Curious about Conflict?

 

Since we’ve written two books about conflict, The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook and The Conflict Resolution Phrase Book, we’ve done a number of interviews on the subject. To end Workplace Conflict Awareness Month, we’re going to share some of our favorite questions with some updated answers. 

Question: What are some tips you have for managers and business owners on handling conflict within their businesses whether it’s with their employees or other business associates? 

Answer:  Conflict is often creativity trying to happen, but keep in mind that creativity is a process. Creativity can bring fresh ideas into the organization. So, don’t always be quick to avoid conflict, unless it becomes destructive.  

Value and manage the relationships in your workforce. Everyone makes contributions and brings different ideas. Welcome new and different perspectives.  Well-managed conflict can be very positive in moving relationships and the organization along.

Finally, identify the problem at the root of the conflict so you’re certain you’re addressing the right issue.  Ask good questions and give good information.  Don’t get hung up on extraneous and irrelevant facts that have nothing to do with the issue. Resolving a conflict is really solving a problem.

Question: You mentioned well-managed conflicts. What are some ways you can assure a conflict is a well-managed one?

Answer: Listening is key to maintaining good relationships and getting good information. In a well-managed conflict, people share varying ideas, and the others should be listening without judgment, and not thinking how they are going to respond to the speaker.  If you stop and acknowledge “I’m going to hear what he or she is say without getting defensive or argumentative,” you can have some pretty amazing results. 

Take the time to really listen to each other. In doing so, it may occur to you that you never thought about what the other person is saying, and that may spark a good discussion. 

If you’re asked a question, pay attention and answer the question that’s asked.  Giving information that’s not relevant is frustrating and can derail an otherwise effective conversation.

Question:  Organizational change is constant in today’s business environment.  How can managers help employees deal with change to minimize conflict?

Answer: “Spring is a lovely reminder of how beautiful change can truly be.” And in 2021, spring has never looked brighter after a year-long pandemic that we’re emerging from.

Change can be uncomfortable for everyone, but it can also bring new energy into the organization. The challenge is getting through it. We’ve experienced lots of changes in 2020, and organizations are preparing for new ones as people head back to work.

Managers must recognize that people respond to change in different ways. Don’t forget that every individual employee has different needs during these times. Listen carefully when change is announced in your organization so you are comfortable explaining the change to your employees. 

Be honest with employees and explain what is driving the change. Communicate realistic expectations. For example, if your organization is moving to new working arrangements, employees will want to know where they fit in a changing organization. Be flexible and ready to adjust expectations as things progress. 

To learn more about our books on conflict management, visit our website at https://www.bigbookofhr.com/the-conflict-books

How Are They Doing?

While a good manager always pays attention to their staff, right now is a critical time to lean closer to hear how they’re doing.

With so much uncertainty still facing us, and with the personal pressures your staff may be experiencing because of virtual learning, anxiety of getting vaccinated, and who knows what else, you should be paying close attention to just how people are feeling.

Here’s a simple idea to try—ask, “How are you feeling today or this week or right now?” Of course, you must sincerely want to know how that person is feeling, and you must listen carefully to the response you get. Be sure to ask all the employees on your team.

Don’t be surprised if you get a casual response at first because they aren’t sure you really want to know the truth. How can you convince them to open up? By sharing how you’re feeling and that may not be easy for some of you.

We’ve shared tips in previous blogs about the power of showing vulnerability, but this is even more personal. What if you shared how stressed you are and what you’re doing to move through the stress? Your team will see an entirely different side of you and that you are just as vulnerable to the stresses of our current work environment as they are.

You should have the “how are you doing” conversation privately, but you can share your own stressors with your team at your weekly meeting—whether it is virtual or in person. 

If you hear things from your team in your one-on-one conversations that you can change or impact in some practical way, move as quickly as possible. Maybe it’s a change in their schedule that could make their day a lot simpler to navigate. Maybe it’s a deadline that could be adjusted. Maybe it’s a report that they think has outlived its usefulness and if they could stop doing it, the time they saved could make all the difference in their productivity or in their personal life.

So, show your human side and don’t worry—they will respect you even more than they already do, and you could make a real difference in a life. That difference might save an employee from resigning due to competing schedules and wouldn’t that be worth it all?

Barbara Mitchell

The Legend of Larry King

 

It seems to me that we are losing a lot of amazing people lately. I’m thinking of the recent death of broadcast legend Larry King. HE will be missed.

When Larry was on CNN five nights a week, I tuned in as often as I could—especially if his interview was with someone I either admired or knew could teach me something.

What I didn’t think about until reading all the tributes to Mr. King was the things I was also learning from watching him interview people from all walks of life and doing it in a way that appeared to be effortless.

In my HR career, I’ve interviewed thousands of job applicants, so I know a little about how to gather information during an interview. Now that I am a published author, I’ve been interviewed many times for radio, podcasts, and webinars as well as a speaker at conferences and meetings. So, I’ve seen interviews from both sides.

Larry King had a wonderful way of getting people to talk. He made them feel comfortable. He asked the questions any of us would have asked if we’d met the person, but most importantly, he listened to their responses.

When asked about his tips for interviewing, he said, “I open with broad questions, listen carefully, focus on details, interrupt if the person filibusters or grows boring, and have the discipline to stay out of the way.”

In our book, The Manager’s Answer Book, we talk about the importance of being a good listener. We say on page 126, “Listening is hard work for most of us, and we’ve spent little time learning how to listen. A good listener makes a deliberate effort to understand the other person’s message. A good listener listens to learn, is interested in what the speaker is saying, and lets the speaker know they’re listening.”

Larry King said he wasn’t afraid to sound like he didn’t know everything—another key to being a good interviewer and manager He said he was willing to admit he knew a lot less than his interview subject. This is another good piece of advice to anyone who wants to be a good listener.

He excelled at concentrating on what the interview subject was sharing. He wasn’t focused on what his next question would be. He really listened to what was being said because he trusted his instincts to come up with the next question. 

This last point takes some work but can be done. We wish you well as you work to become a better listener.

Barbara Mitchell

Trust, Transparency, and Vulnerability

 

Sometimes, people link trust to transparency as if they are either interchangeable or one is dependent on the other. I do believe a successful leader must be trusted by their followers and that a leader should be as transparent as humanly possible -- especially when so much of our work is being done remotely.

We know that trust isn't something a leader can demand or even build. Trust must be earned. Trust is earned when we demonstrate competence, reliability, honesty, and kindness. According to Rachel Botsman, an academic and author at Oxford University, "trust is earned in the smallest moments, not through heroic deeds or highly visible acts."

We also know that employees always seem to want to know more than they probably need to or should know. And if you say you are being transparent and then legitimately hold back information the staff thinks should be shared, will their level of trust be diminished? Maybe yes, and then what?

Here's a thought. What if we didn't link transparency to trust but instead coupled it with vulnerability? How might that help leaders earn trust?

Patrick Lencioni, author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, says that strong leaders are the ones who aren't afraid to show vulnerability -- especially when they admit they don't have all the answers. When we show vulnerability to our employees and it is authentic, we're going a long way toward earning the trust of our teams. A vulnerable leader can inspire greatness and engender trust.

Showing vulnerability can also encourage questions that might lead to workplace solutions. When the leader acknowledges they don't have all the answers, it encourages others to share their ideas and maybe even share their own vulnerability. 

Other ways to build trust are:

• Live your values every day
• Listen more than you talk
• Get to know your employees and trust them to make good decisions
• Operate in a way that encourages openness and transparency
• Treat everyone with respect
• Show your employees that you value them as individuals -- not just for their work
• Communicate often
• Set clear expectations and hold people accountable

Be transparent when you can, trust your team, and let them see your "not so perfect" side from time to time, and odds are you will earn the trust of your staff. 

Answer the Question You Were Asked

“When will you need the funds by?” asked the teller. “It’s okay. I’ll pay the bill from another account,” the customer responded. Interesting comment and information, but it didn’t answer the simple question the teller asked.

Have you ever encountered this frustration? Perhaps when you call a help desk and ask a simple question and receive a data dump of information that doesn’t succinctly answer your question and you’re still left to your own resources—and frustration—to figure out the answer.

Listening is such a critical, but overlooked, part of communication.  As we discuss in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, it’s a three-part process. First, you receive the message from the speaker. Next, you process the message. Take it in and understand what you’ve heard so you know what’s being said or asked. Finally, you answer. If you’ve understood what the speaker asked, you’ll respond in a way that confirms she was, in fact heard. When this occurs, progress and productivity will follow, rather than frustration and stress. If you didn’t understand what the speaker asked, then ask for clarification. 

Clarifying skills reduce ambiguity and establish certainty. You can use statements and questions such as:

• What I think you are saying is…..
• Could you give me an example of ….?
• I’m not sure I understand. Could you repeat that?
• Could you tell me more about….?

Chief Justice John Marshall once said, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.” When we listen, we show that we have the utmost respect for the other person. We are able to get good information and give good information.  We also save time, increase productivity, and avoid conflict.

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month. April 2020 has been particularly stressful for everyone. We are all dealing with the effects of Covid-19. Take the time to stop and listen. Get the right information and give good responses.  Stay well and safe.

No April Fools Here

“Did you ask them, Jason, if they know why they have two ears and one mouth? It’s because they’re supposed to spend more time listening than talking,” said Ellen Cooper.

Jason Edison was delighting the networking group with a tale about intervening with a client who had two teams that couldn’t communicate with each other.  So they decided to form a committee of four people, two from each team, to try to solve the problem. Things went downhill from there. When Jason joined the committee’s first meeting, everyone was talking over each other and him. 

“First I had to whistle to get their attention. Then explain I’m a coach, not a referee,” he said. “Once I got control, I laid down some ground rules. No interruptions, especially when someone’s talking. Respect all viewpoints. Listen with an open mind.”

That’s the thing about conflict.  Often the people involved get embroiled in their emotions.  They don’t see issues clearly.  That’s where a third-party facilitator can move the conversation forward.  And Jason is a terrific facilitator, so I asked him what happened next. 

“I had each team appoint a spokesperson, then gave the first one a chance to state her team’s concern. Then I asked the other team’s spokesperson, ‘What did you hear her say?’ This allowed the receiver to summarize what was said from his viewpoint and gave the initial speaker the opportunity to confirm or clarify what she said.  Then, I reversed the process and the second spokesperson stated his team’s concern followed by summary and clarification. Before long we had a list of issues written down.”

“Now what?” said Ellen. “How are you going to resolve their concerns, Jason?”

“That’s the thing, I’m not. It’s their problem to solve. Someone said he liked the ground rules I set and asked if they’d work if both teams were brought together.”

“Sounds like they want to brainstorm, Jason,” I said.

“Exactly,” he said, explaining that the committee members will take the list of issues back to their respective teams. Once the teams review them, the committee will convene a meeting of both teams, communicating ground rules in advance and asking for agreement. 

• No interruptions.  
• Everyone should contribute an option to resolve the conflict, and all options are encouraged.
• Listen with an open mind. No criticizing.
• All options are written down. Nothing is discounted or ignored.
• Options will be evaluated at a separate meeting.

“The committee members asked me to facilitate the brainstorming session, which I agreed to do, provided everyone agreed to the ground rules. If all goes well, I’ll also facilitate the second meeting when they evaluate options. I’ll let you know what happens next month.” 

This discussion reminded the group of essential elements of managing conflict.  The parties involved 1) have to own it and have to solve the problem; 2) should create multiple options for resolution is important; and 3) separate the process of creating options and evaluating them. It was really timely, too, since April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month.

Maryanne Robertson 

P. S. Who is Maryanne Robertson and why is she writing this post? If you missed our January newsletter, you can find out more about Maryanne at

http://makingpeoplematter.blogspot.com/2020/01/meet-maryanne-robertson.html.

Getting Ready for 2020

There seems to be something about years that end in zeros that get more attention than those that don’t. Like the tweet reminding us that there are only a certain number of days left in the decade and to make them count.  We have no idea why this is, but since 2020 is fast approaching, it’s time to give thought about what to do differently in the year ahead. We don’t mean those pesky resolutions.  We mean big questions, such as:

• Who and what might inspire us in 2020?
• What do we want to learn in 2020?
• How can we contribute to make the world a better place in 2020?

For any of us, the first thing that needs to happen is to clear out some of the current noise to make room for more creativity. When we focus our attention on daily activities—routine tasks that we think are important but maybe aren’t that critical—we don’t allow time for creative thought or learning.

Jettison some of the activities that eat up so much time, so we can add new and exciting adventures.  Get rid of some things we don’t need to do.  For Barbara, maybe this is the year to take that French class she’s been talking about for years. For Cornelia, maybe traveling with her husband. For both of us, 2020 will be the year for us to publish a new and very different book. What about you?

In 2020, let new ideas inspire you. We plan to research and uncover some podcasts and blogs to not only follow but contribute to. Following a few people like Brene Brown and Seth Godin will provide inspiration and lots to think about. Like most writers, we are avid readers, so we’ll likely put together lists of books to read for pleasure, for research, and for life-long learning.  What about you?

Then there is the really big question—what am I going to do to make our world a better place? It’s so easy to put that aside. What can I do? I’m just one person? Italicized 

While that may be true, one person can make a difference in our world. Think about 16-year-old Greta Thunberg. She’s an environmental activist whose work on climate change has gained international recognition at the United Nations and so many other places.  She’s making a real impact on the world, and she’s a teenager! 

We live in a chaotic world, and since 2020 is a presidential election year in the U.S., it stands to reason it will be a time of great change and potential animosity.  Maybe each of us can contribute to making the world less chaotic in 2020 by being a better listener and treating everyone with kindness and respect. What about you?

Barbara and Cornelia

Avoiding Bad Conflict

We’re continuing the discussion we had with Elayne Fluker on her podcast, Support is Sexy, about conflict.   

Question:  We’ve been talking about a well-managed conflict. What about avoiding bad conflict?

Cornelia:  The most important thing to do to avoid conflict is to set expectations early – with employees, associates, and any other business partner.  Make sure the roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. With employees, make sure they know at the beginning of the employment relationship – this is what their job looks like and this is what you expect them to do to meet the responsibilities of their position. If you’re bringing in outside support, make sure everything they are expected to do is outlined and well defined.  

Question:  Should you have an agreement of some sort in writing.

Barbara: That goes to expectations. I like to have a conversation first and then put it in writing – you confirm what you talked about. For example, “As we agreed, this is what I’m going to do and this is what you’re going to do and this is our timeline.” You have clarity and can hold each other accountable. You’re not being legalistic, but if I’ve committed to something and I’m not going to get it done in time, I need to let the other person know – something’s happened – let’s renegotiate those deadlines.  If you have your expectations in writing you have something to refer to, especially if things are not going well.  You can point to it and say, “You agreed to do this and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.”

Cornelia:  I heard someone once say that she had gone through a contentious divorce and that you don’t think about setting a contract before you get married.  She was referring to working things out – who hadn’t kept up their part of the bargain.  She brought the concept into her business dealings, especially working with teams – insisting on setting ground rules and guidelines.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If you have guidelines or rules of engagement written down everyone can commit to them.

Question:  When it comes to addressing conflict, what do you see as some of the mistakes or common mistakes that people make?

Barbara: I think people often have trouble just articulating that this isn’t going well without getting emotional.  If you can keep emotions out of it and simply say, “This is what we agreed to and it’s not going the way we thought it was going to and we need to fix it,” you can address what’s wrong.  Another mistake is letting things go to long thinking it’ll get better – “I’ll give it another week.” Well, by a week later things could have exploded and it’s too late.  Catch things early, be aware of your emotions, and remind yourself this is business and we’ll deal with this in a business way and hopefully maintain a positive relationship.

Cornelia:  People sometimes become overly concerned about the relationship – wanting to avoid hurting someone’s feelings if they say something or do something. You can deliver a negative message in a positive way without it getting personal. Go back to the facts of what happened – keep it as a factual, business issue.

A Well Managed Conflict

We were interviewed for the podcast, Support is Sexy with Elayne Fluker.  We talked about entrepreneurship, and the conversation led to conflict management and resolution.  Here are some excerpts from that conversation. 

Question: You’ve written two books on conflict resolution. Can you share tips with managers and business owners on handling conflict within their businesses whether it’s with their employees or other business associates? 

Barbara: We discuss the positive nature of conflict in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook. Conflict, if managed appropriately, can be a very creative process. It can bring ideas into the organization and get people thinking in different ways. You don’t always want to avoid conflict, unless it becomes destructive to the organization.  Well-managed conflict can be very positive in moving relationships and the organization along.

Question: What’s a way a well-managed conflict can move a relationship along?

Barbara: The key is listening to each other. Listening gets totally overlooked. People are prone to want to keep talking and get their ideas out. A well-managed conflict occurs when people put varying ideas out and the others listens without judgment and without trying to respond as quickly as possible. If you really listen to each other it may occur to you, “You know I never thought of it that way.” That revelation can then spark a very good discussion that may end up taking you and the situation in a totally different direction.  That’s one of the keys to maintaining good relationships. If you stop and say I’m going to hear what he or she is say and then use it without getting defensive or argumentative or judgmental, you can have some pretty amazing results. 

Question: How can we create an environment where people know that a well-managed conflict is something that’s encouraged.

Cornelia: Let your employees and business partners know you brought them into the relationship because you valued and want to hear their ideas. And show you really mean it.  In meetings, for example, say, “This is the idea we have,” and open the floor to other people who might offer a differing point of view or idea.  Then listen to what everyone else is saying – and give everybody the opportunity to state their opinions. 

Once all the ideas have been heard, start determining which are doable.  If you don’t think an idea is doable not right now, then let the person know, “It’s a good ideas but it’s going to take some resources we don’t have, so let’s table that for the future.” If you’re not able to act at all, let them know why. Opening the discussion to everybody and being able to implement some ideas will create an environment where people understand it’s fine to state your ideas. If it’s not going to work either now or in the future, people know they’ve been listened too and not shut down. When we talk about positive conflict people think it’s a contradiction, but positive conflict is recognizing that we all come to a decision or idea from a different point of view based on our background and experience. Everyone is open to other creative ideas. You may end up with a much better solution. 

Check back next week to read more excerpts from this discussion. 

Are You Listening?

Has this ever happened to you? You think you’re having a conversation with a colleague and realize they aren’t paying a bit of attention to you—they have something they want to talk about and it really doesn’t matter what you say because they’re not listening to you?

This happened to me recently and it reminded me what a critical skill listening is and how few of us really are good at it.  Think about all the time you spent in school learning how to read and write—but, did you ever have a class in how to listen?  Probably not, and I think that’s a mistake!

We think it is such an important skill that we devoted an entire chapter in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, to listening. Here’s an excerpt from that chapter, “Listen Up!”

“Listening is not waiting for your turn to talk, but it appears that is how most of us listen—while the other person is talking, all we’re doing is thinking about what we are going to say next—and, because we aren’t hearing what is being said, the odds are that our response doesn’t move the communication process forward.

Listening well is essential for workplace success. The US Department of Labor estimates that of the total time we spend in communication, 22 percent is devoted to reading and writing, 23 percent is devoted to speaking and—55 percent is to listening.”

You can become a better listener if you try using an effective technique—active listening. Try the following to improve your skills:

• Listen to learn—be interested in what the other person is saying and show it.
• Seek understanding—listen to the words and ask questions to clarify what you hear.
• Pay attention to non-verbal cues—watch body language and tone of voice.

We offer a lot more about listening in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook which is available on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/y8qy4msz, at Barnes & Noble, or at your local bookstore. Celebrate Workplace Conflict Awareness Month this April by improving your listening