just because it was an easy and effective exercise, but because it reminded me of a book I’d just read in my book club, The Noticer’s Guide to Living and Laughing, by Margery Leveen Sher. She wrote a whole book about the amazing things she notices – things about nature, the seasons, the city, art, books. You name it, she’s noticed it. In a world where everyone seems to be staring at their phones, it was refreshing to read about someone who took the time to look up, down and all around. 

When people become too self-absorbed and don’t pay attention to what’s going on around them, they can miss great opportunities. It reminds me of an encounter that I had over breakfast one morning at a small neighborhood café. It was crowded and the space was tight. We ended up sharing a table with another couple and struck up a conversation. Someone else couldn’t help overhearing us and it turned out she had a possible job opportunity for the woman in the other party. A connection was made because someone was listening and paying attention.

Ideas and opportunities arise when you least expect it, but you’ve got to notice them.

• Do you pay attention to the action around you?
• Do you listen to the stories people are telling?
• Do you listen to ideas from people throughout the organization?

Pay attention to how ideas flow in your organization. Do they flow freely? More importantly, do team member have the freedom to either act on good ideas or at least bring them forward? If communication channels are rigidly defined, you may be stifling creativity and productivity.

I've been in organizations and heard of situations where directors only talk to directors and if you’re not at that level, you cannot pass an idea up (or worse answer a question or provide information) to a person at a "higher level".  I once served on an industry/government task force.  A good idea had been presented and I asked if it could be taken back to the appropriate agency.  "That's above my pay grade" was the response I got.

You gain a great deal if you encourage open communication channels. How you communicate reveals much about your culture.  Open communication leads to problem solving, creativity and innovation and it will keep your team members motivated, engaged, and in your employ.