The Real or Perceived Problem?

Shortly after The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook was published, Barbara and I were part of a panel discussion.  One of the panelists asked the audience if they thought it was the real problem or the perceived problem that was important. Her opinion: it was the perceived problem that mattered most. It was all we could do to not interrupt and were relieved when an audience member challenged her.

I thought of this recently when I was helping a company with an employee complaint. One of the senior leaders had insightful thoughts about the situation. He explained that the organization was undergoing many changes—changes to process and systems. This was leaving the door open for what he termed a plethora of perception. As hard as they tried to present information about the changes to the workforce—to present the reality—the leadership team was constantly checking in on what everyone’s perception of the situation was. But in the end, he said, you can’t undo perception. 

That’s so true, and perception often intersects with conflict. It doesn’t mean, however, that perception overrules real facts. We use an example in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook about a restaurant owner responding to a customer’s complaint and drawing a conclusion about which staff member was at fault. He didn’t bother to get all the facts, and his conclusion was wrong. During this period of dealing with COVID-19, we are all likely hearing comments and opinions about other people’s actions. Here’s an example I read in the paper, a comment made about an observation in the grocery store. Is the woman buying face cream buying something that is really essential? My response: Maybe it is. You don’t have all the information. So don’t be quick to judge or form conclusions, especially in the workplace, and especially if you’re judging or drawing conclusions about co-workers. Remember, too, if you take action based on a conclusion that is not accurate, you are accountable for those actions you take.

Getting all the facts helps us to understand the problem we’re trying to solve or the conflict we are trying to resolve. Perceived facts are often rooted in assumptions and perceptions. Absent having all (or any of) the facts, assumptions are made and erroneous conclusions result. That’s why it’s critical to question, probe, and clarify—to get to the real problem.

Cornelia Gamlem

Answer the Question You Were Asked

“When will you need the funds by?” asked the teller. “It’s okay. I’ll pay the bill from another account,” the customer responded. Interesting comment and information, but it didn’t answer the simple question the teller asked.

Have you ever encountered this frustration? Perhaps when you call a help desk and ask a simple question and receive a data dump of information that doesn’t succinctly answer your question and you’re still left to your own resources—and frustration—to figure out the answer.

Listening is such a critical, but overlooked, part of communication.  As we discuss in The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook, it’s a three-part process. First, you receive the message from the speaker. Next, you process the message. Take it in and understand what you’ve heard so you know what’s being said or asked. Finally, you answer. If you’ve understood what the speaker asked, you’ll respond in a way that confirms she was, in fact heard. When this occurs, progress and productivity will follow, rather than frustration and stress. If you didn’t understand what the speaker asked, then ask for clarification. 

Clarifying skills reduce ambiguity and establish certainty. You can use statements and questions such as:

• What I think you are saying is…..
• Could you give me an example of ….?
• I’m not sure I understand. Could you repeat that?
• Could you tell me more about….?

Chief Justice John Marshall once said, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.” When we listen, we show that we have the utmost respect for the other person. We are able to get good information and give good information.  We also save time, increase productivity, and avoid conflict.

April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month. April 2020 has been particularly stressful for everyone. We are all dealing with the effects of Covid-19. Take the time to stop and listen. Get the right information and give good responses.  Stay well and safe.

No April Fools Here

“Did you ask them, Jason, if they know why they have two ears and one mouth? It’s because they’re supposed to spend more time listening than talking,” said Ellen Cooper.

Jason Edison was delighting the networking group with a tale about intervening with a client who had two teams that couldn’t communicate with each other.  So they decided to form a committee of four people, two from each team, to try to solve the problem. Things went downhill from there. When Jason joined the committee’s first meeting, everyone was talking over each other and him. 

“First I had to whistle to get their attention. Then explain I’m a coach, not a referee,” he said. “Once I got control, I laid down some ground rules. No interruptions, especially when someone’s talking. Respect all viewpoints. Listen with an open mind.”

That’s the thing about conflict.  Often the people involved get embroiled in their emotions.  They don’t see issues clearly.  That’s where a third-party facilitator can move the conversation forward.  And Jason is a terrific facilitator, so I asked him what happened next. 

“I had each team appoint a spokesperson, then gave the first one a chance to state her team’s concern. Then I asked the other team’s spokesperson, ‘What did you hear her say?’ This allowed the receiver to summarize what was said from his viewpoint and gave the initial speaker the opportunity to confirm or clarify what she said.  Then, I reversed the process and the second spokesperson stated his team’s concern followed by summary and clarification. Before long we had a list of issues written down.”

“Now what?” said Ellen. “How are you going to resolve their concerns, Jason?”

“That’s the thing, I’m not. It’s their problem to solve. Someone said he liked the ground rules I set and asked if they’d work if both teams were brought together.”

“Sounds like they want to brainstorm, Jason,” I said.

“Exactly,” he said, explaining that the committee members will take the list of issues back to their respective teams. Once the teams review them, the committee will convene a meeting of both teams, communicating ground rules in advance and asking for agreement. 

• No interruptions.  
• Everyone should contribute an option to resolve the conflict, and all options are encouraged.
• Listen with an open mind. No criticizing.
• All options are written down. Nothing is discounted or ignored.
• Options will be evaluated at a separate meeting.

“The committee members asked me to facilitate the brainstorming session, which I agreed to do, provided everyone agreed to the ground rules. If all goes well, I’ll also facilitate the second meeting when they evaluate options. I’ll let you know what happens next month.” 

This discussion reminded the group of essential elements of managing conflict.  The parties involved 1) have to own it and have to solve the problem; 2) should create multiple options for resolution is important; and 3) separate the process of creating options and evaluating them. It was really timely, too, since April is Workplace Conflict Awareness Month.

Maryanne Robertson 

P. S. Who is Maryanne Robertson and why is she writing this post? If you missed our January newsletter, you can find out more about Maryanne at

http://makingpeoplematter.blogspot.com/2020/01/meet-maryanne-robertson.html.

Getting Ahead of the Conflict

His organization was under new leadership, and the new Executive Director was making changes. One would negatively impact him. He knew the decision wasn’t personal, but he wasn’t happy about it. He made an appointment to meet with the Executive Director but wanted to share his thoughts with me beforehand. 

When we sat down, he started venting, “I need to get it out,” which I totally understood. He quickly turned to his rational voice. “I want to present what I perceive as the problem, but I also want to present possible solutions.” Perfect, he was on the right path. 

A third of the way into the discussion, we began writing down talking points so he could better frame his case. As we talked, he came up with another potential solution. I suggested he go home and put these talking points into his own words. Then I cautioned him, “Remember, you don’t have all the facts. Some of these solutions may not be able to work.” He understood. His parting words were, “If I’m heard, I’ll consider it a positive outcome.”

His meeting the next day with the new Executive Director lasted 90 minutes, and “it went very, very, very well.” The director made his decision based on available information. Now, as a result of their discussion, he had more information and was thankful to receive it. While he made no promise for an immediate change, he did indicate that the initial decision was no longer final and committed to considering the suggested solutions.

They went on to talk about some long term, strategic ideas and plans. Would my colleague be interested in playing a role in any of them? “Definitely.” The director concluded by thanking him for bringing the issue forward and for his candor. “So many times employees are upset with me, but they don’t tell me why.” That’s a classic example of not being able to fix a problem because you don’t know it exists.

However, my colleague’s action allowed him and his boss to get ahead of the issue, explore future opportunities, and optimize the conflict rather than allow it to grow bigger. The situation also highlights many of the themes and topics from The Essential Workplace Conflict Handbook.

• Change at work, especially change in leadership, can bring conflict or new opportunities to the organization. Look for the latter.
• While emotions and feelings are natural, it’s important to recognize, acknowledge and manage them.
• Understanding the problem requires giving and getting accurate information.
• The parties involved in the situation/conflict must own and solve it.

In these incredibly trying times, we are all struggling with a jumble of emotions and change.  Step outside for a moment. Take a breath of fresh air and listen to the birds. We can’t control everything that’s going on right now, but we can control our emotions and reactions. It’s a good way to practice getting ahead of future conflicts you may face.  

Cornelia Gamlem