5 Myths About Workplace Conflict

#1:  Conflict is always negative and should be avoided at work.

Quite the contrary. When problems are hidden or masked, they aren’t solved. They fester and grow into bigger problems. Workplace conflict is often creativity and innovation trying to happen and savvy organizations look for ways to embrace and optimize conflict. When people sit down and talk, calmly and rationally, information and different viewpoints are exchanged which can lead to innovative solutions and better working relationships. Embrace the idea that conflict is essential in the workplace if it’s part of a creative and engaged culture that wants the organization to grow and thrive.

#2:  Difficult people are almost always the cause of conflict.

People’s behavior, not the individual, can cause difficulty. While bad behavior is certainly a contributing cause of conflict, it’s not the only cause. Lack of realistic expectations is a big contributor to conflict. People need to know what their jobs entail and what success in their individual role looks like.  Change is another contributing factor. Change is uncomfortable for many people – so get ahead of it. To lessen the likelihood of conflicts from change, communicate early and often.

#3:  The problem at the root of a conflict is usually obvious.

Too often people assume that they understand the root cause of a problem and jump to conclusions. Getting to the source involves dialogue, conversations and some detective work. There are a number of skills and techniques that you have to employ: attending skills which put everyone on an even level; encouraging skills enabled others to elaborate; clarifying skills to reduce ambiguity and establish clarity; and reflecting skills that allow the opportunity to restate in your own words what you’ve hear the other person say. Get good information by varying the types of questions you ask, such as open-ended questions, close-ended questions, fact-based questions or opinion-based questions.

#4:  In conflict, there are always winners and losers.

This is true if you follow the theory of position-based bargaining, but it won’t solve the problem or resolve the conflict. A better approach is interest-based problem solving. When you focus on interests – what’s best for everyone involved – it makes dialogue and discussion central to resolution. Explaining interests and why they are important creates an opportunity to stand in each other’s’ shoes and contemplate the problem from a different viewpoint. It can uncover mutual interests and values and helps everyone make more informed decisions.

#5:  It’s a manager’s responsibility to intervene and fix problems on her team.

Managers often find themselves trapped in the middle of a situation involving members of their team – situations or issues that are not theirs to solve, and a typical reaction is to intervene. Unless a problem involves behavior or performance that needs to be addressed, a manager doesn’t necessarily own it – the employees do. Employees need the freedom and authority to solve problems that relate to their work, without a solution being imposed on them. A guiding principal—in fact a golden rule—of conflict resolution is that the problem should be solved by the individuals who own it.

Conflict and Collaboration

Every time we enter into conflict, there is an opportunity for us to learn and grow. It takes awareness, internal motivation and a conscious decision to move from the mindset and “stuck-ness” of conflict to whole-heartedly grasping a focus on learning and growth. By doing this, you are creating a transformation of mental and physical “life-force” from conflict to growth. This is “magic” of a divine kind. I encourage you to ponder on this.

Growth includes change, learning, expansion, development, insight, awareness, discovery and a growth like the budding leaf on a tree telling us that Spring is about to arrive. Now let’s attach these words to conflict and identify aspects of growth.

• Conflict can inspire change of mind, heart, position, perception, understanding and what we know or believe.
• Conflict can result in learning something new about ourselves or someone else.
• Conflict increases our blood pressure and stress level yet also expands our knowledge about our ownership and passion of what is important to us.
• Conflict can help us identify and learn about our own values.
• Conflict can help us develop discrimination between what is healthy or unhealthy for our body, mind and spirit.
• Conflict can give us insights about our emotions and what triggers others’ emotions. We can gain insights about what hinders or helps us grow.
• Conflict can make us aware of differences we have with each other, as friends, enemies, family or a spouse.
• Conflict can help us discover different things about who we are and how we live and work.
• Conflict can help us use vulnerability to realize and manifest potential new buds and blooms of our humanity.

Here are some ways to move from conflict to collaboration:

• Choose to grow and learn from each other versus doing battle.
• See differences as good, necessary and connections of oneness.
• Focus on the blending and merging of uniqueness.
• Pay attention to strengths, skills and wisdom that you have in common with others.
• Consider the harmonics of a barbershop quartet and visualize harmony that you and others can produce together.
• Check out the many new available resources of all kinds that result in working together.
• Combine information, knowledge and visions of what can be.
• Share questions and desires.
• Explore what you know and don’t know.
• Take two great teams and create an even better team of unbelievable synergy.
• Look for connections where we usually see differences.
• Create new relationships out of old estrangement and indifference.

Moving from conflict to collaboration enables and creates a new life and world for everyone. The journey from conflict to collaboration is about a path purpose here on earth. EnJoy collaboration!

Remember: Check out “The Big Book of HR” by Barbara Mitchell and Cornelia Gamlem, it has great additional information about the topics of this entire series.

Thanks to Bernie Linnartz of Empowerment Experts This article was originally published in Taos News on May 19, 2016.

Happy Holidays!

No, I’m not declaring a “War on Christmas!” Don't get me wrong.  I love this season with all the lights, decorations, and songs.  I have so many fond family memories of decorating the Christmas tree with my siblings and father -- laughing and squabbling.  And baking cookies with my mother -- "don't forget to burn one tray because your father likes the burnt ones."

Anymore, the Christmas or Holiday season can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Halloween candy is still on the shelves when the Christmas decorations go up. The race begins on Black Friday (or earlier) to get the best gifts, the most gifts at the lowest price.  There are lights to be strung, songs to be sung, and decorations to be hung. These days I see a holiday that has become over-commercialized.   

The world I grew up in is so different from the world I now live in. People come from many diverse religious and cultural backgrounds.  Not everyone celebrates the holiday, and if they do they bring different rituals and customs to it.  So I don’t make assumptions and I don’t automatically wish everyone I encounter, “Merry Christmas!” But I may inquire how they will spend the holiday season. One of our biggest strengths comes from our ability to learn from people who are different than we are.

For me as a child – gifts and Santa aside – one of the best things about Christmas was going into Manhattan with my father for a day, seeing the tree in Rockefeller Center and walking with him down Fifth Avenue and looking in the store windows decorated with Christmas themes. This was a special place and it was magical. Oh, and for Barbara and I that magic came alive this summer when we entered Barnes and Nobel on Fifth Avenue to see The Big Book of HR displayed as a “Top Pick in Business.” It was Christmas in August!

Even cultures that celebrate Christmas, have different traditions. Some cultures that I didn’t think of as celebrating Christmas, have traditions associated with it.  I was surprised when I visited China in December 2008 to see Christmas decorations and hear Christmas music playing. Religion aside, for me the month leading up to Christmas is filled with wonder and light -- the excitement before the gloomy days and nights of January and February. It's a reflective period, one of hope and compassion. Whether you celebrate Christmas, another holiday, or no holiday at all, do you take any meaning from this time leading up to a new calendar year? Are those meanings reflected in any of your traditions?

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” Theodor Seuss Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)

Thanksgiving – A Time to Reflect

Children in classrooms around the country have been making crafts from construction paper this month – Pilgrim hats, “Indian headdresses, leaves, pine cones – symbols of fall and Thanksgiving culture. Stories will be told in school about how the Indigenous people of North America (Native Americans) shared their harvest feast with the starving English settlers -- turkey, waterfowl, venison, fish, lobster, clams, berries, fruit, pumpkin, and squash. Not exactly the turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, yams and pumpkin pie on this week’s Thanksgiving table.

For the Wampanog tribe, the purpose of the harvest feast was to give thanks for the bounty of food that the growing season had produced -- for the rain and the sunshine which caused the plants that bore the food to grow.  Giving thanks is integral to the Native American culture.  The harvest celebrations allow a time to reflect on being thankful, to be with family, and to count blessings. 

The Wampanoags were caring people who lent a hand to the settlers who were, at the time, less fortunate.  They were heroes who shared their celebration with the Pilgrims.  Yet somehow this has become lost.

Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving is designated as our country's official day to pay homage to Native American heritage and culture?  Somehow, this too has become lost.  Black Friday (and now Gray Thursday) morphed into the official kickoff of the "holiday" shopping season where we pay homage to retail.

As the year draws to a close, it’s time to reflect and pay homage to the people and things that are important.  This year we’ve got a great deal to be thankful for and would like to take a moment to reflect on the people who helped us with our success. We couldn’t have made The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook a reality without them. Shout outs to Susan Devereaux, our virtual assistant, for editing and formatting the manuscript and keeping us on track; Marilyn Allen, our literary agent, for her help and; the staff at Career Press for continuing to believe in us; Sharon Armstrong, our biggest cheerleader; and our many friends and family members who labored through the writing process and gave us encouragement.

Reflect on accomplishments and celebrate successes in your organization.   Give thanks to the people who made those successes happen.  Reflect on your own organizations culture -- it traditions and celebrations.  Review the past, look to the future and take some time to just be!

8 Ways to be a Superstar at Work

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to do a good job at work but I hope you don’t just want to do a good job--you want to be a superstar!  If that’s who you are, here are some things you can do to set yourself apart!

.      Be open to feedback on your performance. Be sure you understand what you’re being tasked to accomplish and if you aren’t clear, ask clarifying questions.  Ask for and listen to feedback from your manager and co-workers and take it to heart.  Strive to exceed expectations—no matter what you’re asked to do!

2.     Be positive. People want to work with others who approach situations with an optimistic spirit.  Smile and greet your co-workers on your way to your desk.  Do your best to enjoy your work to the extent possible—it is work after all!  If you find you aren’t enjoying your work, take a hard look at yourself and your organization—it may be time to move on.

3.     Be an effective communicator. Be sure that everything you write, from texts to board reports, is as well written as you know how.  Ask a colleague to proof read documents that are going to senior management or the board of directors.  Hone your listening skills so that you listen to hear and to understand!  Work on your presentation skills so that when asked, you’ll be ready, willing, and able to be professional.

4.     Be a team player. Whatever your role is in the organization, odds are you will work with others.  Hold up your end of any project you’re working on.  Meet your deadlines so that you don’t hold others up.  Support your fellow employees in their work whenever possible to ensure success for all. Don’t feel that someone has to lose for you to win—look for ways for everyone to come out ahead.

5.     Be self-motivated. Volunteer for task forces or projects to gain valuable experience.  Look for ways to take on assignments that will make your boss look good—you’ll learn and grow while earning some valuable credibility in the organization. Take on assignments and challenges to stretch your skill set. Don’t wait to be asked to do something—jump in where you can!

6.     Be a life-long learner. It’s your responsibility to always be learning and growing in your field so take advantage of any learning opportunity your organization offers.  If they don’t provide learning, look for ways you can do this on your own. There are tons of free webinars and podcasts you can access in addition to books, articles, and other information sources.  Consider taking classes at your local university.  Get an advanced degree or complete your undergraduate or associates degree—especially if your organization offers tuition assistance. Look for a mentor in or out of your organization to help you grow.

7.     Be flexible. Change is inevitable and how you react to change can have a huge impact on your career.  Be as adaptable as you can be and look for the positive things change can bring—including innovation.

8.     Be dependable. Always keep your commitment and be someone the organization can count on.   Watch for ways to add value to your organization so that you’re seen as someone who brings something extra to the job!

Is This For Real?

At an event I attended, a commentator said that in a conflict it's the perceived facts rather than the real facts that are important. Yes, I agree that perceptions may give rise to conflict, but if you want to resolve them, getting the underlying facts is critical.

Perceived facts are often rooted in assumptions. I read a perfect example of how assumptions can start controversy. I often read Carolyn Hax' column in The Washington Post. A recent column was based on an on-line discussion. The original writer described a common situation – someone gets on an elevator and rides it only one floor and the action is often met with snide comments or rude stares. The writer happened to know an individual with a hidden disability who must limit her use of stairs. Someone chimed in admitting she was an occasional eye-roller, and she didn't understand what "hidden disability" meant, but went on to profess that obesity is a huge problem in this country that's consuming health-care resources.

Wait! The original writer never said anything about obesity. She didn't say anything about the nature of her friend's hidden disability. It was the anonymous responder – the eye-roller – who, absent having any facts, made an assumption and reached an erroneous conclusion. Carolyn Hax made the excellent point in her reply that "silent judgments" are not harmless, but rather they are dehumanizing and can be deeply polarizing.

I was cringing as I read the column, thinking of how the discussion might have played out had it happened in the workplace. Things could have turned toxic quickly. Some of the questions I would have liked to have asked the occasional eye roller:

1.     From the information presented, what makes you believe that all hidden disabilities are related to obesity?

2.     Can you explain why you are assigning blame?

3.     If you don’t understand what a hidden disability is, can you help me understand how you have come to make a silent judgment about someone?

I would have asked the original writer more about the nature of her friend's disability, not to pry, but from a curiosity point of view – to genuinely learn and gain a broader understanding.

The eye-roller made statements based on her perceptions and assumptions. They were certainly lacking in understanding and respect. As a result, she made, as Ms. Hax noted, "baseless judgments."

In any conflict, it's important to have the real facts. Otherwise, comments, or worse, insults, get batted back and forth and nothing gets solved. "What's the Problem" is the title of one of the chapters in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. It's devoted to getting and giving good information – in other words, the real facts.

Critical Conversations

Critical conversations occur when we talk about things that really matter and can make a difference. Critical conversations happen best in a comfortable place and space. When critical conversations happen there is a higher probability for conflicts to be resolved, harmony to be established and for many other good things to happen.

Some of my best management consulting and coaching experiences have been when a client is ready, willing and able to deal with a strategic issue. Strategic issues are topics, situations and dynamics that we typically want to ignore, dismiss, hide or forget about. They are those “things going on” that are uncomfortable to talk about and require us to be vulnerable. How many of those types of issues are haunting you, your family or your business right now?

To move toward and actually have a critical conversation is a matter of time, truth, trust and willingness to touch where it hurts the most. Let’s think through this carefully:

Take the time: Now is the time to take adequate time to deal with the matter(s) at hand. We too easily let time be an excuse. When we deal with the strategic issue, we will save time and here is why. Strategic issues are road blocks that stand in the way of important things getting done. They zap time and create inefficiency.

Tell the truth: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth – so help yourself.

Trust: It is trusting yourself and the other person(s) involved to handle what needs to happen to the extent that things can get unstuck and move forward freely. The time must be taken. The truth will set you free to say what must be said and to do what must be done. Be competent, confident and consistent with each other.

Touch where it hurts:  I mean this sincerely and literally. Act with words and a physical touch. Speak with specifics and touch the real pain. It may well be an actual thing or symbolic. We may need to touch our head pointing to our mind, our heart meaning a deep heartache or it may be a hug of care, love, support or forgiveness. Talk about the issue openly and touch what needs to be faced and healed.

Barbara and Cornelia encourage us to ask direct, open-ended questions and ask for concrete information. Here are examples from The Big Book of HR:

·       Tell me more.

·       Help me better understand.

·       Tell me why this is important.

·       What leads you to say that?

·       Give me an example.

·       How would that work?

·       Can you say a little more about how you see things?

Also: Be an active listener:

·       Be patient. Avoid interrupting

·       Resist the urge to formulate a response until after the speaker is finished

·       Listen for feelings as well as facts.

Find many more ideas in chapter 26 of The Big Book of HR.

At home and at work, critical conversations can change lives. If you don’t take the opportunity, maybe no one else in the world ever will.

Bernie Linnartz, of Empowerment Experts, consultant, coach and facilitator

This article originally appeared in the Taos News on May 5, 2016

Stay in Your Lane?

I am frequently on a road where I see a sign that says, “Stay in Lane”.  The area is under construction so there’s lots of equipment entering the road so I kind of understand why they have that sign but seeing it reminded me of an executive I worked with some years ago.

We’d be in a staff meeting and ideas were being exchanged and suddenly someone would offer up suggestion outside their sphere of influence.  For example, the discussion would be on sales and if I, the HR executive, would chime in with a thought, he would say, “Stay in your lane.” This happened all the time until we all stopped participating in these discussions.  I would only speak if the issue pertained to me.

Did this work?  Not at all!  Business slowed down and slowly but surely, each of the executive team found other jobs. Last I heard they were acquired by a larger firm and no one I worked with there survived—especially the leader who wanted us to stay in our lane!

What savvy executives try to do is to not put their people or their functions in lanes but encourage staffers to learn and support the business as a whole and to collaborate to find the best possible solutions.  This is especially true for those of us in human resources—the more we know and understand the entire business, the greater our impact is on the organization.

In our book, The Big Book of HR, I share the story of the” late Pam Farr, the brilliant and strategic HR executive at Marriott International who used to tell the story that she would time herself in senior leadership meetings…and wait at least 20 minutes before bringing up a HR related issue. All the while, she would be actively engaged in the marketing or finance discussions.  This positioned her as a valued partner to other executives who saw her first as a business colleague and then as the HR leader she was.”

What if she’d “stayed in her lane?”  Would she have been as successful as she was but more importantly, would the company have been as successful as it is without her input?

My advice to you is to cross lanes when you can. Learn as much as you can about the business you’re in and speak up. Add your voice to any discussion and see where it takes you!

It’s Cloudy Out There

I entered a local eatery recently and approached the station for placing orders. A gentleman was standing in front of me, but off to the side, so I inquired if he was in line. He said he was, and then apologized for standing there slouching. “My mother always told me not to slouch,” he said. This led us to a conversations about things our mothers told us not to do, and other words of wisdom our generation learned from an older generations.

His turn came, he went to place his order. As the next cashier became available, a young woman walked past me and usurped my rightful turn.  The cashier, who knows me by name and witnessed what happened quickly apologized as I signaled her to go ahead with that order. She later rewarded my patience with a free cookie – but that’s not my point.

The young woman who took my place in line was so engrossed in her smartphone that she oblivious to her surroundings. Not only that, she was not a witness to her own behavior. Fortunately, she only walked in front of me rather than in front of a car that someone was driving. Her behavior shouted to me because of two different events I’d attended the day before. As I ate my lunch, I couldn’t help but ponder it further.

The morning event was a discussion about the importance of self-awareness for leaders. This quickly evolved into the role it plays in all our lives – the depth and breadth of your awareness and importance of being present. The topic of peripheral vision somehow emerged and one participant shared the difficultly he had teaching his children to drive. He commented that he came to realize that since they were so used to being focused on electronic devices, they had not developed the ability to view their surroundings with a wide-angle lens. 

The evening event was a discussion about civility in America. One of the topics that was explored by the panel, who included Lizzy Post – a millennial member of THE Post family – was entitlement versus empathy. They talked of entitlement in terms of individuals feeling entitled to be comfortable – to dress, talk, act the way that’s comfortable for them. If empathy is lacking – more precisely, the ability the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation:the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation:the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation:the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation:the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation:the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situationto share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it  like would be like to be in that person’s situation – incivility can quickly follow.

Millennials often are regarded as, or worse labeled as, “self-absorbed.” I don’t like labels because they imply stereotypes and stereotypes lead to bias. However, thinking about this young woman who took my place in line, it became evident why this notion of a self-absorbed generation originated. It’s the result of observed behavior. Behavior such as hers demonstrates a lack of awareness – not being present in the moment – which gets interpreted as a lack of consideration for others.

My mother always said that actions speak louder than words. She had a great deal of wise words.

My words of wisdom for this week to folks from any generation is to get you head out of The Cloud. Get grounded – not by spending your time looking down but by gaining more awareness of what’s happening around you. 

Workplace Bullying—It’s a Bottom Line Issue!

Bullies are all around us—even at work!  According to a recent study by The Workplace Bullying Institute, nearly 30% of us have been bullied at work.  Bullying can have serious implications for both the victim but also on the organization as a whole. 

Bullying left unchecked can impact morale and increase turnover if employees who are not being bullied see that their leadership isn’t dealing with the bully and decide that they’d rather work elsewhere.  So, bullying can impact productivity and the bottom line.  Bullying can also have a ripple effect—bullies breed other bullies!

What is Workplace Bullying?

Workplace bullying is defined as the repeated infliction of international, malicious, and abusive behavior that interferes with a person’s ability to do his/her work and is substantial enough to cause physical and/or psychological harm that a reasonable person would find hostile or offensive.

Workplace bullying can take many forms including:

·       Shouting or screaming at a co-worker

·       Singling out a co-worker for unjustified criticism or blame

·       Excluding a co-worker from work activities or social events

·       Ignoring work contributions

·       Using language that embarrasses or humiliates a co-worker

·       Making jokes that repeatedly target the same person

The bad news is that bullies can be anyone in the organization—including managers and leaders.  I knew of a CEO who seemed to enjoy picking one person a week to bully.  In staff meetings he would verbally attack the selected individual and go at them until the rest of the leadership team was ready to bolt from the room or climb under the table.  Not only were they incredibly sorry for their colleague, they knew their turn was coming.

I’ve seen employees bully their boss and others bully a peer.  So, organizations must realize that, if anyone can be a bully and anyone can be bullied, having a policy against bullying is their first defense.  Policies can be helpful but to really have an impact, the policy has to be enforced and the subject of bullying discussed so that everyone knows the organization has zero tolerance for bullies.

Elements of a Workplace Bullying Policy

A workplace bullying policy should include:

·       Purpose or objective of the policy

·       Who it covers (all employees, managers, executives,)

·       Definition of workplace bullying*

·       Examples of behaviors that will not be tolerated

·       How to report workplace bullying

·       Investigation process

·       Consequences of workplace bullying

Communication Process

Once you have your policy developed, this is a great time for a communication blitz on the topic of workplace bullying.  Train managers on how to spot bullying and how to report it and on how your policy works.  Hold meetings with all employees to discuss the policy and the consequences of workplace bullying.

Let everyone know that each person has a responsibility to keep bullying out of your organization. This is another place where “if you see it, say it” applies.  Everyone should be aware of what constitutes bullying behavior and what to do if it happens to them or if they see it happening around them.  Silence validates bullying behaviors and, since we know bullying can have a negative effect on the organization as a whole, each employee should be expected to monitor the behaviors around them.

Employees need to know that if they are the victim of bullying behavior, the first step should be to let the bully know that they are not going to accept it.  Then, they should let their manager or HR know it happened.  If their physical well-being is threatened, they should leave the room or building and call in for help.  Most bullying in the workplace is verbal so this may not be an issue but it certainly should be discussed.

Bottom Line

Most of us want to work for organizations where we feel productive and where our contributions to be valued.  Workplace bullying can impact our organization’s productivity and therefore, our bottom line.  Organizations today can’t afford to be silent on this issue—it’s too important to be overlooked.

This article was originally published on HR.BLR.com on October 12, 2015