Based on an interview with Rodger Dean Duncan, originally posted on forbes.com on September 23, 2017

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. Conflict—when it’s handled appropriately—can lead to breakthrough solutions. It all requires honest dialogue. Fortunately, it’s a learnable skill.

A helpful tool is a new book by Cornelia Gamlem and Barbara Mitchell. It’s called The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book. If you find yourself fumbling for words, this book can help you navigate through even the most challenging conversations.

Rodger Dean Duncan: Honest, straightforward dialogue seems to be the key to most problems in the workplace (and elsewhere). Why are so many people so bad at it?

Cornelia Gamlem: Problem-solving takes time and effort. But in today’s work environment, time can be a precious commodity. Therefore, people often don’t get to the root of the problem or even try to understand what the problem is. They react and hope to move on. It’s easier and quicker to offer an explanation, excuse or apology without taking the time to listen or read (if the issue is presented in writing) and understand. They pick up on sound bites or scan a page, formulate a quick response and then start talking or writing.

Duncan: What’s the first thing that should be said in a risky conversation? Why?

Barbara Mitchell: In any tense conversation, admit that a problem exists and needs to be solved. Then commit to identifying and solving it. This is important because if issues are not identified and resolved, they don’t go away. They fester and grow into bigger problems and conflicts. Also, don’t be afraid to admit that emotions are present. Emotions are normal and natural. Acknowledging them makes it easier to manage them and the conversation.

Duncan: What are some good questions to ask in helping the other person put the real issue(s) on the table for discussion?

Gamlem: When trying to get to the root of an issue, it’s important to exchange information and points of view. The following questions can help you do that.

• Something’s been brought to my attention. Can we talk about this issue now, or would a time later today be better?
• You’re talking in sound bites. What are the facts behind them, please?
• What do we not know and what do we need to know? How can we get that information?

Duncan: For some people, “listening” means just waiting for their turn to rebut. How can they replace that destructive habit with genuine listening to understand?

Mitchell: Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message a speaker is attempting to convey. It encourages the other person to talk. It takes work and practice, but it’s worth the effort. Here’s how it works. While the speaker is talking, the active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion—a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow. Here are some phrases an active listener can use to show the speaker that she’s engaged:

• I’m puzzled. Would you mind repeating that?
• I can tell by your tone of voice that you’re excited about this.
• If that happened to me, I’d have the same reaction.

Duncan: It’s been said that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. What are some good ways to clarify expectations up front?

Gamlem: If people don’t understand what’s expected of them, the result can be confusion and conflict. There is a golden opportunity to expectations early, beginning with the interview and again at the start of the working relationship. The following are some phrases that can help set and clarify expectations:

• Let’s review some tasks that are part of your job.
• If there is something you don’t understand, let me know as soon as possible so I can explain it.
• It’s okay to admit what you don’t know.

Break Points -- Productivity Boosters or Waste of Time?

I imagine that most of us think that taking a break from work isn't a good thing. We've been conditioned to think that hard work is what pays off, and hard work is measured by how long we work -- right? 

Have you ever been praised for your ability to take frequent breaks from your tasks? No, most of us get reinforcement for "keeping our nose to the grindstone" -- a rather outdated phrase, but I bet you've heard it sometime in your working life!

Well, it appears that working long hours with no breaks doesn't make us more productive and, in fact, actually has a negative impact on productivity and certainly on creativity. And then there are the physical health benefits of taking breaks. 

You've probably heard that "sitting is the new smoking" adage -- sitting for long periods of time is not good for us. Recently, my internist told me to get up from my chair every 30 minutes, and I laughed at this suggestion until I started researching this article.

Since much of my time is spent writing books, blogs, and articles, the idea that I can get anything done in short periods of time didn't make sense to me. But I tried it, and yes, I can make real progress in 25 minutes. As a self-confessed procrastinator, I find that I'm able to get started on projects or assignments sooner when I think I only have to focus on them for 25 minutes -- it forces me to sit and write. I actually set the timer to remind me to get up -- and I set it in another room so I have to get up to turn it off!

Here's the hard part -- a break is not stopping to check email or just sneaking a look at Facebook or Instagram. A break is stepping away from your work for a short time to maybe take a walk around the office or the block. This kind of break allows you to clear your head so that when you return to your work, you're focused.

An article in The Atlantic.com on September 17, 2014, shares research that says the most productive schedule is to work for 52 minutes and then take a 17-minute break! They suggest that "rather than set your stop-watch for 17:00 when you get up from your desk, the more important reminder might be to get up at all."

There are other changes we can make that have both health and productivity payoffs -- try standing-up meetings. They tend to be shorter than sit-down meetings, so that's a productivity boost right there. Or how about walking meetings? Of course, the weather has to be good, and it can't be a large group of people or a meeting where you need a whiteboard or PowerPoint presentation. But how about a time when it's just you and a couple of colleagues discussing next steps on a project? 

We'd love to hear how you incorporate some of these ideas into your day and what works for you. And, right now, step away from your desk and take a break! You'll be more productive for it!

Harvest Season

It’s autumn – a season that’s named twice, fall and autumn – not a season that is generally thought of as a time of renewal. However, in autumn there is still a lot of activity going on. It’s the season of the harvest – when the final crops are coming in and being sold. Go to a local farm – even if you live in the heart of a large city, a trip to the farm or country is a great thing to do on a weekend. At the farm, you’ll see pumpkin patches, a sea of mums in all different fall colors, stacks of hay and hay rides, apples and apple cider, and often more. Go apple picking, drink cider and eat apple pie! If a farm isn’t your thing, go to a winery – they’re popping up all over. Grapes are being harvested and wine is being made. Go grape picking and drink wine! And there are all the fall craft fairs with handmade items! New things are all over.

Spring is often associated with newness and growth – the time when things are being planted and starting to come to life. There’s lots of creativity, innovation, and energy associated with this season of the year and this stage in the business life cycle – the introductory stage. Then comes the growth stage – summer. All those seeds that were planted are cultivated and grow. In the business cycle, the organization is managing all the ideas that were cultivated during the start-up phase and meeting the demands of its markets and clients, customers and stakeholders. 

Then comes fall – the air has a crispness to it. It’s invigorating. There is still lots of work to do. On the farms after the harvest, there’s cleanup from this year’s crop in order to get ready for next year’s growing season. Renew and sustain. In the business cycle, it’s the stage when organizations need to be flexible and contemplative. It’s time to harvest the results of hard work and review successes and lessons learned – what’s worked and what hasn’t. What can be renewed and repurposed? What is no longer working? Smart organizations are leveraging the products and services they have already cultivated during this maturity stage of the business life cycle and looking at beyond to determine what’s next. What new and exciting things can we plan to do to avoid going into decline and stay entrenched in the past? 

Recognizing and managing the various stages of the organization’s life cycle is important for leaders and the associates in an organization as well. As leaders, keep the heat of the summer season – the growth cycle – going even as winter – that pesky dormant phase approaches.  It’s during autumn – the maturity stage – when it’s critical for leaders to inform, influence and inspire their teams to be creative and innovative – to develop and cultivate new ideas and be ready to begin anew!

Ch, Ch, Ch, Changes

Driving through west Texas in July 2017, the turning windmills on the side of the road seemed to be dancing in synchrony – like a line of Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall in New York City dancing and kicking in a chorus line. I didn’t have to visit Holland after all to see windmills. What a great country we live in!  This was a big change from the oil wells I saw in east Texas, the first time I visited the state oh so long ago.  Not just the change in the landscape, but the change in technology to provide us energy. 

Later that month, an article in the business section of the Washington Post about clean energy caught my attention. American Electric Power, one of the nation’s largest power companies, announced plans to buy the nation’s biggest U.S. wind farms. The project is in Oklahoma (we drove through there first before getting to Texas) in cooperation with two renewable energy companies.  Through subsidiaries of AEP, the power generated through wind – a renewable energy source – would serve customers in four states – Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and Texas. The downside, AEP will be less reliant on coal plants for energy which will impact certain jobs. Change!

Change is hard – personally and professionally. Sometimes you see it coming; other times it’s unexpected.  Sometimes it’s planned by you, other times it’s imposed on you by others or by circumstance. Emotions are always present – some are positive while others are negative. The challenge is getting through it with the least amount of conflict – internal conflict and external conflict.

There’s been much in the news about the changing face of manufacturing in this country. Interestingly, government data shows that many factory works are quitting their jobs at the fastest pace in a decade. The indicators are that they think they can find work elsewhere. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that since June 2015 the share of employees voluntarily leaving the industry has risen from 1.1 percent to 1.6 percent.

An article in the Washington post in August 2017, talked about one man in the manufacturing sector who was taking advantage of his company’s education benefits and going back to school at age 53 to study psychology. He wants to help others who are challenged by industry changes and help them face them. Others took buyouts to start their own businesses – some to follow a passion that they hope they can turn into incomes. Career transitions are hard. I’ve done it many times – moving from employee to consultant to writer. You have to know the resources available to you. You have to move from perhaps being an expert to being a student.

How do you tackle change? It’s so easy to get stuck daily routines and the pace of your work. Stepping out of your comfort zone – even occasionally – can help prepare your for change. When you stop starting (something new) you stop. So explore and challenge yourself by learning something new – in your personal live, in your professional life, in your organization or industry. 

While change is often uncomfortable, it can also bring a whole new energy level. The challenge is getting through the change and getting to the other side!

15 Phrases That Will Help You Better Understand a Hard Conversation By Marissa Levin

I've had the opportunity to dig into a new book that I believe will solve many communications problems for anyone who reads it: "The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.”  It has more than 2,000 phrases to address virtually any type of workplace conflict, but of course we can apply these theories to our personal relationships too. 

In today's distracted environment where people are concurrently checking or being interrupted by their devices while having conversations, or are having more "conversations" via text, we are all vulnerable to being misunderstood, and we are more likely to misunderstand others. Communication is simply much more challenging.

"The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book" provides us with these phrases we can use when a communications breakdown or misunderstanding is likely.

Here are 15 to help us be more engaged, and to encourage our partner to share more.

1. What happened?
2. Can you give me an example?
3. It seems like we are having a hard time being clear with each other. Can we start over?
4. I appreciate your undivided attention. It lets me know you are listening to what I have to say.
5. Every time you look at your [phone, watch, computer], you signal that this conversation is not important.
6. So your main concern is [x].
7. You look puzzled. Should I repeat that?
8. You look excited. What do you want to tell me?
9. Is this what you said?
10. I hope I am not jumping to conclusions, but what I heard you say was [x].
11. Tell me more about [x].
12. Just so we are clear, here is what I heard you say.
13. That's very interesting. Go on, I would like to hear more.
14. What happened next?
15. Really?

We all know how it feels to be engaged in a conversation at work and feel that we are not being heard, or that the other person isn't "there" with us. By being more cognizant of how we are coming across in a conversation, and by actively listening to what is being said, we maximize the opportunity for not only greater clarity, but also for a deeper connection.

Here are 10 reasons to engage in active listening:

1. You better understand people.
2. You can start new conversations.
3. You can intelligently answer questions and make informed decisions.
4. You can correct misconceptions.
5. You can increase your own knowledge.
6. You can learn a new perspective.
7. You can correct your own false assumptions.
8. You can stay relevant and current.
9. You can learn specific language and lingo for an organization or project.
10. You can direct your conversation partner to additional sources of support once you understand their situation.

Active listening starts with our own self-awareness of how we may come to conversations with filters or with closed minds. Once we clear the block that may be preventing us from listening fully, we open the potential for unlimited understanding, connection, and attainment of knowledge.

Good luck!

This article originally appeared in Inc.com on August 30, 2017

The Writing Life

“Give yourself permission to write a sh...y first draft.” Seriously, that was one piece of advice we heard from the bestselling novelist, Lisa Scottoline, at the 2017 Writer's Digest Annual Conference. We’ve been making the trip to New York City to attend this conference for the past five years where we get to hear from successful authors who generously share ideas about their writing process. We learn about the business and craft of writing from people who’ve succeeded beyond our wildest dreams: 

• “Writing is a playground. You have to know the toys you're playing with.” Hallie Ephron

• “I write 2,000 words a day.” Lisa Scottoline

• “I write in 17 minute bursts.” Jane Clellan

• “The moment you finish a book, start the next. The tank is on empty, but once you start writing, it fills up.” Richard Russo

Writing is a journey, and no two authors share the same adventure or challenge--unless they write with someone as we do.  Our journey over the past year has been exhilarating, frustrating, exciting, and nonstop. 

Starting in late summer and through the fall of 2016, we began work on the second edition of The Big Book of HR. We convinced the publisher to do this given the changes taking place impacting the HR profession. Finding the information to update the book was easy. Making revisions directly on the old manuscript was the challenge. We couldn't have done it without guidance and help from Susan Devereaux, our wonderful assistant. It wasn't just writing the revisions that consumed our time. The book cover which the publisher designed had to be reviewed and approved. Catalogue copy had to be written for the publisher. And there were our day jobs. 

During this same time period, the publisher proposed, and we accepted the challenge to write The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.  Contract signed in early November, no problem. We still had until mid-December to submit the manuscript to the publisher for The Big Book of HR, and Susan would need it sooner to edit. We could do some preliminary writing now and give it full attention in the new year.

Needless to say, our time during the late fall and through the winter of 2016 was consumed with writing. The manuscript for The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book was due in mid-March. Finish one, start the next. Of course, an author’s work isn't complete once the manuscript is submitted. We also had to be available to multiple editors for the levels of editorial review of The Big Book of HR, while we were writing the The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book.

Back to The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book, once again, book cover review and requests to write catalogue copy.  Granted, the process of writing this book was different, it always is, but the book still needed to be written. And there were our day jobs. Yes we’ve heard plenty of stories from other authors about how they manage writing and still keep their day jobs. 

Spring 2017 arrived. Manuscript for The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book was submitted and we were available once again for multiple stages of editorial review through the spring and summer. September 18, 2017 is the publication date. 

Did we mention that the publisher pitched, and we accepted another title?  Contract signed in August, 2017. Cover review, catalogue copy in progress. Writing has begun. End one, start the next. Stay tuned for the next portion of this journey and we hope you’ll check out our books that we work hard to make as useful as possible and thanks for your support.

Cornelia & Barbara

What You Do Matters!

I felt my body chill, as if my blood were running cold. I was at the U.S Holocaust Memorial Museum standing in the replica of a family's room in the Ghetto.  I listened a woman say “My mother would never talk about it." I stood there frozen. I couldn't begin to imagine the horror her mother experienced, I told her, barely getting the words out.

I visited the Holocaust Museum in DC that day for an explicit reason. My son is student teaching this semester and his 9th grade class is reading The Diary of Anne Frank and studying the Holocaust. Perhaps I could find material to enhance those lessons. Since I've been through the entire museum before, this time I only explored one exhibit Remember the Children: Daniel's Story. When I left, a couple approached me asking if I'd take their picture in front of the museum’s sign. Of course I did. Without asking, I knew they were not mere DC tourists. This experience was personal on some level for them. Their faces were beaming as I snapped several photos. Their gratitude was evident.  I was curious. I really wanted to learn their story, their connection to this horrible history, but didn't want to intrude. Atrocities are often best left unsaid.

Reflecting on the incident as I made my way home, I wondered if by complying with their simple request to take their picture, if I engaged in an act of Radical Kindness. Radical Kindness is about showing the world that kindness, no matter how small, makes a big difference in others’ lives and in your own. It complements a saying I saw in the Museum -- What You Do Matters. What a powerful message.

There are so many powerful leadership lessons we can draw from that saying.  Actions have consequences. We all need to be accountable. James Damore, the Googler who wrote and posted an internal memo critical of the company's diversity policies, was not practicing radical kindness. Promoting stereotypes is not kind. It wasn’t his beliefs that got him fired, it was his actions. They had consequences. What you do matters.

Build a culture of kindness in your organization, especially if your organization’s values include honesty, integrity and respect. Kindness can be a powerful intervention. It can foil tensions from escalating. It can stop conflict in its tracks. What you do matters.

I recently learned that the founder of LaMadeleine the French Country Café chain, when he visited restaurants, first went into the kitchens to speak with the cooks and dishwashers, next made his way out to the cashiers and team members who worked directly with the customers, and only then did he seek out the managers. What you do matters.

As leaders, go out of your way to be gracious. Walk around your organization. Talk to all the employees – ask them how they are doing. Take a moment to be genuinely curious about them in a purposeful, genuine, and respectful way. Offer a kind word. Tell them they’re doing great work!  What you do matters.